When I Breathe
A plane journey gives Bella time to reflect on her friendship with Edward and the distance between them, physical & emotional. What conclusion will she come to by the time she lands and will it be in his arms?
Fic submitted into the Fandom4Tsunami compilation.
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"Can I see your passport, miss?" the check-in attendant tore me out of my reverie and I handed over the little book along with my printed boarding pass.
As I lifted my suitcase onto the belt to get weighed and checked in, I tried to remember if I needed to move anything from my laptop bag so it wouldn't get confiscated by security, as the attendant rattled off the barrage of questions they all had to ask. Yes, I did pack my bags myself, it's not as if I had anyone to do it for me, I thought slightly bitterly, not saying a word out loud. The attendant had no idea about my life and didn't want to hear my sorry story anyway. I'd wait for the next bartender to spill my guts out over some random fruity drink.
"Your flight starts boarding shortly, I suggest you head straight over to security," she smiled at me softly, noticing that my eyes started watering a little, "head over to the train through Checkpoint One and your gate is S10 at the South Satellite."
"Thank you," I replied quietly, annoyed with myself for letting the memories get to me yet again.
Before heading to security, I headed for Starbucks and gulped it down on my way through the crowd. The well-prepared part of me checked out coffee shops at the airport and I knew that once I was past security, I'd not see a Starbucks until we landed.
London - that was when I would see my beloved coffee the next time. I still wondered how I ended up here, about to sit on a plane for nine-ish hours, heading to Europe. Of course, Ali would give me a long-winded speech on how it was about time that I headed over and how there was going to be so much for me to do. I can't say that I cared about sightseeing so much, that wasn't the reason I subjected myself to the travelling torture. Alice wasn't here anyway; she was living her fairy tale in New York, the life she'd dreamed to life, almost literally. My thoughts weren't filled with jealousy, I just wished I had my best friend here to see me off. Or that I'd taken a flight with a stopover in NYC, so I could have her reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.
It wasn't a spontaneous decision to fly to London, that wasn't my style. I was always a planner, having Filofaxes as proof that I needed to know where I was going to be, at least approximately, at any time in the next few weeks. And of course, the flight prices would've been astronomical if I'd been going last minute. No, I gave myself enough time to over-think this trip completely, almost talk myself out of it, to be in a state of crippling panic for the past two weeks.
As I arrived at the gate after the security check workout, I opened my netbook to check my emails and unsurprisingly found a "you go girl!" message from Alice and Jasper, both of them equally excited and worried. On top of the overenthusiastic "I can't believe you're going to be in London, I bet you'll meet the Queen", Alice managed to drop in some "If you're not OK, don't hesitate to call me and I'll be over like a shot" and Jasper added some "you know we've enough frequent flier miles to hop across the pond anytime". I appreciated the support and if it had been only a pleasure trip, I'd have taken them up on the offer. However, this wasn't entirely directionless. While it wasn't exactly business that was the goal of my trip, a simple holiday wouldn't have left me as nervous as I was now.
My eyes flicked over the emails in my inbox and there, nestled sneakily in between work emails which I was planning to ignore for the next few weeks, was the reason for my nerves. Well, not the email that was there, since I hadn't dared open it yet, but the person who sent it.
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Soft breeze made the grass in the meadow sway gently and the boy sat on the edge, watching a girl twirl in the sunshine. His lips curled in a gentle smile and then he laughed as her twirling caused her to lose balance and fall over, making her laugh too.
"Hey, Bella!" he called out to her as she hadn't noticed him yet.
"Edward!" she scrambled off the ground and ran straight at him.
"Humph!" his arms wrapped around her nearly falling back from the impact as she threw herself into him.
"You're back!"
"Yeah," he smiled, "Your Mom said you were here..."
"How was the holiday?"
"Fantastic!" he pulled her down to sit on the grass, "Dad took me to this festival and there were tons of bands and he got me a new guitar!"
"Cool," she laid back and her eyes focused on the few white clouds above them, "I missed you."
