Protect us from all anxiety
It's been about a month and a half since I posted about baby school. I had pretty much resigned myself to sticking with our current situation for the time being. All the "good" day cares in town are full, and while I'm on all the waiting lists, the earliest it seems I'll be able to get both of my children into anywhere better will be August 2011. For now, Penelope is actually doing fantastically well, learning a ton, and obviously adores her teachers and her friends. And Atticus is naturally a really happy, easygoing baby, so I tell myself he'll be okay for the next almost-a-year.
Then one of my old friends from high school, Sarah, started working in my office, and she needed a place to send her baby. She knew how I felt about our situation, but I told her, "Hey, my shitty day care has openings. I don't 'recommend' them, but at least I know them." So she came by for a tour.
Then she visited this other place, CN, which I had ruled out for myself. I ruled it out because I toured it a couple of years ago when we first moved here, and it seemed rather corporate and sterile to me. I felt like it was more of a business and feared it might not be very loving. I didn't remember it very clearly, but that was my basic feeling. Plus, CN is right on a busy road, and the playground faces a Walgreens parking lot, divided only by a chain link fence, so any weirdo going to pick up his antipsychotics can get a good eyeful. Also, I read two complaints by parents on message boards. The place is part of a chain of day cares, and this is one of maybe five in our area. Some of the other locations had complaints, too. Bare minimum, this place isn't known around town as being one of the better day cares, so in my mind, it's no better than where I am now, and there's no point in moving if it's not to somewhere better.
But when Sarah visited, she said it was a lot nicer than my current baby school. So I decided to visit again.
It was a lot nicer! At least for the babies. The baby room is divided into two areas, one for play, and one for cribs, changing, and feeding. There are no swings or bouncers on the play side, which is a shoe-free area with lots of toys. There are two bouncers on the other side, but they told me they would use those to put babies in if they were feeding older babies at the table. There does not appear to be this chronic problem of sticking babies in bouncers or swings and leaving them there to stare at the wall as long as they aren't crying, which is what they do at my baby school (not all the time, but enough that I see it happening in the morning when I drop Atticus off, mid-day when I come to feed him at lunch, and at night when I come to pick him up). At CN, the teacher was on the floor, playing with the two babies who were there that day. They can take up to 8, but for some reason they have only 3 enrolled at this time, and only 2 were present that day.
The toddler room was also nicer. Again, TONS of toys, and this really cool indoor playhouse with a slide and stuff to climb. There was one teacher and... six toddlers? I think that's the limit. The teacher wasn't interacting with them that heavily, but she was sitting on the floor or down at their level and talking to whoever was around her.
At my baby school, I walk through the toddler room to get to the baby room. In the morning--and I've noticed this since way back when Penelope first started, and it bothered me even then--the teachers chit-chat with each other and ignore the kids. There's this one teacher, T, the primary teacher, who always wears this expression that seems just incredibly dour, like she's Peter from Office Space, and every day you see her is the worst day of her life. Sometimes at nap time, she's sitting on the floor and patting someones back, but that's the extent of the interaction I ever see there. The rest of the time, she might be serving lunch wordlessly, or browsing a Chinese take-out menu, or working on a lesson plan. The toddler room always has one or two kids who are crying, often the same one or two. Crying but not being consoled. They do have plenty of toys; I should acknowledge that. And unlike the babies, the toddlers can get to the toys themselves and don't have to rely on someone remember or caring to hand one to them.
On my tour of CN, I didn't get a good look at the 2s room. I did hear some crying in there, but it didn't last.
The 3s room, where Penelope would be if we switched, was pretty decent. The teacher, Ms. D, was very energetic and enthusiastic. I have no trouble believing Penelope would like her. I did't think the room was as big or had as much cool stuff to do as at our current 3s room, though. However, they told me that they never watch TV. Many afternoons at our current place, Penelope's group is watching a movie when I come to pick her up, and they watch educational videos during the day pretty regularly. I kind of feel like my kid watches more than enough TV, and if anyone should be using TV as a babysitter, it's me at home, not the day care where I pay good money NOT to have my kid watching TV.
