Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart…
Evening all….I am at home in London. I was supposed to come back yesterday, but I forgot some stuff I needed so after work I went back to Jakes and ended up staying. I got into a total flap about nothing (as usual). I asked Jake if he would come with me, and he said he couldn’t, which I understand. But I was crying and didn’t want to go without him and he wouldn’t give in and just come with me. Its only two night’s after-all. And, like I usually do in any situation where he doesn’t do the things I want him to do, I compared him to my ex’s and felt shitty about him and us for a while, totally needlessly. Gah, I have no idea why I do these things that make me so unhappy.
I also went to bed and had a string of very weird dreams that I’m not comfortable with. Everything that happened yesterday was riddled throughout them, and though some of them where quite nice (I dreamt that Jake Nana asked me to stay at her house), others were horrible and when I woke up this morning I felt strange and mean as if I had betrayed Jake for dreaming about these things.
We’re only spending one night apart so I don’t feel too stressed about it, but I do miss him and happily so. I miss the smell of him, the comfort of our laughter together and tonight I will miss the warmth of his breath on my neck and his legs tangled with mine. Sleeping next to him is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Just for you Lena, there has been plenty of sexy antics going on in my life….yesterday when I got home from work (dressed rather smartly) we were kissing on his bed and I put my hand down the front of his trousers and he said “stop it, what if someone finds out…” so we played a little game and made it up together as we went along, pretending we were having a sordid office affair. We had sex fully clothed, me with my skirt rucked up and my knickers pushed to the side, him with his flies undone. It was very sexy.
And then this morning, we made love. There was nothing particularly different about it to make it stand out in my mind - it was just beautiful. We woke up together, chatted for a bit, then together gradually worked each other up. I was on the bottom, with his soft morning face raised above me, beautiful and full of love. We whispered words of love and lust into each other ears as we moved together. Afterwards he lay on top of me, with his head buried into my neck and his warm breath on my skin. I tangled my fingers in his hair and watched his shoulder in front of my rise and fall. I thought to myself ‘I want to marry this man’. We’ve said it to each other countless times, but someone thinking it like that has made me really realise it. He lifted his head and looked at me. He told me I am beautiful.
It scares me you know? The last time I allowed myself to deeply love someone, it fucking hurt. I was changed for a time, and it took a lot out of me. Perhaps I’ll never get over it in some ways, it’s certainly had an affect on how scared I am about this love, this true deep love, greater than any other. It scares the shit out of me, because I know that it could ruin me. And I don’t trust him that he wont, somehow, somewhere along the line. I really don’t. I trust him to look after me, to love me, to keep me safe and loved. I know that he will do anything in his power to protect me, now. But someday, it might change, and I might have to deal with the absolutely terrifying prospect of being without him. I don’t trust him not to hurt me, not to fuck up, not to abandon me. And that is a newly developed fear, because before I was hurt I used to think ‘no, he loves me, he’d never do that…..’, but it just isn’t true is it. Sometimes its not.
There was a situation last weekend, when I took a drug I had never taken before, and beforehand I had asked Jake to take care of me, knowing that of course, he would. And he did, I was safe with friends and I had a fantastic night. However, as I started to come up I said to Jake “oh I think I’m coming up” and he went to get me some water. As I sat there coming up I went really hot, and prickly all over. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling, but it was new and all of a sudden I was having big waves rushing through my system. Jake came back and handed me the water and said “I’m going to go chat to Harry, I haven’t spoken much with him”. He smiled at me, and left the room. And then I panicked. I was in a totally safe situation, in a house party. But the people I was with aren’t really my friends, I only knew Stewie, and I didn’t know him that well. I started to feel worried and overly hot, and then I thought to myself ‘calm down, you’ve done drugs plenty of times, you know this feeling, it’s all fine, and if you don’t like it, Jakes just downstairs and he’ll take you home’. Then I had a fucking great night. Jake came back, everything was cool and I was happy and chilled. But it’s left a sour taste in my mouth, and though we talked about it that night, I haven’t broached the subject again, because I don’t like where it will lead, and feelings about it that I’ll have to face. I guess that has something to do with why I’m spacing out a bit at the moment.
Regardless of all this, he is so wonderful, that at times I watch him and swell with pride that he’s mine, and that together we’ve made something so beautiful.
All mine,
Jess
xxx
I also went to bed and had a string of very weird dreams that I’m not comfortable with. Everything that happened yesterday was riddled throughout them, and though some of them where quite nice (I dreamt that Jake Nana asked me to stay at her house), others were horrible and when I woke up this morning I felt strange and mean as if I had betrayed Jake for dreaming about these things.
We’re only spending one night apart so I don’t feel too stressed about it, but I do miss him and happily so. I miss the smell of him, the comfort of our laughter together and tonight I will miss the warmth of his breath on my neck and his legs tangled with mine. Sleeping next to him is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Just for you Lena, there has been plenty of sexy antics going on in my life….yesterday when I got home from work (dressed rather smartly) we were kissing on his bed and I put my hand down the front of his trousers and he said “stop it, what if someone finds out…” so we played a little game and made it up together as we went along, pretending we were having a sordid office affair. We had sex fully clothed, me with my skirt rucked up and my knickers pushed to the side, him with his flies undone. It was very sexy.
And then this morning, we made love. There was nothing particularly different about it to make it stand out in my mind - it was just beautiful. We woke up together, chatted for a bit, then together gradually worked each other up. I was on the bottom, with his soft morning face raised above me, beautiful and full of love. We whispered words of love and lust into each other ears as we moved together. Afterwards he lay on top of me, with his head buried into my neck and his warm breath on my skin. I tangled my fingers in his hair and watched his shoulder in front of my rise and fall. I thought to myself ‘I want to marry this man’. We’ve said it to each other countless times, but someone thinking it like that has made me really realise it. He lifted his head and looked at me. He told me I am beautiful.
It scares me you know? The last time I allowed myself to deeply love someone, it fucking hurt. I was changed for a time, and it took a lot out of me. Perhaps I’ll never get over it in some ways, it’s certainly had an affect on how scared I am about this love, this true deep love, greater than any other. It scares the shit out of me, because I know that it could ruin me. And I don’t trust him that he wont, somehow, somewhere along the line. I really don’t. I trust him to look after me, to love me, to keep me safe and loved. I know that he will do anything in his power to protect me, now. But someday, it might change, and I might have to deal with the absolutely terrifying prospect of being without him. I don’t trust him not to hurt me, not to fuck up, not to abandon me. And that is a newly developed fear, because before I was hurt I used to think ‘no, he loves me, he’d never do that…..’, but it just isn’t true is it. Sometimes its not.
There was a situation last weekend, when I took a drug I had never taken before, and beforehand I had asked Jake to take care of me, knowing that of course, he would. And he did, I was safe with friends and I had a fantastic night. However, as I started to come up I said to Jake “oh I think I’m coming up” and he went to get me some water. As I sat there coming up I went really hot, and prickly all over. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling, but it was new and all of a sudden I was having big waves rushing through my system. Jake came back and handed me the water and said “I’m going to go chat to Harry, I haven’t spoken much with him”. He smiled at me, and left the room. And then I panicked. I was in a totally safe situation, in a house party. But the people I was with aren’t really my friends, I only knew Stewie, and I didn’t know him that well. I started to feel worried and overly hot, and then I thought to myself ‘calm down, you’ve done drugs plenty of times, you know this feeling, it’s all fine, and if you don’t like it, Jakes just downstairs and he’ll take you home’. Then I had a fucking great night. Jake came back, everything was cool and I was happy and chilled. But it’s left a sour taste in my mouth, and though we talked about it that night, I haven’t broached the subject again, because I don’t like where it will lead, and feelings about it that I’ll have to face. I guess that has something to do with why I’m spacing out a bit at the moment.
Regardless of all this, he is so wonderful, that at times I watch him and swell with pride that he’s mine, and that together we’ve made something so beautiful.
All mine,
Jess
xxx