"I missed you too," his voice was barely a whisper and his fingers brushed against hers.
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At the time, I already knew how much I cared about him, because when he left that summer, the first year we didn't spend the two vacation months together, I missed him every single day and didn't feel entirely like myself until that afternoon in the meadow when he came back. However, I was convinced that he didn't feel more for me than friendship, so I kept my mouth shut and listened to him talk about the music, the fun, the guitar lessons he had planned.
With that memory, I moved the cursor over the email from him and before I gave myself a chance to chicken out again, I clicked to open it.
> Hi Bellaboo!
> I should probably duck after calling you that, because you can probably hit me from all
> those miles away, can't you?
> We've been in London for a month and I can't believe I'm only now finding the time
> to email you, but it's been crazy. Good crazy, don't get me wrong, but still, in the words of
> people around here: mental.
> I wish you were here, Bella, there's so much I've already seen and so much I want to see
> with you, because it's all we talked about when we were kids. Remember the trips to
> England we had all planned out? I'm so sorry that they didn't happen and I'm taking the blame
> for that entirely.
> Already, I forgot what I wanted to write, I just keep wondering how things would be if
> you were here. I really wish you were, Bella, it's not the dream without you.
> Promise you'll call me soon? We can work out the time difference and I'll learn to Skype
> if that's what it takes, but call me, please? I wanna share this with you at least that
> way.
> I miss you, B.
>
> Yours,
> Edward.
> PS: I got you something in Covent Garden. This is my promise that I'll deliver it in
> person this time. You can hold me to it.
His email was scattered as I was used to him being, thoughts all over the place and no substance, as our teachers and parents used to say. I liked it that way, he was unpredictable and fun, he kept me on my toes and it was part of his charm. It was also what had lines of girls queuing up to meet him from the beginning.
But they hadn't been there at the very beginning, at our beginning.
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She always ran away from home to this place when the mood was thunderous. Her Mom and Dad weren't at the best of terms from as far back as she could remember, but it got worse after she started school. She knew her Mom wanted to move out of Forks and the only reason she'd stayed after the divorce was so Bella could spend more time with her Dad than just the summers. But on one of her very frequent trips to Seattle, her Mom met someone and he lived in Florida. In Renee's eyes, meeting someone who lived on the other side of the country was a sign that she was meant to leave our current life behind and follow him.
Phil was a good guy, he didn't even complain when Renee told him she had a 6-year-old who would come with her. That wasn't the problem in all this. Charlie would've even let them both go, despite his fading but still flickering hope that Renee would come back to him. Bella told him though that she didn't want to leave. From that moment on, they fought constantly, because neither of them was willing to let their daughter go. Bella tried to explain to her Mom that she wanted to stay, but Renee wouldn't listen. She was "just a child" and Renee was the one who was responsible for her, so she had no say.
Every time it got really bad in Charlie's house, Bella snuck out, this one time telling Phil, who had been dragged into it not so willingly, where she was heading so they wouldn't worry once they stopped yelling and she headed for the meadow. It was only a short walk from the back of the house and she'd been there enough times that she could find it with her eyes closed. The silence comparing to the shouting she'd escaped from was heavenly.
"Hi," a voice made her jump up off the ground and she whirled around to find its source.
He was standing in the far corner, his eyes on the ground, bottom lip between his teeth and he kicked the grass with his trainers.
"Hi," she answered quietly, still in shock that someone was in her meadow.
"I'm Edward," he took a few steps forward.
"Bella," she reached to shake the hand he stretched out, "why are you here?"
"I came here last Sunday when my big brother teased me too much," Edward shuffled his feet, "we just moved into the big house over there," he motioned to the new house that was the talk of the town until now.
"So your Dad is the new doctor?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he smiled and sat down in the grass, "Mom wanted to move somewhere quieter from London. I didn't think she would mean this far."
His eyes were sad and she wondered if this was how she would feel in Florida if her Mom won the argument.
