(no subject)
So I don't even know where to begin. I used to write in this everyday...twice a day...if the least bit significant thing happened in my life. I guess I won't go into why I stopped because I don't even know...my life continued to have the ups and downs it always did but I couldn't bring myself to write about it. It's funny because I think some of my most "memorable moments" in life thus far happened while I wasn't writing. I think on some level, not writing about things gave me some freedom to just do things without thinking about them too much and then not thinking about them after. Who has time for writing when they are just doing.
So its May 11, 2007 and the last time I wrote something was probably this time last year. I don't really know why today is significant in any way but I guess this entire time period is pretty big.
~~It's the year 2007...the year I thought would never come...kind of like when you see those car commercials that say "don't pay anything till 2007!" back in 2004 and you are like damn thats so far away. and then its really not.
~~Its graduation year and to be honest, If i had to walk the stage tomorrow I probably would not go to it. I would not go to my own graduation. That would just be succumbing to the fact that time always wins. Well...i'm going to defy time until im ready to let it take me where I need to go. and thats in December.
~~I spent my evening doing a traditional thing that I've done every year since I've graduated high school. I went to Tati's high school band concert. Sat in the same audience and had about 1 hour to just think about where I have been and what I have done in the last year. It's funny how we subconciously define certain moments in our life as turning points...and to reflect on how much we've grown we go back to those exact moments in our life. The exact time, the exact place, but totally different feelings. There is something extremely powerful about thinking where you were exactlly one year, two years, three years ago. And on some level that place is back in that auditorium. So I didn't read the program to see what they would be playing tonight and my old band director gets up there and introduces a piece by saying "The symphonic band about 7 years ago played this piece and I thought we should play it again". They then played the brass movement from Dance Movements. The french horns were placed right behind where i was seating for effect, the trumpets in front of us on stage, and the trombones across the auditorium. As soon as they started, it was like the most surreal flashblack. Sitting next to my dad, my sisters friends, and 200+ other people...it serioulsy took everything in me not to cry. The thing is...it wasn't 7 years ago that that was played...it was 4 and that was my senior year. I was a flute so the french horns were always behind me, the trumpets and everyone in that section were the spotlight, and it was by far one of my favorite pieces we ever played. It was fitting...frighteningly fitting. Later I said hi to mr. veenstra and told him that is actually 4 years ago that we played that...he laughed and shrugged it off. Only someone like me could make that THAT signficant.
I used to do this thing where I would see everything as a sign, a reminder, a predestined event for me to experience...and then i would write about it. Songs, things I would see that day, conversations I had with people, dreams, moments that just literally made me stop and think. I used to think that it made me conteplative or deep in some way...but actually made me pretty crazy and paranoid. I was always rushed to "figure myself out" that I would force myself to see things for more than just face value. When I stopped writing like this a part of me stopped being that frantic. I had always just wanted some calmness in my life and I finally got it. But that didn't mean that my life stopped being chaotic.
The past 2 years ago I have become apathetic. At first I thought maybe this is what calm is like. Maybe this is what peace is. But with recent events and with any potentially life changing decision I have realized its not peace..its apathy. The ironic thing is that I care so much about the things in my life now that I think i have sacrificed my ability to make things significant and meaningful to ME. It's like I don't FEEL like i used to. Not like I feel happy or sad but how I literaly feel and react to the things that happen in my life. And a part of me doesn't want to feel like i used to...crying all the time, drowning in my thoughts, but I remember how I used to say that made me feel alive. So what am i now. dead?
The last time I cried it was because i was stressed out and I was stressed out because I knew that I had stopped making myself and my own well being a priority.
The thing is...overall, im incredibly happy. But its not a deep rooted happy. its the kind of happy that could probably be taken away in an instant. At least when i was sad, I owned that feeling so much that it was the only thing that couldn't be taken away from me until i let it. I had possession of how i felt.
Anyways, this is getting to be like my old journals and I am really not in any position to figure out my life now, nor do I want to. I just thought I should drop a line so that in a couple of years this could be a turning point I look back to.
The mood listed below is just ironic in itself.
So its May 11, 2007 and the last time I wrote something was probably this time last year. I don't really know why today is significant in any way but I guess this entire time period is pretty big.
~~It's the year 2007...the year I thought would never come...kind of like when you see those car commercials that say "don't pay anything till 2007!" back in 2004 and you are like damn thats so far away. and then its really not.
~~Its graduation year and to be honest, If i had to walk the stage tomorrow I probably would not go to it. I would not go to my own graduation. That would just be succumbing to the fact that time always wins. Well...i'm going to defy time until im ready to let it take me where I need to go. and thats in December.
~~I spent my evening doing a traditional thing that I've done every year since I've graduated high school. I went to Tati's high school band concert. Sat in the same audience and had about 1 hour to just think about where I have been and what I have done in the last year. It's funny how we subconciously define certain moments in our life as turning points...and to reflect on how much we've grown we go back to those exact moments in our life. The exact time, the exact place, but totally different feelings. There is something extremely powerful about thinking where you were exactlly one year, two years, three years ago. And on some level that place is back in that auditorium. So I didn't read the program to see what they would be playing tonight and my old band director gets up there and introduces a piece by saying "The symphonic band about 7 years ago played this piece and I thought we should play it again". They then played the brass movement from Dance Movements. The french horns were placed right behind where i was seating for effect, the trumpets in front of us on stage, and the trombones across the auditorium. As soon as they started, it was like the most surreal flashblack. Sitting next to my dad, my sisters friends, and 200+ other people...it serioulsy took everything in me not to cry. The thing is...it wasn't 7 years ago that that was played...it was 4 and that was my senior year. I was a flute so the french horns were always behind me, the trumpets and everyone in that section were the spotlight, and it was by far one of my favorite pieces we ever played. It was fitting...frighteningly fitting. Later I said hi to mr. veenstra and told him that is actually 4 years ago that we played that...he laughed and shrugged it off. Only someone like me could make that THAT signficant.
I used to do this thing where I would see everything as a sign, a reminder, a predestined event for me to experience...and then i would write about it. Songs, things I would see that day, conversations I had with people, dreams, moments that just literally made me stop and think. I used to think that it made me conteplative or deep in some way...but actually made me pretty crazy and paranoid. I was always rushed to "figure myself out" that I would force myself to see things for more than just face value. When I stopped writing like this a part of me stopped being that frantic. I had always just wanted some calmness in my life and I finally got it. But that didn't mean that my life stopped being chaotic.
The past 2 years ago I have become apathetic. At first I thought maybe this is what calm is like. Maybe this is what peace is. But with recent events and with any potentially life changing decision I have realized its not peace..its apathy. The ironic thing is that I care so much about the things in my life now that I think i have sacrificed my ability to make things significant and meaningful to ME. It's like I don't FEEL like i used to. Not like I feel happy or sad but how I literaly feel and react to the things that happen in my life. And a part of me doesn't want to feel like i used to...crying all the time, drowning in my thoughts, but I remember how I used to say that made me feel alive. So what am i now. dead?
The last time I cried it was because i was stressed out and I was stressed out because I knew that I had stopped making myself and my own well being a priority.
The thing is...overall, im incredibly happy. But its not a deep rooted happy. its the kind of happy that could probably be taken away in an instant. At least when i was sad, I owned that feeling so much that it was the only thing that couldn't be taken away from me until i let it. I had possession of how i felt.
Anyways, this is getting to be like my old journals and I am really not in any position to figure out my life now, nor do I want to. I just thought I should drop a line so that in a couple of years this could be a turning point I look back to.
The mood listed below is just ironic in itself.