Life is a fucking crazy ass thought
Yeah life is a fucking crazy ass thought brought into our imaginations by the encryptic thoughts of god,why would anyone look up to some one and praise some one for making life so fucking hard, and painful, the pain i suffer if only you knew, the memories that race through my mind, the doubts that i had, the mistakes i make, the walls that gets built by my own fucking insecurities, and mindless wonders that seem to play a part in this twisted mind of reckless human being, yeah its been one of those days can't you tell...went for a drive the other nite, ended up racing and well can't remember what but just knew that the anger i had inside took over and when the car stopped i started breathing again.....i loose chapters of my life that i can't recall but yet there out there for everyone to see, and when some one comes around to ask me about it I am like i don't know what your talking about, and i really don't think that normal is a word or exist at this point...i am far from normal and yet this is only the begging of releasin what i feel to people i don't know, if only you knew the way i write, i write because i have notihing else to do and its my escape and its just better to get it all out on paper or here... I am writing a book its called ( the chapters of my untold truth) still werie about it but atleast it will be all on the table, i have seen so much fucking shit that i will make you crazy or even question your reason's of being here, the pain i feel, is some times un bear able, but i have no one to talk to about it, they all have there own lifes, and i don't like burdening other people with my problems, i listen to them more than i talk, always wanted to be a couselor, but if i can't help my self how the fuck can i help some one else, i am so tired my mind is in overload with the misery that brings me down day by day and my so called sleep life, i am questioning if there is anything as a good sleep, because i don't sleep and i am so tired and i don't want to take anything, cause side effects are a mother fucker and already having a hole in my stomach causing all the pain cause i didn't take care of my self when i should of, but at that time in my life i didn't think i wanted to make it this far, now its too late my conditions has worsend and well the doctors give me about 5 or 7 yrs to live if not sooner, but all doctors say that, they don't know what i go through, they don't know my pain, the misery the depression that comes along with it simply they don't give a fuck there only there to get paid and go home to there so called familys....what about the people who may not have that who would want that, i would love just to have some one who could listen and care for me and just treat me like no other, but no you know what i get people who leave me for the own fucking reasons, saying i look for too much when all i want is some one to talk to, to hold me and help me get through life whats so fucking hard aboutg that huh.........anyways i am getting mad at my self not a good thing but what else do i have to do sit here and not sleep and drive my self insane beyond insane more like a fucking lost little girl who wants to live a just some what normal live, i am tired of all the bull shit the people walking all over me like i am fucking stupid, and thinking that i don't know whats really going on.... when inside i do , i just don't say anything because well i talk real low and no one seems to hear me, and i hate repeating myself and some times i just don't have the strenght to deal with all this none pollitical fucking bullshit that i call life.......I know now that no one will ever understand me, if they did i would be comfortable about what i say or what i do, some times this anger takes over and well the split personality comes out yes, split god didn't want to create to normal people so he took the tourted soul of the ones that got fucked over and the other guiet girl that no one hears or even cares to notice and placed it in me yeah and people wonder why i have a hard times with relationships, mainly i am the way i am cause i have been mislead, betrayed, cheated on, lied to, mentally and physically abused what the fuck do you expect some one to be like i said before if you only knew then maybe you might have a chance of understanding the twisted life i lived and live know..........i know i ain't going to sleep tonight so i am going to take my civic out and race, probably at the seven mile here in chico, chico what a place to live, i only lived here for about 4 months but i lived in magalia for or since 94, weird place let me tell you atleast i know that i am not the only one with issues, you think i would fit in , but i keep my self isolated, and away from others most of the time, its all about the shyness, but oh well life goe's on and well what can you do about it , not much, either live it or end it and i have already been there and thats just leads to loosing all of my sanity or even my soul at one part or time.... i don't fucking know anymore, here i am misery come take me away as usual locke me in that favorite place of the torture's of life that you love so much...........I am glad i can bring amusement to some of you, but anyways another time another day unill then.......................................