Christmas Carol
Okay, so... saw Jim Carrey's A Christmas Carol in 3-D, because my mom really, really wanted to. She thought it would get her in the Christmas Spirit(tm).
WARNING: LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS. I don't feel guilty about this because 1) it's behind a cut, and 2) It's Dickens. Do you really think you don't know what's going to happen in the movie?
Seeing how loyal it was to the book (seriously... word for word dialog. I wonder if the movie even had writers), I don't even know why they attempted to market this toward families. It was HORRIFYING. In the previews it was all, "Jim Carrey! Whee! Christmas! Fun!" We were in a crowded theater full of kids, most of whom were screaming, or crying, or having to be taken out of the theater because they were too scared.
Jacob Marley's ghost in particular was terrifying. He's decomposing. He's screaming and wailing. His eyes are are going in all directions. For the doorknocker bit, his ghostly face JUMPS out at you in 3-D. Even I was a little freaked out, and I know this story inside-out.
Ghost of Christmas Past was the creepiest little thing I've ever seen in a Christmas movie, and I've seen the sequels to Tim Allen's The Santa Claus. It was a tiny person, with a head about the size of a softball, which was on fire. And had Jim Carrey's face projected on it in 2-D. As in, a flat image of Jim Carrey's face, on a golden orb, smiling serenely and talking softly like an obscene phonecall. He was in his second or third line of dialog when I seriously turned to my mom and said, "I don't like this."
Ghost of Christmas Present, also played by Jim Carrey, was pretty standard as Ghost-of-Christmas-Presents go. Basically he looked like a red-headed Santa and laughed a lot. Normal stuff. But throughout his time with Scrooge, he's aging gradually. Getting gray hair, wrinkles, coughing when he laughs, etc. It's implied that because he's the Ghost of Christmas PRESENT, then his lifespan is basically 1 Christmas long. Then when he's done, it's no longer implied. He clutches his chest, alternately laughing and crying out in pain, and dies on the floor, with the two wretched children, Ignorance and Want, still at his feet. Ignorance instantly ages and becomes a violent criminal who gets thrown in jail. Want instantly ages and becomes a bawdy streetwalker, rubs herself up on Scrooge suggestively, then gets wrapped in a straightjacket and dragged away, screaming. I actually like this part, because it's only here that Scrooge starts to make the whole "people-being-victims-of-their-own-environments" realization, whereas at the beginning, he was all, "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-or-die-a-lazy-failure." Still, I'm not sure I would have liked it as much if I'd brought my own kids to see a nice Christmas movie for a light lesson on generosity.
Oh, and then the Ghost of Christmas Present's body? Decomposes. Then turns into a skeleton in a robe. Then blows away in ashes. Just in case anyone watching had any ideas that he was just sleeping peacefully. Nope, he's dead.
And THEN it's time for the Future Ghost...
Standard horrifying Grim Reaper stuff happens. Scrooge sees how nobody misses him. Sees his own gravestone, yadda yadda. This is the part that's supposed to be scary. Here's the bullshit: after being loyal to the book almost to a fault during the whole movie (I only say to a fault because little kids who weren't already literature buffs really couldn't understand and enjoy the dialog in this movie. The ones who weren't frightened were bored), out of nowhere the movie throws in a chase scene between Scrooge and a shadowy death-carriage, which he can apparently outrun despite being an elderly man in a nightgown and slippers, in the snow. As he runs, dead people rise out of the ground and try to grab him. Then, just for lulz, the death driver dude cracks his magical fairydust purple-glitter whip, which makes Scrooge shrink to about 3 inches tall. He goes through most of the rest of his vision as a 3-inch tall man trying to stay out from underfoot of death horsies and his own graverobbers. The chase scene continues. For way, way too long, it continues. It was like a videogame after a while. Run! Run! Dodge! Jump! Run! Finally even I was bored of listening to Scrooge scream, and turned to my parents and asked, "Okay, what the hell is going on?" My parents, equally confused, just shrugged and sighed.
Yet even through all that shit, the payoff of Good Scrooge at the end of the movie still somehow managed to be heart-warming. I think I would have liked the movie overall if they completely redid The Ghost of Christmas Past so it was no longer the Ghost of Jim Carrey Wants To Fuck Jim Carrey.
