Mixed Feelings
Christmas, blech. That's what I think. I am so not into Christmas this year. It's not going to be the same without my husband. I miss him more than words can explain. On a daily basis (partially due to pregnancy hormones, as well) I go from happy to sad to depressed to pissed off. I'll explain.
I am happy with my life. I have a loving husband that would do ANYTHING for me, even 29034823908 miles away. I know, ironically now more than EVER, that our love is true and we will grow old together. I don't EVER want to be with anyone else. Andy is my other half. He completes me, in the non-cheesiest way. I have a loving family, and although they don't always understand where I'm coming from or understand I'm hurting, they try. I can't expect anyone other than a military s/o to understand where I'm coming from, there is just no situation that can even compare to a deployment. Luckily, thru MIL, I have TONS of great military s/o's that I can talk to every day.
I get sad for obvious reasons. Every morning when I wake up, I have to take about five minutes to process where I am and what I'm doing. You'd think it would get easier, but it really doesn't. After waking up next to this man every day for the past 3 years, I can't get used to waking up alone. Then I get sad for other reasons, as well. Stupid things such as running to the store, renting a movie, going for a pregnancy fix, I have to do all that stuff alone. I basically do everything alone. Which is fine, sometimes, but sometimes I wish I could just turn and look at him. I miss our tickle fights and I even miss when he used to mock me and make fun of me.
I get depressed because although I do love my life, and I know I have met my perfect other half, the fact of the matter is, he's not here with me, and he won't be for another 14 months. Trying to gulp that down every day is hard, and that doesn't get easier, either. I have to face reality, I am going to be a "single" parent. I am going to go through this pregnancy all by myself. He won't hear one heartbeat, see one ultrasound up close, he won't even see the labor and delivery. I know we had bad timing, but honestly, I was told I couldn't get pregnant. We have had unprotected sex for a good three years, and the better part of that three years was off birth control. When a doctor straight up tells you your chances of getting pregnant are between 1 and 3%, you don't hold out much hope, at all. I'm not mad that we got pregnant, by any means. I am overjoyed. I am ECSTATIC. I just feel so alone.
And finally, pissed off. I do get pissed a lot of times. At who? At Andy. I can't believe he did this to me. Why would he sign up for the Army during war time? How could he do this to me and the rest of his family. Of course, I never EVER say this to him, and I am proud of my husband, but a little resentful at the same time. I think it may be another one of those things that only military girls can understand, because although I do resent him sometimes for it, my pride never lessens. My husband is an American Soldier, and I am damn proud of that. I don't support this war, but I do damn well support my husband. He is over there doing his job, and his job is rebuilding. He is helping Iraqi's by rebuilding shelters and homes and roads. Am I proud? More than anyone could ever imagine! Does it piss me off that he chose to do this to us? Sometimes.
Speaking of pride, words can't even begin to explain how proud I am of him. He took his life, which was going no where fast, and turned it around. He's not sure if he's making a career out of the Army, but he did join, he is doing his time, and he is a United States Soldier. He knew he needed to turn his life around, and that is what he did. Hearing him say the Soldiers Creed brings me to tears every single time. I know he is proud of himself and he is proud of what he is doing. Seeing pictures like this one:
Make me so proud. I know, wierd, right? I am proud that my husband can put together an M-249 blindfolded in under 2 minutes. I guess I find different things to be proud of.
I like that picture, A LOT. THis is Andy (left) and his best friend Hoke in Baghdad.
I had a picture of Andy in full battle rattle but he deleted it off his myspace before i had a chance to snag it from him. That's a very interesting picture. About 75 pounds worth of gear in 112 degree weather is not my idea of a good time.
Ok, I think I'm done venting and bragging or whatever it is that I did. I know I feel better.
And, also, I jsut realized I am excited for Christmas. Christmas means I will be six days away from talking to my husband again. They went on a month-long blackout mission. No electricity, water, ANYTHING. This is going to be a LOONNGGG month.
