Just know that I'll miss you and send postcards
Like I posted last time, I am having weird/mixed emotions about moving to France. Fear of not knowing the language well enough going into it, fear of losing touch with friends/family back here in the States...maybe I already feel that way, a slow drift from old friends. Time, distance, different directions, lack of communication, they are all culprits I know. But add the Atlantic Ocean, another language, and a whole new culture to that...the drift just seems to keep growing.
Anyway, I am thinking of setting up a whole new blog for France, separate from this one, so that friends and family can read it knowing what they're getting themselves into. I read all this stuff on the internet about culture shock lasting six months, and what specifically happens each month. Obviously it varies for everybody, but fuck...I mean...I can definitely see myself in some of the situations. Of course, I know a lot of advice to follow in order to lessen those feelings, which I intend to follow as best I can, but I have this feeling that I am going to want to write down a mixture of frustrations and excitements from my experience there. Probably will have a personal journal, but I figure some people who read this now will be interested in reading that stuff? Whether they comment or not. And there's also that therapeutic nature of writing something knowing other people will read it, even if you don't know who. Anyway, it's coming up in a few weeks and I am definitely having pre-departure jitters. It's just weird to think I will be gone for a year...and then when I get overwhelmed by that, I get really excited...see, I am a mess right now. Whatever, I just need to suck it up and understand that the next...oh...two years of my life will be a fuckin roller coaster...if not more than that. I am excited to travel, to live out of a suitcase, to meet all new people, to live on my own...but then I fear I am not strong enough. What if I am just not strong enough?What if I get there and I just want to give up? What if I am not as independent as I thought I was? What if I need comfort and familiar faces? All those things make me happy, and I feel like I can be most myself. And then. And then! I tell myself, "Jessie, you're twenty. Oh my god, you have the rest of your life to be comfortable. Just go do it. Just fucking do it. Be a fool. Cry a lot. Be frustrated that you can't express yourself in a different language. Just do it now, cause you may not be able to do it later. Just let go of it all and do it."
I guess this was just on my mind. I am in Idaho, and have plenty of time to think, though I should be thinking about my paper that's due on Wednesday, but writer's block is my current disease. I have eaten way too much on this trip, and moved around very little. I just ate a whole bag of Skittles about an hour ago, and now I kinda want to vomit but...well...that's extra movement to get to the bathroom.
Anyway, I am thinking of setting up a whole new blog for France, separate from this one, so that friends and family can read it knowing what they're getting themselves into. I read all this stuff on the internet about culture shock lasting six months, and what specifically happens each month. Obviously it varies for everybody, but fuck...I mean...I can definitely see myself in some of the situations. Of course, I know a lot of advice to follow in order to lessen those feelings, which I intend to follow as best I can, but I have this feeling that I am going to want to write down a mixture of frustrations and excitements from my experience there. Probably will have a personal journal, but I figure some people who read this now will be interested in reading that stuff? Whether they comment or not. And there's also that therapeutic nature of writing something knowing other people will read it, even if you don't know who. Anyway, it's coming up in a few weeks and I am definitely having pre-departure jitters. It's just weird to think I will be gone for a year...and then when I get overwhelmed by that, I get really excited...see, I am a mess right now. Whatever, I just need to suck it up and understand that the next...oh...two years of my life will be a fuckin roller coaster...if not more than that. I am excited to travel, to live out of a suitcase, to meet all new people, to live on my own...but then I fear I am not strong enough. What if I am just not strong enough?What if I get there and I just want to give up? What if I am not as independent as I thought I was? What if I need comfort and familiar faces? All those things make me happy, and I feel like I can be most myself. And then. And then! I tell myself, "Jessie, you're twenty. Oh my god, you have the rest of your life to be comfortable. Just go do it. Just fucking do it. Be a fool. Cry a lot. Be frustrated that you can't express yourself in a different language. Just do it now, cause you may not be able to do it later. Just let go of it all and do it."
I guess this was just on my mind. I am in Idaho, and have plenty of time to think, though I should be thinking about my paper that's due on Wednesday, but writer's block is my current disease. I have eaten way too much on this trip, and moved around very little. I just ate a whole bag of Skittles about an hour ago, and now I kinda want to vomit but...well...that's extra movement to get to the bathroom.