WARNING: LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS. I don't feel guilty about this because 1) it's behind a cut, and 2) It's Dickens. Do you really think you don't know what's going to happen in the movie?
Seeing how loyal it was to the book (seriously... word for word dialog. I wonder if the movie even had writers), I don't even know why they attempted to market this toward families. It was HORRIFYING. In the previews it was all, "Jim Carrey! Whee! Christmas! Fun!" We were in a crowded theater full of kids, most of whom were screaming, or crying, or having to be taken out of the theater because they were too scared.
Jacob Marley's ghost in particular was terrifying. He's decomposing. He's screaming and wailing. His eyes are are going in all directions. For the doorknocker bit, his ghostly face JUMPS out at you in 3-D. Even I was a little freaked out, and I know this story inside-out.
Ghost of Christmas Past was the creepiest little thing I've ever seen in a Christmas movie, and I've seen the sequels to Tim Allen's The Santa Claus. It was a tiny person, with a head about the size of a softball, which was on fire. And had Jim Carrey's face projected on it in 2-D. As in, a flat image of Jim Carrey's face, on a golden orb, smiling serenely and talking softly like an obscene phonecall. He was in his second or third line of dialog when I seriously turned to my mom and said, "I don't like this."
Ghost of Christmas Present, also played by Jim Carrey, was pretty standard as Ghost-of-Christmas-Presents go. Basically he looked like a red-headed Santa and laughed a lot. Normal stuff. But throughout his time with Scrooge, he's aging gradually. Getting gray hair, wrinkles, coughing when he laughs, etc. It's implied that because he's the Ghost of Christmas PRESENT, then his lifespan is basically 1 Christmas long. Then when he's done, it's no longer implied. He clutches his chest, alternately laughing and crying out in pain, and dies on the floor, with the two wretched children, Ignorance and Want, still at his feet. Ignorance instantly ages and becomes a violent criminal who gets thrown in jail. Want instantly ages and becomes a bawdy streetwalker, rubs herself up on Scrooge suggestively, then gets wrapped in a straightjacket and dragged away, screaming. I actually like this part, because it's only here that Scrooge starts to make the whole "people-being-victims-of-their-own-environments" realization, whereas at the beginning, he was all, "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-or-die-a-lazy-failure." Still, I'm not sure I would have liked it as much if I'd brought my own kids to see a nice Christmas movie for a light lesson on generosity.
Oh, and then the Ghost of Christmas Present's body? Decomposes. Then turns into a skeleton in a robe. Then blows away in ashes. Just in case anyone watching had any ideas that he was just sleeping peacefully. Nope, he's dead.
And THEN it's time for the Future Ghost...
Standard horrifying Grim Reaper stuff happens. Scrooge sees how nobody misses him. Sees his own gravestone, yadda yadda. This is the part that's supposed to be scary. Here's the bullshit: after being loyal to the book almost to a fault during the whole movie (I only say to a fault because little kids who weren't already literature buffs really couldn't understand and enjoy the dialog in this movie. The ones who weren't frightened were bored), out of nowhere the movie throws in a chase scene between Scrooge and a shadowy death-carriage, which he can apparently outrun despite being an elderly man in a nightgown and slippers, in the snow. As he runs, dead people rise out of the ground and try to grab him. Then, just for lulz, the death driver dude cracks his magical fairydust purple-glitter whip, which makes Scrooge shrink to about 3 inches tall. He goes through most of the rest of his vision as a 3-inch tall man trying to stay out from underfoot of death horsies and his own graverobbers. The chase scene continues. For way, way too long, it continues. It was like a videogame after a while. Run! Run! Dodge! Jump! Run! Finally even I was bored of listening to Scrooge scream, and turned to my parents and asked, "Okay, what the hell is going on?" My parents, equally confused, just shrugged and sighed.
Yet even through all that shit, the payoff of Good Scrooge at the end of the movie still somehow managed to be heart-warming. I think I would have liked the movie overall if they completely redid The Ghost of Christmas Past so it was no longer the Ghost of Jim Carrey Wants To Fuck Jim Carrey.