Updates
So a lot has happened in a week.
Last weekend I went to Jake's house for the first day I had off either job in 3 weeks. I spent Friday with Hayley where I got my haircut and saw the X-Files movie. Then Jake and I saw Dark Knight. Saturday Jake, his sister Jo, Rob, and I went bowling, much to my dismay, and the to Red Lobster. I got to meet my new nephew (Jake's sister's baby Jack). He cries more than any other child in the world.
Anyway, Sunday I had to work at 5 so I had to leave Jake's by 3. But, I was sleeping in Jake's room (parent's rules) when his cell phone rang and woke me up at 8:30 in the morning. It was my mother. I was kind of pissed and was short with her. She was quiet and blurted out, "Mamie (my stepdad's mom) received last rights and you need to come say goodbye." I felt like I had been punched.
"Ok, I have to work, but I'll be there tomorrow." I don't remember walking to where Jake was sleeping. The next thing I know I'm curled against Jake, sobbing. He told me to call work and ask off and go to Mamie. My store manager Scott told me to go see her and he'd find a replacement (my thanks to Bax for taking my shift).
I tried to eat breakfast while Jake's family stared at me. I kept crying. Jake took me back to his room where he held me and I feel asleep. I guess after all that's happened this summer with class, work, Haydon and Sam, and general loneliness I was spent. I felt empty and just exhausted.
I woke up at about 11:30. I took a shower (cried the whole time). I tried to pack and put make up on, but I kept sobbing. I begged Jake to go with me. I've never done this. My grandfather died and no one told me. I've never lost anyone like this. I was also thinking about if this were my Granma or Granpa who helped raise me.
Jake said no. He was actually rude about it saying knowing me and my family that he'd never get back home. He said in a whole year and a half I haven't changed even though I thought I had. It was worse than if he had hit me. I was hurt and angry and just done with men.
I started crying harder than I ever have. He tried to talk to me, but I was close to leaving him and never coming back. He tried to explain. He proceeded to tell me that I've changed a little but not as much as I had thought. But, before you judge him, he said I love you like you are, but I see how it hurts you. You aren't happy.
He was right. I'm not happy. He said that I've been hurt so much that I hide and adapt around people so no one sees me. I showed Haydon who I am and was hurt...just another nail in the coffin. Jake said he wants to help if I want his help. I said yes.
The first step is to see myself as beautiful, whether it be make up or my personality. Apparently, Jake's mom hates me because I wear too much make up and because she thinks I'm just playing games with Jake. But, she has never liked any of his girlfriends and probably would hate anyone he chose.
So, even though Jake has very bad timing, he's going to help me get past this fear I have. I'm afraid of people seeing me as not perfect, as not strong, and different than the person that I've tried to be. So, I'm going to try from now on to be the person I really am. It's not going to be pretty. I'm very stoic and have a hard time letting lose, so...yeah it's going to suck for awhile.
But, I've got some good friends like Tony, Jesse, Rin, Hayley, Haja, Katie, Meredith, Dora, Kaylin, and, of course, Jake who will help me and stand by me. I'm not sure about Haydon or Sam at this point. I doubt I'll see Sam much due to our busy schedules. And, Haydon...well considering we have barely spoken since he left, I don't have any clue. I do admit to some bitterness for reasons better kept to myself, but it's there. I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying.
Oh, before I forget. I went up to Jasper and said goodbye to Mamie. I drove back to Louisville the next day because Mom said it's better than staying there.
Next week can't some soon enough. I'll have 16 days of no work, school, or other bothersome things. Just Jake, Mom, Hannah, and my extended family. And books...lots of books. I need to recover. Thankfully, Rin is taking me shopping tomorrow before I work at the Breaking Dawn opening. Then Saturday off. Sunday 4-close. Monday ARC 9-5 and then TJ. Tuesday to Thursday no clue and home Thursday night. Camping with Jake until Monday plus Holiday World.
I'll post again before I'll be gone, and then school.
Oh, by the way, Mamie has not yet passed, but it's any day now.