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I closed the email and the netbook, glad that a sadder one didn’t follow the memory I just relived. Mom and Dad had in the end decided that it was for the best if I stayed in Forks, according to them to not uproot me, but looking back at it, it was more so I wouldn't cramp Renee's style.
Dad coped with being a single parent the best he could under the circumstances and we soon developed a system. It included me being in charge of cooking and general domestic stuff and him leaving me alone for the most part. Since he knew I wasn't one for getting into all kinds of trouble it continued working even when I hit my teenage years, better than it probably would've for most parents with teenagers.
On my part, I was happy that I didn't have to give up all my friends and most of all, Edward. He became my sanity, my conscience, my safe haven in the storm that always upped when Renee came to visit. It wasn't often that she managed to drag herself away from her perfect life and when she did, there was always something that led all of us to fight. Whether it was her complaining about Charlie's lack of rules around the house, which I always dismissed by reminding her that she wasn't really one to talk about set boundaries, or it was her lack of understanding that I really didn't take after her and preferred my solitude and books to loud obnoxious parties and the stereotypical teenage life. There were times when she called Edward a positive influence, since my lack of enthusiasm for partying didn't stop him from becoming the life and soul of the Forks' "social scene". Other times she got it into her head that our friendship would inevitably lead to me ruining my life by becoming pregnant too young and giving up on my goals.
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"No, Mom," Bella glared at her mother, "I am not going to listen to you tell me what I'm doing wrong, because I am not doing anything of what you're implying!"
"But baby girl, I just don't want you to throw your life away," the elder woman said in what should have been a soothing voice, but it had the exactly opposite effect.
"Like you did by having me, you mean?"
There was a sound of the front door slamming and Renee stared out the window at her daughter's form running towards the forest behind the house.
Bella reached the meadow in record time and her body slammed into her friend's. As if he knew what was going on in the Swan house, he stood there already, waiting to provide what little comfort he could. He wished he could do more for his best friend, but he knew telling her about his feelings now wouldn't help in the slightest. He'd just drive her away.
They stood in the meadow without a word for a while, her sobbing into his shoulder, him holding on to her for dear life. Something about the tension in the air, not only caused by her argument with her Mom, made them feel anxious. It was like they both knew something was going to change their lives and leave them lost and confused. So they held on to each other longing for the connection that they felt slipping away.
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The silence from my PC was deafening. I left it on, set up the alert for incoming emails to sound the same as on my phone and now I was sprawled on my bed, listening to the silence of the reply she didn't send. I couldn't bring myself to lift the guitar to play, just in case I'd get into a louder tune and miss the email. Then I read the message I sent her the night before, rewrote it in my head a million times, considered writing a follow up to let her know I wasn't really crazy, stared at the blank screen, then crashed onto the bed again.
Of course, she knew I was crazy; Bella was the one who knew that better than anyone did, even now when we had not seen each other for so long. Way too long, in my opinion, but there was no option to just get up and go see her right now and I knew she couldn't get away from work.
My phone buzzed and I nearly fell off the bed trying to get to it. Mid-tumble, I realized that it wasn't my email alert, but a phone call.
"Hungh," came out of my mouth as I finally hit the answer button.
"Hungh to you too, dearest!"
"Not funny, Emmett," I rolled my eyes even though I knew he couldn't see me.
"Were you training cross-country over there? You sound like you fell over, repeatedly, while running," his laugh made me pull the phone from my ear.
"Ha, ha," I grunted, not finding him or his disruption of my waiting game amusing, "is there a reason for this call?"
"Yeah, actually, cranky, the studio just called me," I immediately jumped and started paying attention, "they have an opening for some sessions."
"And they're willing to let us record?"
"Rose might've pulled some stings," he chuckled, referring to his girlfriend and the studio boss' daughter.
"Weren't they booked out though? And aren't we supposed to hit the bar circuit tomorrow?"
"Yes and no."
"Emmett, enough of the puzzles, what did they say?"
"We're booked in for two weeks from now and we're not doing the bars because it's too short a time for that tour."