Anyway, Ms. D's class at CN was doing centers when I took the tour, and Ms. D was cleaning up and preparing for whatever was to come next, so she wasn't really interacting. But she showed me these portfolios they make for the kids starting when they first begin as babies and following them along as long as they are there. The portfolios are filled with pictures and notes about their activities. She showed me some of her curriculum stuff (it's the same curriculum they use at the current baby school). A little girl arrived and was unhappy to see her mom go, and Ms. D ran over and gave her a hug and took her to the water table, which cheered her up instantly. Ms. D had lots of good stuff to show me and lots of good answers to my questions. When I passed back through her room on the way out, she was reading a book to all the kids, who were sitting nicely in a circle with her.
The material they gave me was very professional-looking since it all came from this childcare corporation. The tour was very professional, to a fault, in fact. The tour guide, who is the assistant director, definitely had her talking points. In fact, when I called to ask if they had openings and to schedule the tour, the person on the phone had talking points: "Why, yes, we do have openings in our baby room. We are on the FDA food program, and we feed our infants Similac" and blah blah blah. The current baby school will answer your questions if you ask them, but they don't really have information to volunteer. And they are professional, but pretty bare-bones.
More pros for CN: I discovered that another lady in my office, Melanie, just started her son at CN in the 2s room, and she has been pleased with her first week. And Melanie sits next to J, who is my coworker whose mother works in Atticus's baby room at our current day care. Sarah also talked to these two women about CN, and J told her that she would never send her own children to my current baby school, even though her mother works there. She said that her mother complains all the time about how terrible the directors are, and the one time J went there, the place just seemed dirty (? I've never noticed it to be dirty, really). So that's another con for current baby school.
Two cons for CN: a friend of a friend used to work there, and while she said she loved all the people she worked with, there was one lady who was German and, thus, had a gruff-sounding voice (so said the friend-of-a-friend) and came across as kind of harsh, and then she actually had yelled at some kids in the 3s room, so she was moved to the baby room. And indeed the woman working in the baby room when I went had a German accent, so I guess it's the same person. She did not yell at anyone and seemed plenty loving. She did tell one baby not to steal toys from another baby. It was rather... direct. Also, yet another friend from way back has her son there, and while SHE also loves it, she told me that her son is a "handful" because he is dealing with issues from his birth mom and foster care. It's great that they are working with her, but that means this handful kid with birth mom and foster care issues is in the class where P would be.
Those cons are pretty convoluted, I admit.
Bottom line: the tour was pretty nice. If I only had Atticus to think about, I'd probably switch tomorrow. But I still don't feel convinced I will want to stay there forever. I'm not sure why. I guess because this place really doesn't have a great reputation. I kind of feel like even if I move my kids to this place, I'll still want to move them to one of the others, the "good" ones, if and when a spot is available, because trying to get in has been so difficult. I'll feel too much pressure not to accept an opening, because if we switch to CN, and something goes wrong down the line, I'll want to kick myself again for letting a better place get away.
Here's the other thing. Penelope is really thriving right now. I don't think switching her right this second is the right thing to do for her. She is the one who will know what is going on and will remember it. She loves her teacher and loves her friends. She's happy in the morning to be going to her class and even says so. Just in the last couple of weeks, she has started acknowledging even the ancillary people at the school, saying goodbye to them and calling them by name on our way out. She incorporates her classmates into her play time at home, acting out little scenes that go the way they do things at preschool. She's learning letters and songs; she amazes me every week with new stuff she knows. And, yeah, I'm sure she'd continue learning at CN, but I'm afraid transitioning could be hard on her. She's done well in the past... but now she's got a better memory for people and routines. It's not that she wouldn't do well at CN, but she would miss what she was leaving.
And then I'd end up wanting to switch her again next August!
THAT seems stupid, and cruel.
But waiting until August to get Atticus into a better situation seems depressing, too. I know I had talked myself into it, but now that I'm all riled up again, it's depressing again. I do feel like Jeannie and Sheila are a little better than maybe they first seemed, but not by much. And they have this other girl in there in the mornings, Brittany, and she's okay. And Jeannie is always the one with Atticus when I go in, and she's very affectionate and loving towards him. I don't think I have ever seen Sheila with Atticus. Maybe it got back to Jeannie through her daughter who works with me that I didn't care for Sheila.
