Sigh
Well, I know I don't write on here much. I tend to forget to update these kind of things regardless of if they are an actual journal or not. I thought it was high time I did, especially now.
I've discovered a lot about myself lately. A lot. First, that I'm an idiot. Second, I have Nicole Kidman's British accent. Third, I need to stop apologizing. Last, I wish that I could go back in time.
To explain the first is rather long, but I'll summarize. I realized that I had certain feelings for a friend that everyone saw except me. In the process of having these unknown feelings I hurt a good friend. I never did anything on purpose. I never intentionally set out to hurt her or anyone else. But, I did. Everyone else, including the person I have feelings for, is ok and we've worked it out. But, the girl, well, I don't know if she will ever forgive me for it. I know I can't do anything to fix it other than apologize, which I've done. However, I know this guilt will haunt me for a long time, especially when one factors in that the guy likes her and they are sorta kinda together now...yeah twisted right? (My life sucks.) Be assured that nothing has happened between him and me. We have loads of self-control in the matter.
The second one came about when talking to someone and allowing myself to use my accent. I never do that. I'm too damn shy. It slipped, and he smiled and said how good it was. It helps that he's English, too. It made me feel good. It's just another milestone on my road of confidence-building. I have very little confidence in myself. It helped to hear that I can actually speak like those silly Brits when I admire their language so much.
The third branches off of the first. I keep apologizing for my feelings. Everyone keeps saying to stop it. I can't. I feel like whatever I feel is wrong and shouldn't be felt. For example, falling in love with that friend...well, that's wrong, and I should be guilty for it. But why? Why should I be guilty? I can't answer that. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that it isn't my problem loving him. If someone has an issue with it then it's their problem. It only becomes my problem if someone gets hurt by an action of mine, like if I had kissed him. If that had occurred then I would have not only hurt my boyfriend or the girl, but I and the man would be hurt. The I should feel tons of guilt. But, now, I shouldn't. I love him deeply and it'll take a bit to convert it to "friendship love." But, until then as long as I behave then I shouldn't apologize.
The fourth is just randomness really. It'd be great to go back and take more chances to reduce many of my regrets that I now see. But, life is saturated with regrets. *sigh* Life is unpredictable, difficult, and wonderful.
Feel free to comment on this one but please nothing negative. I feel guilty enough thanks.
I've discovered a lot about myself lately. A lot. First, that I'm an idiot. Second, I have Nicole Kidman's British accent. Third, I need to stop apologizing. Last, I wish that I could go back in time.
To explain the first is rather long, but I'll summarize. I realized that I had certain feelings for a friend that everyone saw except me. In the process of having these unknown feelings I hurt a good friend. I never did anything on purpose. I never intentionally set out to hurt her or anyone else. But, I did. Everyone else, including the person I have feelings for, is ok and we've worked it out. But, the girl, well, I don't know if she will ever forgive me for it. I know I can't do anything to fix it other than apologize, which I've done. However, I know this guilt will haunt me for a long time, especially when one factors in that the guy likes her and they are sorta kinda together now...yeah twisted right? (My life sucks.) Be assured that nothing has happened between him and me. We have loads of self-control in the matter.
The second one came about when talking to someone and allowing myself to use my accent. I never do that. I'm too damn shy. It slipped, and he smiled and said how good it was. It helps that he's English, too. It made me feel good. It's just another milestone on my road of confidence-building. I have very little confidence in myself. It helped to hear that I can actually speak like those silly Brits when I admire their language so much.
The third branches off of the first. I keep apologizing for my feelings. Everyone keeps saying to stop it. I can't. I feel like whatever I feel is wrong and shouldn't be felt. For example, falling in love with that friend...well, that's wrong, and I should be guilty for it. But why? Why should I be guilty? I can't answer that. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that it isn't my problem loving him. If someone has an issue with it then it's their problem. It only becomes my problem if someone gets hurt by an action of mine, like if I had kissed him. If that had occurred then I would have not only hurt my boyfriend or the girl, but I and the man would be hurt. The I should feel tons of guilt. But, now, I shouldn't. I love him deeply and it'll take a bit to convert it to "friendship love." But, until then as long as I behave then I shouldn't apologize.
The fourth is just randomness really. It'd be great to go back and take more chances to reduce many of my regrets that I now see. But, life is saturated with regrets. *sigh* Life is unpredictable, difficult, and wonderful.
Feel free to comment on this one but please nothing negative. I feel guilty enough thanks.