Life and No Life
Thank you to Glimmer_Moon for sending the shout out.
It has been nearly a month since I last posted and I am realizing that I feel a strange sense of guilt about this whole online journal thing. I mean, I love to write anyway. I've kept a journal since I was about 11 or something, but always on paper. As I've gotten older and with the advent of the internet, I've taken to writing online, but have joined a community in that process. There are such great people in this community, but I find that I rarely have time to keep up with their lives. This is not out of disinterest in anyway - it's due to a simple lack of time in my life for such simple pleasures.
I obtained my internship at Seattle Mental Health, a great agency, and I am working 40+ hours a week at my job. In addition to that, I have meetings at school, at work and at my internship. My apartment is rarely organized (well, for now it's not so bad), my cats rarely see me, I hardly go grocery shopping or have time to do my laundry. I get online to catch up a little on local and world news, read some emails, but don't write back. I've got about 100 emails in my inbox, and that doesn't include over 40 comments yet to reply to here on livejournal, or the 100 or so through my Flickr email. I rarely take photos these days or update my journal or Flickr site.
I went to Sequim last month to see Sybil's parents. I was there overnight and her relatives were visiting. Her grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, and her brother. The house was full and decorated for the holidays. Much wine was poured, great Puerto Rican food prepared by us all (by the direction of Sybil's mother who grew up on this great stuff) and games were played. We joked and caught up on our lives and told stories. It was undeniable that Sybil's absence was felt and was difficult to accept. When I left the next morning, Sybil's mom cried. I couldn't cry in front of her, but I did just as pulled out of the driveway. It's too much to feel sometimes, so I try not to think about it.
I had a doctor appointment, (FINALLY A REAL DR!) last Friday and she treated me like I was a person, a real person. I didn't tell her that I suspected I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but she asked me why I was coming in to see her. I listed some of my symptoms and the first thing she asked me was if RA runs in my family. She did a bunch of tests on me and even a chest x-ray for some reason and also scheduled me to come in for a full physical in early February, something I have never had. Having health insurance is pretty cool!
Anyway, the arthritis continues, along with some other strange things (I had busitis in my elbow while in Sequim along with fatigue and not feeling so well) so I am eager to learn more about what's going on. In the meantime, I am freaking out about the year ahead with my insane work and school schedule. I worry that I will make myself sicker by working so hard. But I have to work 40 hours a week in order to have health insurance (ironic, huh? I have to make myself sick in order to have health insurance for when I get real sick?) and I must do my internship. I am actually going to be looking into more creative ways this coming week or so to make this work in fewer hours. For instance, it may be possible that I can get some internship credits via my job and cut back on hours at my intership site. Hopefully this will work out.
Another thing that is freaking me out is my relationship with Hans. He visited last weekend which was nice as always as we always have a great time together, but we hadn't seen each other since late September. I added up all the days we spent together throughout 2005 a few weeks ago . . . I came up with about 20 days. For obvious reasons, it was a difficult year for us just because we rarely could spend time together, but needed to. This upcoming year is even more impossible for that as I will be dealing with my crazy schedule and he is finishing up this film and probably starting another soon after. We spoke this morning about what this all means for us and it was just too hard to think about, to feel. We've been together over four years now, and we have a connection that is just so strong. It's hard to imagine letting us go, but I think it's inevitable. Our relationship was not conventional by any means (huge age gap, polyamorous, long-distance) but our love for each other is undeniable. I think we are both realizing the time has come to be honest about what it takes to sustain such a relationship. I think I have come to be more honest with myself and being okay with acknowledging/stating my needs.
Sometimes I need the world just hang on for just one damn moment and let me catch up on all the processing I need to do. And to allow me time to pay my bills, feed my cats, see my friends, bathe regularly, screw around online, take photos, walk in the rain, drink lots of coffee . . .
It has been nearly a month since I last posted and I am realizing that I feel a strange sense of guilt about this whole online journal thing. I mean, I love to write anyway. I've kept a journal since I was about 11 or something, but always on paper. As I've gotten older and with the advent of the internet, I've taken to writing online, but have joined a community in that process. There are such great people in this community, but I find that I rarely have time to keep up with their lives. This is not out of disinterest in anyway - it's due to a simple lack of time in my life for such simple pleasures.
I obtained my internship at Seattle Mental Health, a great agency, and I am working 40+ hours a week at my job. In addition to that, I have meetings at school, at work and at my internship. My apartment is rarely organized (well, for now it's not so bad), my cats rarely see me, I hardly go grocery shopping or have time to do my laundry. I get online to catch up a little on local and world news, read some emails, but don't write back. I've got about 100 emails in my inbox, and that doesn't include over 40 comments yet to reply to here on livejournal, or the 100 or so through my Flickr email. I rarely take photos these days or update my journal or Flickr site.
I went to Sequim last month to see Sybil's parents. I was there overnight and her relatives were visiting. Her grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, and her brother. The house was full and decorated for the holidays. Much wine was poured, great Puerto Rican food prepared by us all (by the direction of Sybil's mother who grew up on this great stuff) and games were played. We joked and caught up on our lives and told stories. It was undeniable that Sybil's absence was felt and was difficult to accept. When I left the next morning, Sybil's mom cried. I couldn't cry in front of her, but I did just as pulled out of the driveway. It's too much to feel sometimes, so I try not to think about it.
I had a doctor appointment, (FINALLY A REAL DR!) last Friday and she treated me like I was a person, a real person. I didn't tell her that I suspected I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but she asked me why I was coming in to see her. I listed some of my symptoms and the first thing she asked me was if RA runs in my family. She did a bunch of tests on me and even a chest x-ray for some reason and also scheduled me to come in for a full physical in early February, something I have never had. Having health insurance is pretty cool!
Anyway, the arthritis continues, along with some other strange things (I had busitis in my elbow while in Sequim along with fatigue and not feeling so well) so I am eager to learn more about what's going on. In the meantime, I am freaking out about the year ahead with my insane work and school schedule. I worry that I will make myself sicker by working so hard. But I have to work 40 hours a week in order to have health insurance (ironic, huh? I have to make myself sick in order to have health insurance for when I get real sick?) and I must do my internship. I am actually going to be looking into more creative ways this coming week or so to make this work in fewer hours. For instance, it may be possible that I can get some internship credits via my job and cut back on hours at my intership site. Hopefully this will work out.
Another thing that is freaking me out is my relationship with Hans. He visited last weekend which was nice as always as we always have a great time together, but we hadn't seen each other since late September. I added up all the days we spent together throughout 2005 a few weeks ago . . . I came up with about 20 days. For obvious reasons, it was a difficult year for us just because we rarely could spend time together, but needed to. This upcoming year is even more impossible for that as I will be dealing with my crazy schedule and he is finishing up this film and probably starting another soon after. We spoke this morning about what this all means for us and it was just too hard to think about, to feel. We've been together over four years now, and we have a connection that is just so strong. It's hard to imagine letting us go, but I think it's inevitable. Our relationship was not conventional by any means (huge age gap, polyamorous, long-distance) but our love for each other is undeniable. I think we are both realizing the time has come to be honest about what it takes to sustain such a relationship. I think I have come to be more honest with myself and being okay with acknowledging/stating my needs.
Sometimes I need the world just hang on for just one damn moment and let me catch up on all the processing I need to do. And to allow me time to pay my bills, feed my cats, see my friends, bathe regularly, screw around online, take photos, walk in the rain, drink lots of coffee . . .