But when I'm there, particularly at lunch time, I see other babies in the bouncy seats, just staring blankly. I don't know why they don't give the babies toys to play with when they put them in the bouncers, but they don't. Sometimes Jeannie and Sheila seem annoyed by a couple of babies in particular when they cry. Maybe they cry a lot? But these are always the babies in the bouncy seats. Yeah, he's crying, because he wants you to pay attention to him, which is your job. Sorry that's so annoying! Is that my child when I'm not here? They know what time I come every day, and they can see the parking lot from their window, so they know when I've arrived.
I have a system for trying to get Atticus minutes of attention that, in my mind, he might not otherwise get. When I arrive in the morning, I try not to put him in a bouncy seat. If I do, I find him a toy. If I can, I might put him on the play mat so he can play with a dangling toy. But I've been putting him an exersaucer if I can. He likes playing in those, but not for very long, so I figure he'll be happy for a few minutes, and then he'll demand to be moved. Then maybe someone will play with him for a minute. That also sounds really convoluted, but what's worse is that I feel like I have to come up with little schemes to make sure my kid's not being ignored.
I don't want it to sound like it's serious neglect at this place. It's not. It's just... not the best. Not what I want for my baby! He IS happy, though. I don't think his behavior indicates he's not having his emotional needs met.
I'm not convinced CN wouldn't have me tearing my hair out over the exact same things in a few months, but they do appear to have a good start in having a room with lots of toys and not a lot of places you can strap in a baby and forget about it. It's Penelope's situation that's at issue, and the idea of switching her twice in a year. Particularly given that the current day care is already her THIRD day care.
I also feel like I'm maybe a little bit crazy when I write this business all out. Seriously, am I crazy? I am putting a LOT of thought into this. Maybe it's too much.
At times like these, I miss my mom. I feel like her input would be uniquely helpful in that she would love my children (almost) as much as I do, and she always wanted us in the best places possible, too. I switched schools a number of times, actually. I wish she were here to tell me about that and to talk these issues over. I think she would know where I am coming from and maybe be able to give me some insight as someone who has been there, done that.
Then one of my old friends from high school, Sarah, started working in my office, and she needed a place to send her baby. She knew how I felt about our situation, but I told her, "Hey, my shitty day care has openings. I don't 'recommend' them, but at least I know them." So she came by for a tour.
Then she visited this other place, CN, which I had ruled out for myself. I ruled it out because I toured it a couple of years ago when we first moved here, and it seemed rather corporate and sterile to me. I felt like it was more of a business and feared it might not be very loving. I didn't remember it very clearly, but that was my basic feeling. Plus, CN is right on a busy road, and the playground faces a Walgreens parking lot, divided only by a chain link fence, so any weirdo going to pick up his antipsychotics can get a good eyeful. Also, I read two complaints by parents on message boards. The place is part of a chain of day cares, and this is one of maybe five in our area. Some of the other locations had complaints, too. Bare minimum, this place isn't known around town as being one of the better day cares, so in my mind, it's no better than where I am now, and there's no point in moving if it's not to somewhere better.
But when Sarah visited, she said it was a lot nicer than my current baby school. So I decided to visit again.
It was a lot nicer! At least for the babies. The baby room is divided into two areas, one for play, and one for cribs, changing, and feeding. There are no swings or bouncers on the play side, which is a shoe-free area with lots of toys. There are two bouncers on the other side, but they told me they would use those to put babies in if they were feeding older babies at the table. There does not appear to be this chronic problem of sticking babies in bouncers or swings and leaving them there to stare at the wall as long as they aren't crying, which is what they do at my baby school (not all the time, but enough that I see it happening in the morning when I drop Atticus off, mid-day when I come to feed him at lunch, and at night when I come to pick him up). At CN, the teacher was on the floor, playing with the two babies who were there that day. They can take up to 8, but for some reason they have only 3 enrolled at this time, and only 2 were present that day.
