no one reads this...
im not so sure if i care or not. i dont think anyone cares. they say they love me. but i dont know how to believe it. my phone rarely rings. usually its aaron. i cant take a collect call. i dont even think i want to. the only other time it seems to ring is when a bill collector calls. i dont have any freaking money. and so i turn to the only thing that makes me feel. i bleed. no one would ever suspect that i do it to myself. it leaves no marks. im too good at this. of course i dont normally care if it shows. i dont want negative attention, but no one is usually around to see it when it leaves marks. this is why i usually dont care. but the thing is... i have a nurse who comes every other day. so she would see, and be obligated to say something.
im terrified of being happy. i still try to be happy, but the thing is, happiness... maybe ive never experienced it... but when i get to what i think is happiness, it doesnt make me happy at all. it depresses me. i dont understand it. my whole life seems a lie. where do i go from here?
at least im apathetic at the moment about whether i live or die. it doesnt matter to me. id rather not be here. but i dont know how much i want to try again. i keep failing. in spite of the hours of research i put into my attempts... people dont survive the doses ive taken. they just dont. i shouldnt be here. im not supposed to be here. and after where ive been... i dont even want to be here. it makes me so angry that im alive. im not supposed to be here. i dont want to be here. i cant stand it. i dont want to be here. i want to go HOME. all my adult life i have tried to find the answer to what that is. and now that i know that it doesnt exist in life... that its on the other side. im not supposed to be here. i cant be here anymore... but i am stuck.
recklessness.
im terrified of being happy. i still try to be happy, but the thing is, happiness... maybe ive never experienced it... but when i get to what i think is happiness, it doesnt make me happy at all. it depresses me. i dont understand it. my whole life seems a lie. where do i go from here?
at least im apathetic at the moment about whether i live or die. it doesnt matter to me. id rather not be here. but i dont know how much i want to try again. i keep failing. in spite of the hours of research i put into my attempts... people dont survive the doses ive taken. they just dont. i shouldnt be here. im not supposed to be here. and after where ive been... i dont even want to be here. it makes me so angry that im alive. im not supposed to be here. i dont want to be here. i cant stand it. i dont want to be here. i want to go HOME. all my adult life i have tried to find the answer to what that is. and now that i know that it doesnt exist in life... that its on the other side. im not supposed to be here. i cant be here anymore... but i am stuck.
recklessness.