ahhhhhhh!
i am pretty sure that not many people read this so i feel ok documenting my feelings. i am extremely depressed and upset because i let something from my past come back and hurt me. i know that emotionally speaking i'm not very strong but i feel so defeated and weak because i let this get to me. i wish i could have pushed it it to the back of my mind and pretended it never was there but i couldn't shake it this time. now i have to go see a counselor once every week to try and work this emotional inbalance out. i just wanna scream because this is something i failed at. i failed. i wasn't able to move on, to forget, to pretend it never happened. i don't want you thinking i'm suicidal or anything cause i most definately not its just that something hasn't affected me like this in a long time and it is shaking me to my core. i can't even breathe i'm so consumed with it. i know that it will pass and soon it will be another distant memory that i'd rather forget but until then i'm afraid i feel trapped within the confines of my own scarred mind. sometimes bad things happen to people and they have to find a way to live with that bad thing for the rest of their lives. its not fair. they find ways to "cope". my way is to push it so far back in my mind that i never have to see it again but it didn't work this time and it came back at one of the worst moments and i could have endangered a relationship i cherish because of it. I FREAKIN HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK! why couldn't i just this once survived it. crap i'm wallowing in self pity which i also hate great. so i'm leaving it at that cause i don't want to whine anymore i just want to bury myself away until i can think of something to make this all go away. wish me luck.