a house divided...
so i've noticed something about myself. i seem to be split into several different people, and none of them are really connected.
i have the girlfriend (for my husband)...fun-loving, southern chic who likes to ride fourwheelers and get muddy, loves riding in the pickup truck, listening to country music turned up too loud. she talks in a southern drawl and is a bit more rough-and-tumble; she can fix fences and knows how to build a deck and air up tires.
then there's the mother...the one who kisses the boo-boo's and changes the diapers, the one who runs around outside with the kids, the one who buys organic milk and uses cloth shopping bags and sometimes cloth diapers, the one who makes sure the stories get read every night and the songs get sung. she is kind and smiling, patient and gives lots of hugs.
then there is the student...she works too hard on her schoolwork half the time, the other half she slacks off, but still manages to makes stellar grades and keep ahead of most people in class. she excells at anything she puts her hand to.
then we have the bookworm...she reads everything she can get her hands on (over and over and over), drinking books like water. she is a grammar nazi and writes when she has spare time (which is never, especially since most of the time she's wrapped up in a new book). she would rather read than do almost anything else.
the music nerd...she cannot live without music, whether that means listening to it, playing it, learning about it, writing it, music = life. she wants to be a conductor when she grows up. she has a difficult time co-existing with the girlfriend, since they have so little in common. she was and always will be a band geek, and she wants to teach music at her alma mater, although the mother and the girlfriend keep telling her that will never happen.
the crazy kid...she's new, or at least she appears to be. she dresses a bit too strange and paints her nails black. she's obsessed with odd things like harry potter and sweeney todd, twilight and tim burton movies. she dyed her hair black with purple streaks once. people don't understand her. she does NOT get along with the girlfriend.
the bulimarexic...has been boiling under the surface for years, but has just reared her ugly head in the past two years. she's crazy in the literal sense of the word. she may actually be the cause for the split, but that's yet to be deterimined. she doesn't want to recover from her eating disorder, and half the time she wants to kill herself.
and finally, the fuck-up...lazy, disorganized, messy, short-tempered, wasteful bane of my existance. everything is her fault, whether it really is or not. she manages to blame herself for everything that goes wrong, and half the time, she's right.
i know that all sounds crazy. but it's how i feel. disjointed. i have no idea who i really am. the person that manifests herself depends on who i'm with at the time. i'm scared to death to be alone because i have no idea who i am when there's no one there to tell me who to be. that probably doesn't make any sense at all.
i feel a bit better now that i've written it all down like that. a bit saner. still no closer to figuring out who i really am. i wonder if i'll ever know.
i wonder if these parts of me can ever happily coexist with each other.
i have the girlfriend (for my husband)...fun-loving, southern chic who likes to ride fourwheelers and get muddy, loves riding in the pickup truck, listening to country music turned up too loud. she talks in a southern drawl and is a bit more rough-and-tumble; she can fix fences and knows how to build a deck and air up tires.
then there's the mother...the one who kisses the boo-boo's and changes the diapers, the one who runs around outside with the kids, the one who buys organic milk and uses cloth shopping bags and sometimes cloth diapers, the one who makes sure the stories get read every night and the songs get sung. she is kind and smiling, patient and gives lots of hugs.
then there is the student...she works too hard on her schoolwork half the time, the other half she slacks off, but still manages to makes stellar grades and keep ahead of most people in class. she excells at anything she puts her hand to.
then we have the bookworm...she reads everything she can get her hands on (over and over and over), drinking books like water. she is a grammar nazi and writes when she has spare time (which is never, especially since most of the time she's wrapped up in a new book). she would rather read than do almost anything else.
the music nerd...she cannot live without music, whether that means listening to it, playing it, learning about it, writing it, music = life. she wants to be a conductor when she grows up. she has a difficult time co-existing with the girlfriend, since they have so little in common. she was and always will be a band geek, and she wants to teach music at her alma mater, although the mother and the girlfriend keep telling her that will never happen.
the crazy kid...she's new, or at least she appears to be. she dresses a bit too strange and paints her nails black. she's obsessed with odd things like harry potter and sweeney todd, twilight and tim burton movies. she dyed her hair black with purple streaks once. people don't understand her. she does NOT get along with the girlfriend.
the bulimarexic...has been boiling under the surface for years, but has just reared her ugly head in the past two years. she's crazy in the literal sense of the word. she may actually be the cause for the split, but that's yet to be deterimined. she doesn't want to recover from her eating disorder, and half the time she wants to kill herself.
and finally, the fuck-up...lazy, disorganized, messy, short-tempered, wasteful bane of my existance. everything is her fault, whether it really is or not. she manages to blame herself for everything that goes wrong, and half the time, she's right.
i know that all sounds crazy. but it's how i feel. disjointed. i have no idea who i really am. the person that manifests herself depends on who i'm with at the time. i'm scared to death to be alone because i have no idea who i am when there's no one there to tell me who to be. that probably doesn't make any sense at all.
i feel a bit better now that i've written it all down like that. a bit saner. still no closer to figuring out who i really am. i wonder if i'll ever know.
i wonder if these parts of me can ever happily coexist with each other.