Without thinking, I threw myself towards the PC and watched the screen light up.
"What are you doing over there, E?" Emmett's voice reminded me that I was still on the phone.
"I'm going to see Bella."
With that, I turned the phone off, knowing that Em would understand and that my answer was explanation enough. I checked the emails again, but found no reply from Bella, so I pulled up a site to book tickets and got to work searching.
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"Something is wrong, Edward," Bella frowned as he tried to change the topic, "I can see it in your face."
She was worried, Edward was more quiet than usual for the past few days and she had no idea what was running through his mind. All she knew was that she felt like whatever it was that was troubling him was not going to make her particularly happy. Her game face was on standby in case she needed to hide heartbreak. There was no way she was showing him anything but a smile.
"It's nothing," he tried to deflect, but knew that he'd have to come clean very soon.
It was hard enough to have her study in Seattle while he was still at home, trying to get his music career going. If she knew what was going to happen after the summer, she would... Well, no, he didn't know what she would do. He would be heartbroken, though, not that he was going to tell her that anytime soon.
"How long have we known each other, E?" Bella glared at him.
"Too long," he tried to joke but his attempt at laughter failed when he saw her face.
"Tell me, E," she pulled him down to the ground to stop him from pacing.
She got almost dizzy watching him walk up and down their meadow, his fingers rubbing his forehead. There was something he wanted to tell her, she knew there was, as if she knew it wasn't going to be something she'd like hearing.
"Remember the record label guy who came to see us at the gig in Port Angeles last month?"
She nodded, getting a clearer picture of where the conversation was heading.
"You guys were hoping for a shot at a proper demo," her smile was genuine; she knew the band deserved to be heard properly.
"Yeah, well, that turned out to be too much to be asking for," Edward sighed, "But..."
"Ok, E, just spit it out, what is it?"
"He wants us to go play a few gigs on the east coast... And the other guys outvoted me... We... B, we have to try..."
She looked at him trying to keep her poker face straight, but felt herself failing, so she pulled herself up and started walking towards the trees. Before she got too far, though, she felt his arms around her. Instead of fighting him, she allowed hips arms to pull her closer and turned to bury her face in his shoulder.
They held each other as close as they could knowing that their lives had just changed completely.
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The next thing I knew we were in the air and on our way to London. A flight attendant handed me a menu for both the food and movies they were showing, but I didn't feel like watching anything. The music selection was a little dangerous for my mood too, so I closed my eyes and figured I might as well get some sleep. The netbook poked out of my bag as I stashed it under the seat, mocking me with the email I knew I should answer.
When Edward had left for New York and the gigs, we started with keeping touch via phone calls, then text messages and eventually ended with sporadic emails. Our visits back home didn't seem to ever happen at the same time until one Christmas when we miraculously both got time off. When we did meet that one time, it was awkward and tense, neither of us knowing what to say.
Was I still the same person as before we both left? Was Edward even close to who he used to be? Ever since that meeting and the unease that was written all over both of us that Christmas, I wondered how much we'd both changed.
I pulled out my netbook and pointedly ignored the emails, going for the maps and travel schedule I put together for the trip. Ali had given me his address in London and because I knew I'd probably need a few tries to just show up there, I didn't want to alert him to my being in the city. I'd do this on my terms.
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"So there is nothing anytime sooner?" I asked, trying to hide the disappointment, "I mean, I could be at the airport in an hour if you had anything at all free."
The airline's booking service was not getting me anywhere; the nearest flight to the States was hours away. I considered an earlier flight to NYC and then finding something there, but then I'd want to meet Ali and Jasper and I'd never make it to Bella. Or I'd be delayed at least.
"OK, thank you," I sighed as I was told the same as the website told me, "I'll just book this one online now."
I typed in my info for the only available flight and waited as it processed. The price was ridiculous and I couldn't help but wonder why people had decided to fly to the US exactly today, making all flights out of London booked completely full. Now I had a few hours to stew, not that I was going to change my mind about flying out. Throwing a few essentials into a duffel bag, I called Emmett to tell him all the details.
