(no subject)
Life confuses me.
School is how you get to a "better" place in life. Is school for me? I am not sure. I had to drop the class I was taking over summer because I ran out of time. We got Frankie and I just didn't have time to do anything. School frustrates me. It costs so much damn money and takes up so much time for me. I can't just BS anything. School depresses me.
Work is ok. I like the kids at one moment and the next I am pulling out my hair because they are being little crazy kids. come home exhausted. Luke gets annoyed cause I just feel expressionless and don't want to deal with anything. All day long I am telling the kids what they need to be doing. Trying endlessly to get them to listen. By the end of the day I am just spent!
What do I do though? If this is not what I am supposed to do with my life what the hell am I supposed to be doing??? I have no clue what I am good at. What is my life supposed to be? I guess I need to just figure out a way to survive cause I can't keep switching jobs. I need to find a way to find the best in the day and how to re-energize after work so I can be there for luke. I need to figure out what I am doing..
I have a hard time articulating what I am feeling and finding a resolution to my problems. Luke tries to be understanding. Every job I have I get frustrated with. LUke says I am good at whatever I do. but I only see where I do poorly. I only see the struggles. I see those poor areas and just feel like I am doing horrible.
I know whenever I write in this journal it sounds like things are going all bad for me. But really life isn't that bad. I don't get much time to write so I only write when I feel pressure.
I want to have a job I love that I feel good at, where I love going to work everyday. And feel energized to encounter the events of the day.
Working at the daycare I just feel like everyday has the same struggles. Zoee wont listen. She wants your undivided attention. Ben freaks out and screams like a fire cracker for various reasons. Brandon bites, michelle(the twos teacher) was gone the week before last and was in the babies the week before that. While she was gone Brandon bit soooo many kids!!! Then she came back and he stopped. It makes me feel like I failed brandon... like I wasn't doing something to help him stop biting. It is hard.
I get a headache by the end of the day. However I don't feel confident in myself to go to school to work with kids that are older. I am scared of older kids. They can actually tell you whats up. They can actually know more than me in some areas. I mean they tend to be know it alls. I also would have to finish school and do lots of practicums practicing teaching in front of the classes. I am sooo scared of that! I don't do speaches.
Whatelse am I supposed to do?
School is how you get to a "better" place in life. Is school for me? I am not sure. I had to drop the class I was taking over summer because I ran out of time. We got Frankie and I just didn't have time to do anything. School frustrates me. It costs so much damn money and takes up so much time for me. I can't just BS anything. School depresses me.
Work is ok. I like the kids at one moment and the next I am pulling out my hair because they are being little crazy kids. come home exhausted. Luke gets annoyed cause I just feel expressionless and don't want to deal with anything. All day long I am telling the kids what they need to be doing. Trying endlessly to get them to listen. By the end of the day I am just spent!
What do I do though? If this is not what I am supposed to do with my life what the hell am I supposed to be doing??? I have no clue what I am good at. What is my life supposed to be? I guess I need to just figure out a way to survive cause I can't keep switching jobs. I need to find a way to find the best in the day and how to re-energize after work so I can be there for luke. I need to figure out what I am doing..
I have a hard time articulating what I am feeling and finding a resolution to my problems. Luke tries to be understanding. Every job I have I get frustrated with. LUke says I am good at whatever I do. but I only see where I do poorly. I only see the struggles. I see those poor areas and just feel like I am doing horrible.
I know whenever I write in this journal it sounds like things are going all bad for me. But really life isn't that bad. I don't get much time to write so I only write when I feel pressure.
I want to have a job I love that I feel good at, where I love going to work everyday. And feel energized to encounter the events of the day.
Working at the daycare I just feel like everyday has the same struggles. Zoee wont listen. She wants your undivided attention. Ben freaks out and screams like a fire cracker for various reasons. Brandon bites, michelle(the twos teacher) was gone the week before last and was in the babies the week before that. While she was gone Brandon bit soooo many kids!!! Then she came back and he stopped. It makes me feel like I failed brandon... like I wasn't doing something to help him stop biting. It is hard.
I get a headache by the end of the day. However I don't feel confident in myself to go to school to work with kids that are older. I am scared of older kids. They can actually tell you whats up. They can actually know more than me in some areas. I mean they tend to be know it alls. I also would have to finish school and do lots of practicums practicing teaching in front of the classes. I am sooo scared of that! I don't do speaches.
Whatelse am I supposed to do?