The toddler room was also nicer. Again, TONS of toys, and this really cool indoor playhouse with a slide and stuff to climb. There was one teacher and... six toddlers? I think that's the limit. The teacher wasn't interacting with them that heavily, but she was sitting on the floor or down at their level and talking to whoever was around her.
At my baby school, I walk through the toddler room to get to the baby room. In the morning--and I've noticed this since way back when Penelope first started, and it bothered me even then--the teachers chit-chat with each other and ignore the kids. There's this one teacher, T, the primary teacher, who always wears this expression that seems just incredibly dour, like she's Peter from Office Space, and every day you see her is the worst day of her life. Sometimes at nap time, she's sitting on the floor and patting someones back, but that's the extent of the interaction I ever see there. The rest of the time, she might be serving lunch wordlessly, or browsing a Chinese take-out menu, or working on a lesson plan. The toddler room always has one or two kids who are crying, often the same one or two. Crying but not being consoled. They do have plenty of toys; I should acknowledge that. And unlike the babies, the toddlers can get to the toys themselves and don't have to rely on someone remember or caring to hand one to them.
On my tour of CN, I didn't get a good look at the 2s room. I did hear some crying in there, but it didn't last.
The 3s room, where Penelope would be if we switched, was pretty decent. The teacher, Ms. D, was very energetic and enthusiastic. I have no trouble believing Penelope would like her. I did't think the room was as big or had as much cool stuff to do as at our current 3s room, though. However, they told me that they never watch TV. Many afternoons at our current place, Penelope's group is watching a movie when I come to pick her up, and they watch educational videos during the day pretty regularly. I kind of feel like my kid watches more than enough TV, and if anyone should be using TV as a babysitter, it's me at home, not the day care where I pay good money NOT to have my kid watching TV.
Anyway, Ms. D's class at CN was doing centers when I took the tour, and Ms. D was cleaning up and preparing for whatever was to come next, so she wasn't really interacting. But she showed me these portfolios they make for the kids starting when they first begin as babies and following them along as long as they are there. The portfolios are filled with pictures and notes about their activities. She showed me some of her curriculum stuff (it's the same curriculum they use at the current baby school). A little girl arrived and was unhappy to see her mom go, and Ms. D ran over and gave her a hug and took her to the water table, which cheered her up instantly. Ms. D had lots of good stuff to show me and lots of good answers to my questions. When I passed back through her room on the way out, she was reading a book to all the kids, who were sitting nicely in a circle with her.
The material they gave me was very professional-looking since it all came from this childcare corporation. The tour was very professional, to a fault, in fact. The tour guide, who is the assistant director, definitely had her talking points. In fact, when I called to ask if they had openings and to schedule the tour, the person on the phone had talking points: "Why, yes, we do have openings in our baby room. We are on the FDA food program, and we feed our infants Similac" and blah blah blah. The current baby school will answer your questions if you ask them, but they don't really have information to volunteer. And they are professional, but pretty bare-bones.
More pros for CN: I discovered that another lady in my office, Melanie, just started her son at CN in the 2s room, and she has been pleased with her first week. And Melanie sits next to J, who is my coworker whose mother works in Atticus's baby room at our current day care. Sarah also talked to these two women about CN, and J told her that she would never send her own children to my current baby school, even though her mother works there. She said that her mother complains all the time about how terrible the directors are, and the one time J went there, the place just seemed dirty (? I've never noticed it to be dirty, really). So that's another con for current baby school.
Two cons for CN: a friend of a friend used to work there, and while she said she loved all the people she worked with, there was one lady who was German and, thus, had a gruff-sounding voice (so said the friend-of-a-friend) and came across as kind of harsh, and then she actually had yelled at some kids in the 3s room, so she was moved to the baby room. And indeed the woman working in the baby room when I went had a German accent, so I guess it's the same person. She did not yell at anyone and seemed plenty loving. She did tell one baby not to steal toys from another baby. It was rather... direct. Also, yet another friend from way back has her son there, and while SHE also loves it, she told me that her son is a "handful" because he is dealing with issues from his birth mom and foster care. It's great that they are working with her, but that means this handful kid with birth mom and foster care issues is in the class where P would be.
