(no subject)
ok this is a journal, right? therefore I am going to vent and say whatever (nearly whatever) the fuck I want. I might sound really really bitchy, but who cares I'll just get over it tomorrow and be all happy again.
I am failing at life. I've earned a whopping 9 credit hours and I'm a sophomore in college, because I'm fucking stupid. Okay, Macomb is a little better, but I still had to drop one class and am on the verge of failing the other 3. I don't know what I want to do with my life, because no one has answers to the questions I have (so it seems). I want to be a nurse, and perhaps specialize in something... but I don't know what where how or when this happens! If I don't make it into this nursing program I'm testing for in 3 weeks, I might just fucking give up. No more dreams of ever becoming anything I ever wanted to be my whole life. what a waste of life, time, and money...
and my car is fucked up. ever since thanksgiving it has been making this really loud grinding squealing sound in the front left tire. I thought it was the breaks or the caliper, but my mom took it in and they said neither. So what the fuck, my car SOUNDS like a piece of shit driving down the road. I hate it, I have to turn my radio up to keep me sane. I don't have much/any money to fix it because of fucking tuition and christmas. I should have been a cheap-o and just bought things for like 2 people. Now I am practically broke and can't afford anything.
Work sucks too. My manager is constantly bitching at me for taking a day off here and there. Sorry I have a life outside of Olive Garden. The people I work with are not liking me for some reason. I used to get along with everyone and they all used to talk to me. Now I'm lucky if two or three people actually come up to me and talk. I just sit there and watch everyone else laugh and joke about shit... too afraid to join in for fear of rejection. Yeah, rejection... I know they'll 'say' that I'm cool or w/e, but when it comes down to certain things it really makes you wonder how high they really hold you in their mind. I feel like I'm no one's 'buddy' there...
I really feel like I'm no one's best friends either. My mind tends to wander into these deep thoughts. I care too much about how people view me, or if I'll say the wrong thing and get laughed at. Fuck these tears, this really hurts to come out and say these things... it really does. I'm just Jessica, the girl who is just 'there'. I don't get as many texts anymore, hardly any missed calls when I get outta work... it makes me wonder what I've done wrong these past few months to make even my own father hate me.
And then there's Brett. I love him so much, but he is so far away. When he comes back to live in Michigan, what the hell is he going to do? He doesn't really have a plan, and the only reason he's coming back is to be with me. ME. JESSICA. We won't be able to afford moving in together... and these next few months are going to be just plain crazy for him. I'm ready for anything, but I get scared that he's not. No, nevermind... he'll be just fine. I doubt him too much. I take out all my FUCKING anger on him and he still sounds like the happiest man in the world when he talks to me. I can hear it in his voice. Calling me names that every girl dreams of, but why do I bitch at him about my shitty life? He's the only one who listens to me and thinks I'm priceless, so maybe when he tells me that I'm right all of the time, I like it. It's always better to talk to someone who sees both sides, though, to get the best input on a situation. God I love him so much I don't know what I would do if one day he just died or broke up with me cuz he can't put up with my crazy ways anymore. Would I move on? There goes my wandering mind! We've been together for almost a whole year now. I can't believe how fast this past year has went.
Yeah, one year ago. I was single, I had actually just broken up with Jason (old balls with gross red hair) a week or two before Thanksgiving. I had already gone XMas shopping, and I was hanging out with Alexis and her (then) new boyfriend a lot. I think life was good. I liked being single, but hell with Brett living 1000 miles away it feels like I am today, too. Eww that goes onto a different story. Last night. I had subconscience thoughts about cheating on Brett. Yeah, I drank too much and this guy I used to, uh, 'fool around' with was at the party. I haven't cheated on Brett, and this is the very first relationship where I haven't cheated on my man yet. There isn't even a 'yet'... I have no reason to do it. Plus with him living in Florida I'm sure that if I wanted to I would have done it by now. But I haven't. And never want to. I am way too happy with him to break his heart or make this relationship complicated. We are in love, not lust, and this is my first relationship ever that I can say that. We actually KNOW each other, we aren't just 'there'. I would say we're totally compatible, and I hope that since this feeling for him has lasted nearly a year already... it will last forever. I would hate myself forever if I would have let Adam take advantage of me. I'm so proud I can look at my gorgeous ring on my finger and say N-O.
i feel a little better...
