I've fallen into the same trap again
The trap of waiting. Of thinking that all I have to do is wait and things will get better. That until that indeterminate point, all I can do is sit and try to distract myself.
I don't want to do that. Life is potentially amazing. It IS amazing and continues to be whether I choose to participate or not.
Yes, I need to make some new friends. I don't feel like getting into what happened with the old ones. I'm looking to move forward not back. I'm not going to do that by sitting in my bedroom playing video games. I should probably interact with my housemates more.
I want to explore Harrisburg. I've lived here off and on for almost a year. I know next to nothing about it.
The various things I want to do... they individually don't matter. Or they do but I'm not going to get any deeper into them. The point is, I'm choosing to experience life instead of hiding from it. Maybe I'll make some friends that way. Maybe I won't.
I want to wake up in the morning looking forward to my days. I want to go to work and actually do my job and enjoy a feeling of doing work.
I want to not want. I want to do. I want to experience my life and not as some sort of experiment to be later analyzed. I want to live for the sake of being in that moment. I want to be enthralled by things that serve no purpose, yet aren't there as a means of avoiding my life.
I've never wanted to be a saint. I always thought I had to be all anti-establishment and contrary and sort of evil. I don't care. Or more, I don't want to try to fit into these categories. I don't want to do things a certain way because that's how other people wouldn't. I want to do things because I want to do them like that.
I may go to Florida to see my mom for Christmas. A year ago, I never would have. You know what? I don't care. I don't want to protest. I want to have a mother who at least pretends to care about me. I want Christmas presents and trees, and going to church on Christmas Eve and baking cookies. I want to EXPERIENCE christmas.
I don't want to make this into a checklist of things I have to do. I'm allowed to skip items. I'm allowed to say in retrospect, this doesn't seem enjoyable so I'll find something I'll enjoy more.
I don't want to be intellectually superior. I don't want to know things for the sake of knowing them so I'm the girl that knows more than most people. I want to learn French just because Montreal looks amazing and I want to go sometime. And possibly get operated on there.
The main idea here though is that I'd like to start experiencing my own life instead of bearing it like a cross.
I don't want to do that. Life is potentially amazing. It IS amazing and continues to be whether I choose to participate or not.
Yes, I need to make some new friends. I don't feel like getting into what happened with the old ones. I'm looking to move forward not back. I'm not going to do that by sitting in my bedroom playing video games. I should probably interact with my housemates more.
I want to explore Harrisburg. I've lived here off and on for almost a year. I know next to nothing about it.
The various things I want to do... they individually don't matter. Or they do but I'm not going to get any deeper into them. The point is, I'm choosing to experience life instead of hiding from it. Maybe I'll make some friends that way. Maybe I won't.
I want to wake up in the morning looking forward to my days. I want to go to work and actually do my job and enjoy a feeling of doing work.
I want to not want. I want to do. I want to experience my life and not as some sort of experiment to be later analyzed. I want to live for the sake of being in that moment. I want to be enthralled by things that serve no purpose, yet aren't there as a means of avoiding my life.
I've never wanted to be a saint. I always thought I had to be all anti-establishment and contrary and sort of evil. I don't care. Or more, I don't want to try to fit into these categories. I don't want to do things a certain way because that's how other people wouldn't. I want to do things because I want to do them like that.
I may go to Florida to see my mom for Christmas. A year ago, I never would have. You know what? I don't care. I don't want to protest. I want to have a mother who at least pretends to care about me. I want Christmas presents and trees, and going to church on Christmas Eve and baking cookies. I want to EXPERIENCE christmas.
I don't want to make this into a checklist of things I have to do. I'm allowed to skip items. I'm allowed to say in retrospect, this doesn't seem enjoyable so I'll find something I'll enjoy more.
I don't want to be intellectually superior. I don't want to know things for the sake of knowing them so I'm the girl that knows more than most people. I want to learn French just because Montreal looks amazing and I want to go sometime. And possibly get operated on there.
The main idea here though is that I'd like to start experiencing my own life instead of bearing it like a cross.