. . . because the blame will never be on you
I often wonder about the women I want to be. I already see the women I don't want to be, and that women is all around, She's in my way on the motorway driving badly and cursing to the sky, she's in the que for the pharmacy looking smug, she's at work making everyone's lives complicated because she believes she's better than everyone else.
I can already see my worst nightmare, she's like a shadow following me and everyone lets us know on a regular bases that you can't outrun your shadow but I'm determined to try. Why settle for second best? why settle at all?
Somehow in everyday life we get side tracked, I got side tracked for months, with people telling me how, how the future should start, but in my blurred state it already did and as the cuts fade into memories scared upon the skin I learnt more than that women holding me back. More than those seated in fear, in those months I forgot my most integral qualities, I forgot my voice, my independace.
I am an island, but I forgot why I left, I didn't leave because of selfish bettering reasons, I left because there was nothing here, there was family, family who came with me every step of the way who click back into place in a moments notice, but I found, I already found my future expanding out in front of me, Its bigger than me and I sat there blinded by the glare,
I left because you weren't good enough, they were never good enough and never would be, not enough of a friend, of a soul mate, you couldn't make my life better, you just kept making it worse and now I'm not afraid to speak up again, why should I put up with your words for forgiveness sake? you don't care and now, neither do I, you kept giving me matches every word, every excuse this is what you wanted! all along, so i'll burn it all down so you don't suffer the blame,
but now I see her, I see the women I want to be, and she doesn't need a lot, she needs honesty, loyalty because i am loyal and I don't get enough back, its not dark inside any more, all the pain has faded out, my souls been put back, each piece is back in place that's why I don't come crawling back.
I love my friends, my best friends the two of them, they don't know my whole past but they know all of me, they are forgiveness they do not do things because of greed, because of selfishness, they are my family away from home, they fight my corner, look after me and me after them and I can't be afraid, because even if everything fell apart they'd still be there with their torches alight.
Like it or not, I'm already the women i've always been, I'm the women I wanted to be or am becoming I am now aware of things that I never was before, I am protective, loyal, caring, strong, opinionated, fast thinking, unapologetic, flawed, loved, hurt, broken, mended, sweet, mushy, rough, blunt, cute, taken, vulnerable, independent, unafraid, scared, calm, beautiful . . . .
But you'll never see a thing, because your never looking for me and you never will and now that I've learned that your never going to change, I am happy to just let you go.
I can already see my worst nightmare, she's like a shadow following me and everyone lets us know on a regular bases that you can't outrun your shadow but I'm determined to try. Why settle for second best? why settle at all?
Somehow in everyday life we get side tracked, I got side tracked for months, with people telling me how, how the future should start, but in my blurred state it already did and as the cuts fade into memories scared upon the skin I learnt more than that women holding me back. More than those seated in fear, in those months I forgot my most integral qualities, I forgot my voice, my independace.
I am an island, but I forgot why I left, I didn't leave because of selfish bettering reasons, I left because there was nothing here, there was family, family who came with me every step of the way who click back into place in a moments notice, but I found, I already found my future expanding out in front of me, Its bigger than me and I sat there blinded by the glare,
I left because you weren't good enough, they were never good enough and never would be, not enough of a friend, of a soul mate, you couldn't make my life better, you just kept making it worse and now I'm not afraid to speak up again, why should I put up with your words for forgiveness sake? you don't care and now, neither do I, you kept giving me matches every word, every excuse this is what you wanted! all along, so i'll burn it all down so you don't suffer the blame,
but now I see her, I see the women I want to be, and she doesn't need a lot, she needs honesty, loyalty because i am loyal and I don't get enough back, its not dark inside any more, all the pain has faded out, my souls been put back, each piece is back in place that's why I don't come crawling back.
I love my friends, my best friends the two of them, they don't know my whole past but they know all of me, they are forgiveness they do not do things because of greed, because of selfishness, they are my family away from home, they fight my corner, look after me and me after them and I can't be afraid, because even if everything fell apart they'd still be there with their torches alight.
Like it or not, I'm already the women i've always been, I'm the women I wanted to be or am becoming I am now aware of things that I never was before, I am protective, loyal, caring, strong, opinionated, fast thinking, unapologetic, flawed, loved, hurt, broken, mended, sweet, mushy, rough, blunt, cute, taken, vulnerable, independent, unafraid, scared, calm, beautiful . . . .
But you'll never see a thing, because your never looking for me and you never will and now that I've learned that your never going to change, I am happy to just let you go.