*sniff*
-Jessica
I am failing at life. I've earned a whopping 9 credit hours and I'm a sophomore in college, because I'm fucking stupid. Okay, Macomb is a little better, but I still had to drop one class and am on the verge of failing the other 3. I don't know what I want to do with my life, because no one has answers to the questions I have (so it seems). I want to be a nurse, and perhaps specialize in something... but I don't know what where how or when this happens! If I don't make it into this nursing program I'm testing for in 3 weeks, I might just fucking give up. No more dreams of ever becoming anything I ever wanted to be my whole life. what a waste of life, time, and money...
and my car is fucked up. ever since thanksgiving it has been making this really loud grinding squealing sound in the front left tire. I thought it was the breaks or the caliper, but my mom took it in and they said neither. So what the fuck, my car SOUNDS like a piece of shit driving down the road. I hate it, I have to turn my radio up to keep me sane. I don't have much/any money to fix it because of fucking tuition and christmas. I should have been a cheap-o and just bought things for like 2 people. Now I am practically broke and can't afford anything.
Work sucks too. My manager is constantly bitching at me for taking a day off here and there. Sorry I have a life outside of Olive Garden. The people I work with are not liking me for some reason. I used to get along with everyone and they all used to talk to me. Now I'm lucky if two or three people actually come up to me and talk. I just sit there and watch everyone else laugh and joke about shit... too afraid to join in for fear of rejection. Yeah, rejection... I know they'll 'say' that I'm cool or w/e, but when it comes down to certain things it really makes you wonder how high they really hold you in their mind. I feel like I'm no one's 'buddy' there...
I really feel like I'm no one's best friends either. My mind tends to wander into these deep thoughts. I care too much about how people view me, or if I'll say the wrong thing and get laughed at. Fuck these tears, this really hurts to come out and say these things... it really does. I'm just Jessica, the girl who is just 'there'. I don't get as many texts anymore, hardly any missed calls when I get outta work... it makes me wonder what I've done wrong these past few months to make even my own father hate me.
And then there's Brett. I love him so much, but he is so far away. When he comes back to live in Michigan, what the hell is he going to do? He doesn't really have a plan, and the only reason he's coming back is to be with me. ME. JESSICA. We won't be able to afford moving in together... and these next few months are going to be just plain crazy for him. I'm ready for anything, but I get scared that he's not. No, nevermind... he'll be just fine. I doubt him too much. I take out all my FUCKING anger on him and he still sounds like the happiest man in the world when he talks to me. I can hear it in his voice. Calling me names that every girl dreams of, but why do I bitch at him about my shitty life? He's the only one who listens to me and thinks I'm priceless, so maybe when he tells me that I'm right all of the time, I like it. It's always better to talk to someone who sees both sides, though, to get the best input on a situation. God I love him so much I don't know what I would do if one day he just died or broke up with me cuz he can't put up with my crazy ways anymore. Would I move on? There goes my wandering mind! We've been together for almost a whole year now. I can't believe how fast this past year has went.
Yeah, one year ago. I was single, I had actually just broken up with Jason (old balls with gross red hair) a week or two before Thanksgiving. I had already gone XMas shopping, and I was hanging out with Alexis and her (then) new boyfriend a lot. I think life was good. I liked being single, but hell with Brett living 1000 miles away it feels like I am today, too. Eww that goes onto a different story. Last night. I had subconscience thoughts about cheating on Brett. Yeah, I drank too much and this guy I used to, uh, 'fool around' with was at the party. I haven't cheated on Brett, and this is the very first relationship where I haven't cheated on my man yet. There isn't even a 'yet'... I have no reason to do it. Plus with him living in Florida I'm sure that if I wanted to I would have done it by now. But I haven't. And never want to. I am way too happy with him to break his heart or make this relationship complicated. We are in love, not lust, and this is my first relationship ever that I can say that. We actually KNOW each other, we aren't just 'there'. I would say we're totally compatible, and I hope that since this feeling for him has lasted nearly a year already... it will last forever. I would hate myself forever if I would have let Adam take advantage of me. I'm so proud I can look at my gorgeous ring on my finger and say N-O.
i feel a little better...
*sniff*
-Jessica