Apparently you can't inject social skills
So... I introduced Natalie and Dre. So it was Dre, her boyfriend Dave, Natalie, and I. We ended up seeing Be Kind Rewind which Natalie wanted to see but Dre and Dave kind of wanted to see Charlie Barlett. Well... the movie ended up being pretty bad. Or more accurately, Dre and Dave thought it was really bad. I thought it was mildly amusing but I also didn't expect it to be a masterpiece. So here's the problem. I don't know what Natalie thought. Dre and Dave were laughing about how bad it was... which is fine, except that Natalie is the one who selected the movie. I tried to call her and she didn't pick up, and she didn't answer my IMs so I'm assuming she's upset with me. I made a joke about "are you sure you're a film student?" so I don't know if she's upset about that. I don't know if that's what she's upset about but I was just teasing her. It's not like she made the movie and even if it WAS a bad movie, it's not the end of the world that she chose it. I've seen far worse movies. I don't know if she's upset because she feels that I sided against her. For me, watching a movie is the sort of thing that's so inconsequential that I don't feel like it's even worth having a side on.
So I hate this. I feel fucking stupid for not knowing why or if she's mad at me. For all I know, she was just tired and I'm being a drama queen. But I'm assuming she IS mad or at least upset with me. When I was pretending to be a boy, I used to not know why somebody, particularly Katie, was mad at me, but I just didn't care that much. Now I'm a trainwreck because I think I hurt Natalie's feelings. I don't even know if it's narcissism and I just want people to love me all the time and them being upset with me interrupts that. I'd like to think I'm better then that now. It's such a pain the ass that I don't know what or who she's upset at. Most likely, it's just a big misunderstanding. Obviously (to me), nobody meant to hurt her feelings. Regardless, she's presumably upset, and I'm assuming it's with me as that she wasn't talking to me as of last nite.
I feel horrible. I spent enough of my life hurting people that I want to not do it anymore. Apparently, injecting estrogen into my ass every other week can help me develop friendships... it just doesn't give me the ability to keep them happy. Obviously I know it's more an issue of transitioning and learning to live with myself as opposed to the chemicals I'm pumping into my body. Still... I've inherited the desire to keep the people I care about happy, just not the ability to do so. I hate feeling like I've been a total bitch and stupid for not even knowing what I've done to deserve it.
So I hate this. I feel fucking stupid for not knowing why or if she's mad at me. For all I know, she was just tired and I'm being a drama queen. But I'm assuming she IS mad or at least upset with me. When I was pretending to be a boy, I used to not know why somebody, particularly Katie, was mad at me, but I just didn't care that much. Now I'm a trainwreck because I think I hurt Natalie's feelings. I don't even know if it's narcissism and I just want people to love me all the time and them being upset with me interrupts that. I'd like to think I'm better then that now. It's such a pain the ass that I don't know what or who she's upset at. Most likely, it's just a big misunderstanding. Obviously (to me), nobody meant to hurt her feelings. Regardless, she's presumably upset, and I'm assuming it's with me as that she wasn't talking to me as of last nite.
I feel horrible. I spent enough of my life hurting people that I want to not do it anymore. Apparently, injecting estrogen into my ass every other week can help me develop friendships... it just doesn't give me the ability to keep them happy. Obviously I know it's more an issue of transitioning and learning to live with myself as opposed to the chemicals I'm pumping into my body. Still... I've inherited the desire to keep the people I care about happy, just not the ability to do so. I hate feeling like I've been a total bitch and stupid for not even knowing what I've done to deserve it.