"Oh hi, Mr. Spontaneous!"
"Shut up, Em," I rolled my eyes, knowing that his dig was justified. I'd never done anything like this without considering and reconsidering the cost, the schedule, and the consequences.
"Well this is rather... unusual of you," he laughed, "It's good, though."
"Really?" I frowned, wondering if Emmett's approval was cause for concern.
"Yeah. You've been moping around for way too long, seeing Bella will hopefully pull you out of the funk. We need your head clear in the studio."
"Em, I'm ..."
"No, it's OK, I get it," the untypical seriousness from Em shook me a little, "I mean, if it was Rose, I'd be the same."
"Thanks, I guess."
"Now, travel details," he snapped back to business mode, "and please don't tell me you have no return ticket, because I really don't want Rose to cut me off over your insanity."
After we'd established that my return ticked was booked and not endangering our recordings and therefore his sex life was perfectly safe, I finished packing. I checked my email one more time before I packed up the laptop, trying to figure out the time difference. Was Bella at work or asleep? Did I cross lines in the email that made her not reply this time?
To stop myself from pacing and over-analyzing, I threw the duffel on my shoulder, grabbed my guitar and headed straight to Heathrow. Maybe if I was at the airport, I'd get onto an earlier flight.
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"Bella, come on, you have to say something!" Alice glared at her best friend, "he's going to London, how can you let him go without telling him..."
"No Ali, I can't!" Bella's shoulders shook a little as her hands rubbed her face, "I can't say anything because it won't change a thing. He'll still leave, he has to, this is amazing for the band."
"But he..."
"No, he wouldn't stay. Even if I'd allowed him to throw away the chance, which I wouldn't," the women looked at each other, "I doubt he would even want to. And yes, I have heard your theory, Ali, I still don't agree."
"He's my brother, though," Alice sighed, "I know him. I know he would want to know."
"Remember the last time I saw him? You were there; you know how awkward it was. I don't want things between us to get worse."
"So you'll just watch him go?"
"Well, no, I won't watch him. I will not be there when he's leaving. I couldn't..." Bella hugged her knees and hid her face trying to stop her tears from taking over. "... I can't actually watch him go, but I'm not going to give him any reason to throw this away."
Alice wrapped her arms around her friend's shoulders and thought back to a similar conversation with Edward. She couldn't betray either of them by saying anything, though, so she held Bella close and wondered if they'd ever get it right.
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The airport halls were surprisingly empty, I expected it to be crazy busy because of all the booked out flights and to have a distraction in people watching. There was barely anyone to watch though, so I aimlessly walked around, stopped by the airline's information desk, confirmed that there weren't any seats on an earlier flight, even with a transfer and eventually I ended up in the arrivals hall.
I tried to imagine how it would be if I wasn't here to go away but to pick up Bella. It was easy enough to look at the arrivals board, pick the one flight from Seattle off the list, calculate how long it took to walk from the plane through the passport checks and retrieving baggage and then just stare at the doors. My phone's ring tone tore me from my musings and I had to smile as Alice's name popped up on the screen.
"Hey crazy!" I greeted her with a laugh.
"Takes one to know one," she retorted, laughing too, "what are you up to?"
I hesitated before I answered her. Alice knew how I felt about Bella, even though it wasn't in major detail, but she knew to read into my music and into the words to my songs.
"I'm at Heathrow."
"You're where?" her voice went up, "Why are you at the airport?"
"We got some time off, so I'm heading off for a while," I said quietly, wondering why she seemed agitated.
"Where are you heading?" the curiosity in her voice had a strange undertone that I couldn't quite decipher.
"Well, actually..."
"E, are you heading in this direction?" she asked when I hesitated with my answer.
"Sort of?"
"Edward..."
The silence that followed her whispering my name was deafening.
"Ali, what's going on?"
"Where exactly are you?"
