OA: The Importance of My Abstinence.
"Abstinence is as easy for me as temperance is difficult." - Samuel Johnson
Deciding I'm going to have a binge tonight and then quit is like saying I'll be green-eyed today and go back to being blue-eyed tomorrow morning. As crazy as that sounds, it's what I did before I came to OA. Against all the evidence, I thought I could handle an occasional pig-out, as many noncompulsive people do. I stubbornly refused to recognize the difference between myself and the normies: I could not stop. As one OA put it, "First there was the Friday night eat-all-you-want plan, which quickly became the weekend plan, which quickly slopped over to Monday and Tuesday, which then swallowed up the entire week. "
For Today: As a compulsive overeater, it is far easier for me to abstain from over indulgence in food than to try to become a "normal" eater.
Last night, for the first time, I said out loud, "My recovery is the most important thing in my life right now. Because if I don't, my compulsion will eventually kill me."
Somethings that really woke me up to this was a few weeks ago when it was shared that a young man died of two addictions: food and alcohol. He weighed around 400 lbs, drank like he was drowning, and died at the age of 26. TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD. Hello, that's my age. It could happen to me. People as young as myself with my particular disease have had heart attacks, lost limbs or their sight to diabetes, become immobilized by the weight and yes, died. Two years ago, I may have been okay with dying, but sure as shit that isn't the case anymore. I have a lot to live for and I want to enjoy living! And that's why I am doing what I am doing here. The 12 step program is my ladder out of this hole I put myself in, and damn it, I'm taking it one rung at a time.
Another incident was talking about what I want to be doing with my life with my dragon and with a fellow OAer. What I realized is that I am making progress every day AWAY from the depression and PTSD, no matter how small of steps. What many don't realize is that it is HUGE that I am waking up, getting some chores done, and doing some form of exercise everyday. Two years ago, I couldn't deal with being awake for longer than 2 hours at a time. Getting up and taking a shower, then sitting next to my mom on the couch to watch tv was EXHAUSTING. That's how fucked up I was, and that is how far I have come. Hell, I got all excited yesterday because I got on the damn bus for the first time EVER to get to a meeting, and didn't miss my stop or have a melt down! Who gets excited about that?!?*
So yes, what do I want from my life right now? I want to be in recovery. I want to live each day to the fullest that I can, by accomplishing what I am able for that day. To be understanding to those who don't know my full story or don't understand why or what I am trying to accomplish. And to be abstinent against emotional, compulsive overeating and purging. And I can do all that, Just For Today.
*The road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease.