Just my brain processing...
Just when I start to think Im ok I have a random breakdown.
I was watching Sex and the City. An episode from season 6 when Meranda realizes that she loves Steve and she actually tells him that she loves him.
There was something about the story that got to me. Charolette miscarried. Meranda was celebrating Brady's year birthday...
I was so close to having the life I wanted. I had someone in my life.
We were going to be happy here together. We were going to move back to Portland and be happy together. Since I started going out to bars and drinking. We were supposed to come here where we had friends and where there are great bars and be happy together.
We would start a family soon. I would be a mom.
I was so close to being a mom.
If I could afford it I think I would just go get pregnant. Who needs a guy?
These days you don't need a man to be a mom.
Now, Im busy. I told Eryck that I wouldn't probably ever call him. That I was too busy. He deleted me from myspace. Lol, oh well. We messaged back an forth a few times. He didn't really inspire me to change my mind. I really am too busy for it to be worth it for him. Im not ready for that yet. He said he just wanted a friend since he was new to town. I don't care if he is new. I still don't have time.
Ryan is fun. He came over and watched a movie with me last night. Yes, we really just watched the movie. We watched Anchorman. It was funny. Ryan is ok with me. He cares. He is gentle. Ryan and I are extremely similar. He is like the male version of me I think, lol. I am not sure if anything romantic will come of it but for now it is fun to hang out with him. He just wants me to smile. I need a guy friends like that right now. He is willing to talk about anything but I wont talk to him about Luke yet....
What is with guys and the phrase "I just want you to be happy." Luke told me that up till our last day. What the fuck does that mean? You want me to be happy? You just want to take care of me. Luke was so excited about us when we were first together. We went on hikes all the time, we watched lots of movies. He wanted to make out with me all the time. But after we were together for a while we went on less walks together. He spent less time with me. Then, I was tired of waiting for him to spend time with me and I just started to do what he wanted. I compromised myself to stay with him. Did I really compromise though. I could have done more to keep us together.
How will I beable to tell when I am with someone if it is real or not? I gave Luke my last name. I am now a lone Swanson... I know it is just a name. Maybe when I get married again someday and when I go to change my name, I will bring back Jeffery and make it a hyphen name. Jeffery-Newname. We'll see. Who knows if I will find someone worth marrying. Maybe I will never get married again. Just have a long term relationship that doesn't include marriage.
I was watching Sex and the City. An episode from season 6 when Meranda realizes that she loves Steve and she actually tells him that she loves him.
There was something about the story that got to me. Charolette miscarried. Meranda was celebrating Brady's year birthday...
I was so close to having the life I wanted. I had someone in my life.
We were going to be happy here together. We were going to move back to Portland and be happy together. Since I started going out to bars and drinking. We were supposed to come here where we had friends and where there are great bars and be happy together.
We would start a family soon. I would be a mom.
I was so close to being a mom.
If I could afford it I think I would just go get pregnant. Who needs a guy?
These days you don't need a man to be a mom.
Now, Im busy. I told Eryck that I wouldn't probably ever call him. That I was too busy. He deleted me from myspace. Lol, oh well. We messaged back an forth a few times. He didn't really inspire me to change my mind. I really am too busy for it to be worth it for him. Im not ready for that yet. He said he just wanted a friend since he was new to town. I don't care if he is new. I still don't have time.
Ryan is fun. He came over and watched a movie with me last night. Yes, we really just watched the movie. We watched Anchorman. It was funny. Ryan is ok with me. He cares. He is gentle. Ryan and I are extremely similar. He is like the male version of me I think, lol. I am not sure if anything romantic will come of it but for now it is fun to hang out with him. He just wants me to smile. I need a guy friends like that right now. He is willing to talk about anything but I wont talk to him about Luke yet....
What is with guys and the phrase "I just want you to be happy." Luke told me that up till our last day. What the fuck does that mean? You want me to be happy? You just want to take care of me. Luke was so excited about us when we were first together. We went on hikes all the time, we watched lots of movies. He wanted to make out with me all the time. But after we were together for a while we went on less walks together. He spent less time with me. Then, I was tired of waiting for him to spend time with me and I just started to do what he wanted. I compromised myself to stay with him. Did I really compromise though. I could have done more to keep us together.
How will I beable to tell when I am with someone if it is real or not? I gave Luke my last name. I am now a lone Swanson... I know it is just a name. Maybe when I get married again someday and when I go to change my name, I will bring back Jeffery and make it a hyphen name. Jeffery-Newname. We'll see. Who knows if I will find someone worth marrying. Maybe I will never get married again. Just have a long term relationship that doesn't include marriage.