"all i want is to want one thing."

[jessie_nessie]

the devil and god are raging inside me.
never were words more true.
i know who i want to win.
so why do i let the devil have his little victories?

no more.
... yet i've said this so many times.
so where does this leave me?
back at the beginning of an ongoing cycle.
one i've struggled with since i was little; one that i've yet to break.

maybe i don't want god to win.
maybe i really want the devil to reign.
he seems like a lot more fun at times.
but i know it's an illusion.
i know he's hurtful.
i know he finds joy in the pain i've felt all these years.

wouldn't i try a lot harder if i truly wanted god to win?
but i feel bad for the pain i've caused god after i let in to the devil.
so, i must want him to win.
i'm simply weak, which is no excuse.

this time, though, i'm ending it all.
i'm sick, tired, and worn out from this cycle.
help keep me accountable.
every now and then, ask me, "so, who's winning the battle?"
that's all you have to say.
please?
i'd appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.




will wage on no longer.