feeling this
I really feel like this journal is for myself because I am not even sure if anyone reads this. I don't even know if a journal is for sure a healthy way to express myself, because it could be that I am overanalyzing things that don't need to be looked further into. I guess I feel like I am in my prime. I feel so terrified at school yet so safe. Terrified in that I fear I won't get into my major and I won't graduate at a decent time because I might have to change my major if I do not get in. And safe in that as long as I am in college I do not have to worry about how post-college will be like and dealing with people who are probably going to be mean and hasty and not give a shit about my life. But that is still not true. In college, I am still worrying about the post-college life.
I am still trying to get internships, trying to make more money. I wish I really did have a savings that kept me reassured for years to come but that is just not possible right now. And for whatever reason turning 21 has made me feel more mature in a "there is more responsibility on you now" kinda way. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as lazy as I think I can be and wished that I did work until I was so stressed that I'd poke my eyes out. But where is the happiness in that? Where will I be in 2-3 years? Is it normal not to know for sure? Of course. But, I wish I felt settled.
I long to feel above and ahead of the game. I always feel behind or in the middle. I never feel on top of things. Or if I am on top of things I feel that I have forgotten something important and I will end up in square one again. I know I sound like a typical poor overstressed college student just trying to make it. I still think back to when I was a child and how I wondered what my life would be like at this point. I feel incredibly blessed yet so undeserving. I love some qualities that I have and hate faults that I possess. I find it said that I look forward to certain days because those days mark "happiness" on the calendar. When did scheduled happiness enter the game?
Words could keep pouring out of my ears and nose and mouth but it just might not be healthy to go on. I hope that I simply needed to vent frustration and start over again. I wish that if I was feeling behind or overworked that I wouldn't have to blame myself for procrasination, I wish the blame was elsewhere. I love so many in my life that have been so good to me, I truly don't deserve any of it. I hope Easter break will grant me with some sort of a "break." What the fuck to they even give us a break if all they're going to do is load us with studying for a midterm that will occur two hours after break is over? WHY DAMNIT WHY!
;)
I am still trying to get internships, trying to make more money. I wish I really did have a savings that kept me reassured for years to come but that is just not possible right now. And for whatever reason turning 21 has made me feel more mature in a "there is more responsibility on you now" kinda way. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as lazy as I think I can be and wished that I did work until I was so stressed that I'd poke my eyes out. But where is the happiness in that? Where will I be in 2-3 years? Is it normal not to know for sure? Of course. But, I wish I felt settled.
I long to feel above and ahead of the game. I always feel behind or in the middle. I never feel on top of things. Or if I am on top of things I feel that I have forgotten something important and I will end up in square one again. I know I sound like a typical poor overstressed college student just trying to make it. I still think back to when I was a child and how I wondered what my life would be like at this point. I feel incredibly blessed yet so undeserving. I love some qualities that I have and hate faults that I possess. I find it said that I look forward to certain days because those days mark "happiness" on the calendar. When did scheduled happiness enter the game?
Words could keep pouring out of my ears and nose and mouth but it just might not be healthy to go on. I hope that I simply needed to vent frustration and start over again. I wish that if I was feeling behind or overworked that I wouldn't have to blame myself for procrasination, I wish the blame was elsewhere. I love so many in my life that have been so good to me, I truly don't deserve any of it. I hope Easter break will grant me with some sort of a "break." What the fuck to they even give us a break if all they're going to do is load us with studying for a midterm that will occur two hours after break is over? WHY DAMNIT WHY!
;)