A Very Long Ramble About Nothing Interesting, Although Probably Deeply Introspective.
Anyone out there just write out their conscious stream of thought? I've been doing that the last few days. Filling up pages and pages in notebooks. Sitting at work on a break, writing the most random, disconnected string of words. I've been laying in bed for a half hour, writing out disjointed sentences and pieces of stories. When I step back and look at what I've written, I'm seeing patterns develop. I guess most of it is relating to fear of the unknown, namely, fear of death. No, not Fear, really, more like annoyance. Lots of people feel that they have something to accomplish while they live, but that's not really true for me. I think that if I accomplish something, that's great, but it doesn't really matter to me. I just want to live, really. I like the 'looking forward to things' aspect of life, and I know that beyond 2065, there's not much to look forward to. And so back to the "Annoyance" of death. I guess that it annoys me because death is eventually going to put quite a damper on my life. I'm going to spend 80 years growing, living, and experiencing, but in an instant, all that is gone. And no, if I accomplish things along the way, I don't think of that as "Living On". People think that if they contribute to the world, somehow that is going to make them "survive forever". Sure, people might remember you forever, but No, you won't actually be there. If you are still reading, Kudos to you, because this is the rambling of a guy in his underwear at 1:29 AM. I guess I'll invite you to keep reading, but I warn you, this is probably just a bunch of strange words.
And so, I find myself frustrated that I've been given this life, when, in the end, it will all be taken from me. So, in a way, I'm kind of saying: "What's it all worth?". No, don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything, god forbid. I still love life, and will continue to live it in a mostly carefree manner. But, damn, God, what the fuck.
GOD: What a fucking subject, eh?
Do I believe in the deity? Nah, not really. In fact, I don't think I ever have. I've spent countless hours in Synagogues "praying", though. In fact, I've tried my damndest to make myself believe in God, because wouldn't it be nice? To KNOW that when I die, it's not over, it's not done. But no, I've been given no proof of this old fellow with a beard. Not even a weird dream.
I have to wake up in 4 hours, and be at work in 5. I like waking up early, actually, although many of you know that the days are few and far between when I actually do. When I get up early, I get to see the sky go to that really light blue that only happens right when the sun comes up. You know the one - that blue that creeps in through the window when you're at a really late party. The blue that signals the last beer, because how the hell can a party rage once the sun has come up? But when you aren't seeing that blue through an inebriated haze, it's a beautiful thing.
And so, back to my first paragraph - you remember the one - about the "random stream of thought"? Yes, this is my stream of thought. Filtered though it may be, through one or all of my various filters. Filters created during my upbringing by teachers and other adults. The same filters that cause you to be afraid of letting to much of yourself slip out - the fear of letting too much of yourself be shown. I think that it's been my subconscious goal for some time to try and stamp out some of those filters - or at least get them to let through some of the bigger chunks.
I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do with myself in the future. My dad and I had a talk about it yesterday. He thinks that I need to go get myself an education and all that and CHOOSE a career. I know that it's what I probably should do, but then again, I've only got one life here, and I really don't think that with such a limited supply of valuable lifespans, I should be limiting myself to one path. I hate that society demands that from kids. We've all been told since we can remember that we need to learn 1. This, and 2. That, and definatly to not do 1. This, or 2. That. Who the fuck are they to decide what is the right way to live a life? It's mine. Stop fucking trying to control it. What the hell does it have to do with you anyway. No, ANYWAYS. Yes, with an "S". FUCK IT.
yeah, I just went back to the "only a limited amount of time on earth" conversation. Is this a conversation? I guess not. But I'll still call it that. It's amazing to look back at what I've typed and think about how much of it my brain is telling me that I should delete before pressing the "Post" button. I won't do it! no!
If you guys are still reading, you're probably a good friend. And you probably want to know more about me, and so you think that by reading this, you'll be able to read into me. Perhaps you will. But then again, I think that I usually am pretty open with everyone about who I am. At least I try to be.
Damn, I wish I could sleep, but now I've put way too much thought into my head. That's alright, thought is important.
Here's another thing. I'm fucking lonely! (Ok, you girls reading this: don't get all sorry for me - it's not that bad). But lonely in the way that I really don't have anyone to connect to. No one like me nearby to converse with. I go to work, come home, sleep, and go to work again. There's really no one that gives so much of a shit about me to call me just to say hey. If I were to look at my incoming calls on my cell phone, it would say that I've had probably 4 calls in the past 2 weeks. All from Quint. Because I called him first. No, I don't want you all rushing to your phones and calling me. In fact, I was thinking about getting rid of my phone. But I regress. Need some human contact. Not sex, although that would be nice.
perhaps if I dull my mind a bit, I'll get this thinking thing out of my head. What's best for dulling the brain? You guessed it, Television. Late, Late, Late night television.
And so, I find myself frustrated that I've been given this life, when, in the end, it will all be taken from me. So, in a way, I'm kind of saying: "What's it all worth?". No, don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything, god forbid. I still love life, and will continue to live it in a mostly carefree manner. But, damn, God, what the fuck.
GOD: What a fucking subject, eh?
Do I believe in the deity? Nah, not really. In fact, I don't think I ever have. I've spent countless hours in Synagogues "praying", though. In fact, I've tried my damndest to make myself believe in God, because wouldn't it be nice? To KNOW that when I die, it's not over, it's not done. But no, I've been given no proof of this old fellow with a beard. Not even a weird dream.
I have to wake up in 4 hours, and be at work in 5. I like waking up early, actually, although many of you know that the days are few and far between when I actually do. When I get up early, I get to see the sky go to that really light blue that only happens right when the sun comes up. You know the one - that blue that creeps in through the window when you're at a really late party. The blue that signals the last beer, because how the hell can a party rage once the sun has come up? But when you aren't seeing that blue through an inebriated haze, it's a beautiful thing.
And so, back to my first paragraph - you remember the one - about the "random stream of thought"? Yes, this is my stream of thought. Filtered though it may be, through one or all of my various filters. Filters created during my upbringing by teachers and other adults. The same filters that cause you to be afraid of letting to much of yourself slip out - the fear of letting too much of yourself be shown. I think that it's been my subconscious goal for some time to try and stamp out some of those filters - or at least get them to let through some of the bigger chunks.
I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do with myself in the future. My dad and I had a talk about it yesterday. He thinks that I need to go get myself an education and all that and CHOOSE a career. I know that it's what I probably should do, but then again, I've only got one life here, and I really don't think that with such a limited supply of valuable lifespans, I should be limiting myself to one path. I hate that society demands that from kids. We've all been told since we can remember that we need to learn 1. This, and 2. That, and definatly to not do 1. This, or 2. That. Who the fuck are they to decide what is the right way to live a life? It's mine. Stop fucking trying to control it. What the hell does it have to do with you anyway. No, ANYWAYS. Yes, with an "S". FUCK IT.
yeah, I just went back to the "only a limited amount of time on earth" conversation. Is this a conversation? I guess not. But I'll still call it that. It's amazing to look back at what I've typed and think about how much of it my brain is telling me that I should delete before pressing the "Post" button. I won't do it! no!
If you guys are still reading, you're probably a good friend. And you probably want to know more about me, and so you think that by reading this, you'll be able to read into me. Perhaps you will. But then again, I think that I usually am pretty open with everyone about who I am. At least I try to be.
Damn, I wish I could sleep, but now I've put way too much thought into my head. That's alright, thought is important.
Here's another thing. I'm fucking lonely! (Ok, you girls reading this: don't get all sorry for me - it's not that bad). But lonely in the way that I really don't have anyone to connect to. No one like me nearby to converse with. I go to work, come home, sleep, and go to work again. There's really no one that gives so much of a shit about me to call me just to say hey. If I were to look at my incoming calls on my cell phone, it would say that I've had probably 4 calls in the past 2 weeks. All from Quint. Because I called him first. No, I don't want you all rushing to your phones and calling me. In fact, I was thinking about getting rid of my phone. But I regress. Need some human contact. Not sex, although that would be nice.
perhaps if I dull my mind a bit, I'll get this thinking thing out of my head. What's best for dulling the brain? You guessed it, Television. Late, Late, Late night television.