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The lack of entertainment and the abundance of thoughts had eventually exhausted me and I fell asleep. The next thing I knew, the flight attendant was waking me up for landing. It was better than spending the flight talking myself into just jumping onto the next flight back home, though.
I walked through the passport control in a daze, still not entirely awake. It was a good thing that my suitcase was bright and I silently thanked Alice, even though I cursed her at the time. I wasn't necessarily a fan of yellow and pink, but it made for less confusion when it came to luggage spotting.
Once I had everything and my phone was on, I called Alice, but I was sent straight to voice mail. I found it strange, since she knew exactly what time I was landing, so I tried again as I walked towards the exit.
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"I've just wandered off to Arrivals," I answered Alice, not understanding why she needed to know, "why do you want..."
"What time is it?" she interrupted me and I glanced towards the board to tell her.
"Oh, the Seattle flight has landed, I should head over to check in," I said instead.
"Has it? That's interesting, wait, which airline flies in from Seattle? What's the flight number?"
Alice shot questions at me without waiting for an answer, but after the second one, I stopped listening, because a flash of pink caught my eye.
"Ali, I have to go," I hung up the call without waiting for her to say anything.
The distinctive color of the suitcase I spotted held my attention and though I felt like crazy following it with my gaze, I had to know. There was only one other person I knew who had a suitcase that bright besides Alice. And my sister was most definitely not at Heathrow or I would've known about it as she wasn't one to keep secrets. When I spotted long brown hair on the person pulling the pink and yellow suitcase, which was now almost in front of me, it just cemented that I wasn't going completely insane.
"Bella?" I managed to say just loud enough to be heard.
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I heard my name and my eyes shot up to the source of the voice. The same one that haunted my dreams and fantasies for the past few years, especially after the phone calls between us got rare.
"Edward," I whispered and without any further thought let go of the suitcase and threw my arms around him.
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Her lithe body hit mine with all its force and my arms snaked around her waist. I stared into her hair, afraid to close my eyes just in case she disappeared when I did so.
"You're here," I whispered, nearly breathless.
"I am," she said just as quietly, her arms tightening around me.
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"Why are you here?" I breathed out when he finally let me go.
Our hands automatically found each other and I couldn't make myself look away from his face.
"Did Alice tell you...?” I whispered and knew that wasn't the answer when I saw his eyes widen.
"She knew?"
"Yeah, but she was sworn to secrecy," I rolled my eyes.
"She didn't tell me, B," he looked at the floor, "I was... I was about to get on a plane to Seattle."
My jaw fell and I stared at him in shock.
"But... Why?"
"You didn't answer my email," he whispered and I thought back to overanalyzing that email and writing a reply in my head repeatedly, "I thought you ..."
"I didn't know what to say," I sighed. "I was on my way over, but I didn't want to tell you until I got here and I thought you were going to be playing gigs and I could catch you at one of them, but I knew if I told you I was coming, you'd be waiting for me and I wasn't sure I was ready to see you straight off the plane and..."
His lips meeting mine cut me off and all thoughts I had were suddenly gone.
"Oh," I said and immediately turned red in embarrassment.
"I wanted to do that for a long time," Edward said quietly.
"Why didn't you?"
"I never thought..."
Both our phones suddenly rang and when I looked at my screen, I rolled my eyes a little.
"Hi Ali," I managed to say before she took over.
"Where are you? Are you at Heathrow? Did you get your suitcase yet? Where are you going?"
"Alice, I'll call you back, I need to..."
"Wait, Edward just called me and said he was..."
"I know, Ali," I said simply and hung up, but not without hearing the high-pitched happy squeal from my best friend.
"So," Edward started, his phone now back in his pocket.
"So..."
"I guess I'm not going to Seattle then," he smiled at me and reached for his duffel bag.
"That would be a little pointless, wouldn't it?"
We both laughed, Edward grabbed the handle of my suitcase never letting go of my hand and we headed for the exit. Before we reached the doors, he turned to me again, let the suitcase go and kissed me again.
"I'm so glad you're here."