Those cons are pretty convoluted, I admit.
Bottom line: the tour was pretty nice. If I only had Atticus to think about, I'd probably switch tomorrow. But I still don't feel convinced I will want to stay there forever. I'm not sure why. I guess because this place really doesn't have a great reputation. I kind of feel like even if I move my kids to this place, I'll still want to move them to one of the others, the "good" ones, if and when a spot is available, because trying to get in has been so difficult. I'll feel too much pressure not to accept an opening, because if we switch to CN, and something goes wrong down the line, I'll want to kick myself again for letting a better place get away.
Here's the other thing. Penelope is really thriving right now. I don't think switching her right this second is the right thing to do for her. She is the one who will know what is going on and will remember it. She loves her teacher and loves her friends. She's happy in the morning to be going to her class and even says so. Just in the last couple of weeks, she has started acknowledging even the ancillary people at the school, saying goodbye to them and calling them by name on our way out. She incorporates her classmates into her play time at home, acting out little scenes that go the way they do things at preschool. She's learning letters and songs; she amazes me every week with new stuff she knows. And, yeah, I'm sure she'd continue learning at CN, but I'm afraid transitioning could be hard on her. She's done well in the past... but now she's got a better memory for people and routines. It's not that she wouldn't do well at CN, but she would miss what she was leaving.
And then I'd end up wanting to switch her again next August!
THAT seems stupid, and cruel.
But waiting until August to get Atticus into a better situation seems depressing, too. I know I had talked myself into it, but now that I'm all riled up again, it's depressing again. I do feel like Jeannie and Sheila are a little better than maybe they first seemed, but not by much. And they have this other girl in there in the mornings, Brittany, and she's okay. And Jeannie is always the one with Atticus when I go in, and she's very affectionate and loving towards him. I don't think I have ever seen Sheila with Atticus. Maybe it got back to Jeannie through her daughter who works with me that I didn't care for Sheila.
But when I'm there, particularly at lunch time, I see other babies in the bouncy seats, just staring blankly. I don't know why they don't give the babies toys to play with when they put them in the bouncers, but they don't. Sometimes Jeannie and Sheila seem annoyed by a couple of babies in particular when they cry. Maybe they cry a lot? But these are always the babies in the bouncy seats. Yeah, he's crying, because he wants you to pay attention to him, which is your job. Sorry that's so annoying! Is that my child when I'm not here? They know what time I come every day, and they can see the parking lot from their window, so they know when I've arrived.
I have a system for trying to get Atticus minutes of attention that, in my mind, he might not otherwise get. When I arrive in the morning, I try not to put him in a bouncy seat. If I do, I find him a toy. If I can, I might put him on the play mat so he can play with a dangling toy. But I've been putting him an exersaucer if I can. He likes playing in those, but not for very long, so I figure he'll be happy for a few minutes, and then he'll demand to be moved. Then maybe someone will play with him for a minute. That also sounds really convoluted, but what's worse is that I feel like I have to come up with little schemes to make sure my kid's not being ignored.
I don't want it to sound like it's serious neglect at this place. It's not. It's just... not the best. Not what I want for my baby! He IS happy, though. I don't think his behavior indicates he's not having his emotional needs met.
I'm not convinced CN wouldn't have me tearing my hair out over the exact same things in a few months, but they do appear to have a good start in having a room with lots of toys and not a lot of places you can strap in a baby and forget about it. It's Penelope's situation that's at issue, and the idea of switching her twice in a year. Particularly given that the current day care is already her THIRD day care.
I also feel like I'm maybe a little bit crazy when I write this business all out. Seriously, am I crazy? I am putting a LOT of thought into this. Maybe it's too much.
At times like these, I miss my mom. I feel like her input would be uniquely helpful in that she would love my children (almost) as much as I do, and she always wanted us in the best places possible, too. I switched schools a number of times, actually. I wish she were here to tell me about that and to talk these issues over. I think she would know where I am coming from and maybe be able to give me some insight as someone who has been there, done that.