A little bit of dark humour
Someone has pointed out that I don't write in my journal that often anymore. It's strange how I can spend months writing every single day, and then spend a really long time without writing anything at all. This usually happens when I get stuck in a rut. The trigger is mostly when I am in a transitional phase in my life, like finishing a semester, coming back from a trip, ending a relationship, etc... I have divided them into 5 stages:
1) Powerlessness. That's when you feel like you have absolutely no control over your life, from the moment you get up in the morning til the moment you close your eyes at night (if you're one of the lucky ones that can actually sleep). At this stage, you have no completely giving up the fight yet, but you start thinking that maybe you're just boxing underwater and every effort is just sinking you further down. This stage is speckled with moments like "girls' night out," where your female friends try to convince you that all you need to do is fuck the guy in the shipping department at your workplace, and you'll feel fine before you know it. If you are a guy, your friends will suggest that you get wasted and pick up a girl from a bar that is willing to grind her ass into your crotch all evening, or at least the very end of the evening.
2) Shame. "What's wrong with me?" "Why don't I have the power to control what's going on?" "Why can't I have a better grasp over the situation?" "Why can't I pull myself together?" These are all questions the person in this stage will ask him or herself. You feel guilty that you are not being a productive, functioning member of society, or that you cannot conform to the norms of what a successful or happy person should be, think, or feel. This can be pretty embarassing, especially if people see you as being dominant, confident, and over-achieving. You can picture in your mind people going: "Yeah, she hasn't been doing too well lately; but she's pretty strong and will get over it." Cause really, you are pretty fucking sure that you won't, and that you will somehow end up living in a trailer in Northern Alberta next to a tattooed couple who loves Ted Nugent and refers to their kids as "those little fuckers."
3) Pity. Yes, we all know what this cycle is. The whole universe has conspired against you. In your mind, your friends are avoiding you or just don't care. They might even be trying to destroy you, but you just can't figure out their motives. All their advice is useless because you feel that no one can understand your thoughts and feelings. You blame your parents, your teachers, your friends, your boss, your coworkers, and all those fucking people you have to deal with on a daily basis. Yes, everyone on the planet is suddenly dropping everything they are doing to contribute to your misery - even the vending machine that charged you $1.25 for a can of Coke instead of $1. People are also contributing indirectly by rubbing their happy little lives in your face. In this stage, you are so full of shit that it is oozing from your nostrils; but what's worse is that you can't smell it.
4) Withdrawal. In this stage, you have become so used to pitying yourself that you do not even want to hear other people's advice and opinions. Who knows? They might be right; but you just don't care because they still don't understand how you feel. You'd better not call them this evening. Decline all offers to go out by saying that you have no money, time, or energy. Who wants to see people enjoy themselves and telling you to lighten up and drink when you are feeling like complete shit? And even if you do go home with someone, do you really want them to find out that you haven't bothered to shave your legs for the past 2 months, or risk not being able to get it up because of some cocktail of sadness & Corona you have recently ingested? Better screen all phone calls.
5) Depression. Great, you get to wake up to the same old shit every morning. Every time you think you've just about hit rock bottom, you stoop to a brand new low. You set your standards accordingly, and end up dating that creepy 43 year-old guy who works the night shift at a 7/11, and has a file on his desktop labeled "Naughty 16 yr old cheerleader slut gets fucked in the ass by entire basketball team." If you are a guy, you go for that weird girl in your philosophy class who gets daily phone calls from her ex boyfriend whom she claims has a huge penis and gives her G-spot orgasms, and who will eventually tell you that she is pregnant, and that "...of course it is yours, you fucking asshole. Who do you take me for?" This is the stage where you press the snooze button, pull the blankets back over your head, and go back to sleep, hoping you will be lucky enough to wake up in a century from now when the Earth has been destroyed by a U.S. nuclear missile attack because George Bush III accidentally hit the "launch" button on his remote control instead of "TV Guide", and the only survivors are the Spears-Federline offspring who live off huge wads of chewing gum, and leftover bottles of kabbala water...
Actually, you'd better not wake up at all.