(no subject)
Waiting and waiting... You know the funny thing, after my accident everything was but into perspective. I felt like all I wanted was the good ol American dream. And you know what I really don't care for the good ol American dream. Well maybe except the part about the awesome job and good school. I thought that this accident was going to change me or you know some epiphany or something. Really there is nothing. I spend hours and hours at home. Really too much time to think about things. I have always hated routine. I mean life does need some routine but this is getting ridiculous.
Then on top of it, I know my mom feels like she is trapped. She needs to get out and stop freaking out over me. I mean she'll freak out at me over the weirdest things and I just don't know what to do. I know she feels like her freedom is totally gone. I mean she is just kind of a reck. She doesn't really show it to anyone else but it's there. I don't know, I just want her to be happy. To not worry, to not stress out. I want her to feel like she can leave the house, go out shopping and to dinner with her friends. On top of all this my dad calls and is over every Tuesday night. I know she hates this. She hates that he calls, and/or stops by. It's like she divorced the man and can't get rid of him. I know that it's all because of me. There is really nothing I can do. I am his daughter. All this wrapped together is another ball of stress. My family doctor is waiting for me to crack in some posttraumatic epic. Like it's not alright that I am over the fact that I lost part of my leg. I'm not going to crack. I think she is finally giving up on the whole I am going to crack thing. Just play the waiting game. I have to wait till my wound heals enough that I can wear a prosthetic.
On a lighter note my brother is coming April third I think to visit. I also think that my aunts will be coming at that time too. I am really looking forward to it because well it's my family. I love them. It will just be really nice to have them here.
I can stop think about all of this, the ups and downs. The feeling of being helpless to fix it. There is not too much I can do so. I do what I can and at the end of it I just say fuck it. It's out of my hands
Then on top of it, I know my mom feels like she is trapped. She needs to get out and stop freaking out over me. I mean she'll freak out at me over the weirdest things and I just don't know what to do. I know she feels like her freedom is totally gone. I mean she is just kind of a reck. She doesn't really show it to anyone else but it's there. I don't know, I just want her to be happy. To not worry, to not stress out. I want her to feel like she can leave the house, go out shopping and to dinner with her friends. On top of all this my dad calls and is over every Tuesday night. I know she hates this. She hates that he calls, and/or stops by. It's like she divorced the man and can't get rid of him. I know that it's all because of me. There is really nothing I can do. I am his daughter. All this wrapped together is another ball of stress. My family doctor is waiting for me to crack in some posttraumatic epic. Like it's not alright that I am over the fact that I lost part of my leg. I'm not going to crack. I think she is finally giving up on the whole I am going to crack thing. Just play the waiting game. I have to wait till my wound heals enough that I can wear a prosthetic.
On a lighter note my brother is coming April third I think to visit. I also think that my aunts will be coming at that time too. I am really looking forward to it because well it's my family. I love them. It will just be really nice to have them here.
I can stop think about all of this, the ups and downs. The feeling of being helpless to fix it. There is not too much I can do so. I do what I can and at the end of it I just say fuck it. It's out of my hands