I forgot, I haven't updated about the baby at all since my ultrasounds. I made brownies so I'm going to eat them while I'm hot then I'll update about the babay.
I am happy with my life. I have a loving husband that would do ANYTHING for me, even 29034823908 miles away. I know, ironically now more than EVER, that our love is true and we will grow old together. I don't EVER want to be with anyone else. Andy is my other half. He completes me, in the non-cheesiest way. I have a loving family, and although they don't always understand where I'm coming from or understand I'm hurting, they try. I can't expect anyone other than a military s/o to understand where I'm coming from, there is just no situation that can even compare to a deployment. Luckily, thru MIL, I have TONS of great military s/o's that I can talk to every day.
I get sad for obvious reasons. Every morning when I wake up, I have to take about five minutes to process where I am and what I'm doing. You'd think it would get easier, but it really doesn't. After waking up next to this man every day for the past 3 years, I can't get used to waking up alone. Then I get sad for other reasons, as well. Stupid things such as running to the store, renting a movie, going for a pregnancy fix, I have to do all that stuff alone. I basically do everything alone. Which is fine, sometimes, but sometimes I wish I could just turn and look at him. I miss our tickle fights and I even miss when he used to mock me and make fun of me.
I get depressed because although I do love my life, and I know I have met my perfect other half, the fact of the matter is, he's not here with me, and he won't be for another 14 months. Trying to gulp that down every day is hard, and that doesn't get easier, either. I have to face reality, I am going to be a "single" parent. I am going to go through this pregnancy all by myself. He won't hear one heartbeat, see one ultrasound up close, he won't even see the labor and delivery. I know we had bad timing, but honestly, I was told I couldn't get pregnant. We have had unprotected sex for a good three years, and the better part of that three years was off birth control. When a doctor straight up tells you your chances of getting pregnant are between 1 and 3%, you don't hold out much hope, at all. I'm not mad that we got pregnant, by any means. I am overjoyed. I am ECSTATIC. I just feel so alone.
And finally, pissed off. I do get pissed a lot of times. At who? At Andy. I can't believe he did this to me. Why would he sign up for the Army during war time? How could he do this to me and the rest of his family. Of course, I never EVER say this to him, and I am proud of my husband, but a little resentful at the same time. I think it may be another one of those things that only military girls can understand, because although I do resent him sometimes for it, my pride never lessens. My husband is an American Soldier, and I am damn proud of that. I don't support this war, but I do damn well support my husband. He is over there doing his job, and his job is rebuilding. He is helping Iraqi's by rebuilding shelters and homes and roads. Am I proud? More than anyone could ever imagine! Does it piss me off that he chose to do this to us? Sometimes.
Speaking of pride, words can't even begin to explain how proud I am of him. He took his life, which was going no where fast, and turned it around. He's not sure if he's making a career out of the Army, but he did join, he is doing his time, and he is a United States Soldier. He knew he needed to turn his life around, and that is what he did. Hearing him say the Soldiers Creed brings me to tears every single time. I know he is proud of himself and he is proud of what he is doing. Seeing pictures like this one:
Make me so proud. I know, wierd, right? I am proud that my husband can put together an M-249 blindfolded in under 2 minutes. I guess I find different things to be proud of.
I like that picture, A LOT. THis is Andy (left) and his best friend Hoke in Baghdad.
I had a picture of Andy in full battle rattle but he deleted it off his myspace before i had a chance to snag it from him. That's a very interesting picture. About 75 pounds worth of gear in 112 degree weather is not my idea of a good time.
Ok, I think I'm done venting and bragging or whatever it is that I did. I know I feel better.
And, also, I jsut realized I am excited for Christmas. Christmas means I will be six days away from talking to my husband again. They went on a month-long blackout mission. No electricity, water, ANYTHING. This is going to be a LOONNGGG month.
I forgot, I haven't updated about the baby at all since my ultrasounds. I made brownies so I'm going to eat them while I'm hot then I'll update about the babay.