Almost 38
Everything feels hopeless, I'm in a no win situation, there's no solutions. So I just exist, I keep going through the motions. Most of the time I'm not even depressed, I just live my solitary life, distracting myself with my new cat Poppy, tiktok, podcasts, and taking any time I can get with ma'am, usually a couple hours a week. That's my entire life. I go to work, I try to go to the gym when my hip injury will allow me, and I just push through. I'm not really living life, I'm just doing the things.
I hurt my hip in August. I've been doing physio, unable to walk at a normal pace for months, the healing process is so unbearably slow. Last Friday I did so great at the gym, was able to walk normal, I felt related that I was mobile. Then I was rushing to an estimate and reinjured myself and I've spent the last week mostly horizontal, barely able to work. Stuck at home, in low but steady constant pain, bored and lonely and sad. I'm so stressed that I won't be able to pay rent. My birthday is in a week and I don't have money to do anything with the people I call friends. I haven't been able to celebrate my birthday in years because of the pandemic. Now I just want to spend some time unmasked with my friends and feel loved. But I can't, and that feels so unfair and unjust. I want to throw a tantrum and just have something for me, you now? I just want people to look at me and know I exist, and care that I was born. That sounds morbid but I just want to be seen, maybe get some hugs.
This year I want to feel strong and healthy in a capable body and have my love reciprocated.
I hurt my hip in August. I've been doing physio, unable to walk at a normal pace for months, the healing process is so unbearably slow. Last Friday I did so great at the gym, was able to walk normal, I felt related that I was mobile. Then I was rushing to an estimate and reinjured myself and I've spent the last week mostly horizontal, barely able to work. Stuck at home, in low but steady constant pain, bored and lonely and sad. I'm so stressed that I won't be able to pay rent. My birthday is in a week and I don't have money to do anything with the people I call friends. I haven't been able to celebrate my birthday in years because of the pandemic. Now I just want to spend some time unmasked with my friends and feel loved. But I can't, and that feels so unfair and unjust. I want to throw a tantrum and just have something for me, you now? I just want people to look at me and know I exist, and care that I was born. That sounds morbid but I just want to be seen, maybe get some hugs.
This year I want to feel strong and healthy in a capable body and have my love reciprocated.