Last weekend I went to Jake's house for the first day I had off either job in 3 weeks. I spent Friday with Hayley where I got my haircut and saw the X-Files movie. Then Jake and I saw Dark Knight. Saturday Jake, his sister Jo, Rob, and I went bowling, much to my dismay, and the to Red Lobster. I got to meet my new nephew (Jake's sister's baby Jack). He cries more than any other child in the world.
Anyway, Sunday I had to work at 5 so I had to leave Jake's by 3. But, I was sleeping in Jake's room (parent's rules) when his cell phone rang and woke me up at 8:30 in the morning. It was my mother. I was kind of pissed and was short with her. She was quiet and blurted out, "Mamie (my stepdad's mom) received last rights and you need to come say goodbye." I felt like I had been punched.
"Ok, I have to work, but I'll be there tomorrow." I don't remember walking to where Jake was sleeping. The next thing I know I'm curled against Jake, sobbing. He told me to call work and ask off and go to Mamie. My store manager Scott told me to go see her and he'd find a replacement (my thanks to Bax for taking my shift).
I tried to eat breakfast while Jake's family stared at me. I kept crying. Jake took me back to his room where he held me and I feel asleep. I guess after all that's happened this summer with class, work, Haydon and Sam, and general loneliness I was spent. I felt empty and just exhausted.
I woke up at about 11:30. I took a shower (cried the whole time). I tried to pack and put make up on, but I kept sobbing. I begged Jake to go with me. I've never done this. My grandfather died and no one told me. I've never lost anyone like this. I was also thinking about if this were my Granma or Granpa who helped raise me.
Jake said no. He was actually rude about it saying knowing me and my family that he'd never get back home. He said in a whole year and a half I haven't changed even though I thought I had. It was worse than if he had hit me. I was hurt and angry and just done with men.
I started crying harder than I ever have. He tried to talk to me, but I was close to leaving him and never coming back. He tried to explain. He proceeded to tell me that I've changed a little but not as much as I had thought. But, before you judge him, he said I love you like you are, but I see how it hurts you. You aren't happy.
He was right. I'm not happy. He said that I've been hurt so much that I hide and adapt around people so no one sees me. I showed Haydon who I am and was hurt...just another nail in the coffin. Jake said he wants to help if I want his help. I said yes.
The first step is to see myself as beautiful, whether it be make up or my personality. Apparently, Jake's mom hates me because I wear too much make up and because she thinks I'm just playing games with Jake. But, she has never liked any of his girlfriends and probably would hate anyone he chose.
So, even though Jake has very bad timing, he's going to help me get past this fear I have. I'm afraid of people seeing me as not perfect, as not strong, and different than the person that I've tried to be. So, I'm going to try from now on to be the person I really am. It's not going to be pretty. I'm very stoic and have a hard time letting lose, so...yeah it's going to suck for awhile.
But, I've got some good friends like Tony, Jesse, Rin, Hayley, Haja, Katie, Meredith, Dora, Kaylin, and, of course, Jake who will help me and stand by me. I'm not sure about Haydon or Sam at this point. I doubt I'll see Sam much due to our busy schedules. And, Haydon...well considering we have barely spoken since he left, I don't have any clue. I do admit to some bitterness for reasons better kept to myself, but it's there. I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying.
Oh, before I forget. I went up to Jasper and said goodbye to Mamie. I drove back to Louisville the next day because Mom said it's better than staying there.
Next week can't some soon enough. I'll have 16 days of no work, school, or other bothersome things. Just Jake, Mom, Hannah, and my extended family. And books...lots of books. I need to recover. Thankfully, Rin is taking me shopping tomorrow before I work at the Breaking Dawn opening. Then Saturday off. Sunday 4-close. Monday ARC 9-5 and then TJ. Tuesday to Thursday no clue and home Thursday night. Camping with Jake until Monday plus Holiday World.
I'll post again before I'll be gone, and then school.
Oh, by the way, Mamie has not yet passed, but it's any day now.