Analytical Speculations
I've come to the conclusion that it is very sad that I've let one guy ruin it for the rest of them in my case. Well, three guys. But that's not the point. They were three guys that I never dated, and really not worth getting so bent out of shape over. The first guy had a hand in creating me. He treated me like shit when he was around, and then disappeared when I was five. I haven't seen him since. Though I've talked to him a few times in the past two or three years, I'm still pretty bitter. I'm notorious for holding grudges, no matter how big or small the crime. And I can't move past it. I don't know why, I just know I can't. He did get some points for not lying to me, however. I thought he was lying to me -- he told me my mother was a stripper, and the first thing that popped into my head was "Oh yeah right." I asked my mother. She denied it. A few months later, guy number three (who I'll be speaking of later) confirmed it without me even asking him. That doesn't mean I don't still hold some form of contempt for him.
Guy number two...if I ever see him again, I'll probably kill him. He was one of Mom's exes. We lived with him for a while, and I'm convinced he was attempting to sexually abuse me. He was "grooming" me for rape. Mom refuses to believe this was true, but my grandmother saw it too. And had he succeeded, I'd have killed him. He was already touching me in inappropriate areas when we "wrestled." I thought I was crazy. Thinking back on it now...not so much. Few believed me when I voiced my concerns. One person did. Mom ruined that at Parent/Teacher Conferences, when she made up some bullshit lie to keep us looking perfect. Never have I felt like I could tell someone when someone else was making me uncomfortable again.
Guy number three was absolutely lovely to me until he had his heart attack. He's quite old, and was like my grandfather for a while. Until he felt me up in his car while dropping me off after I got off work at sixteen years old. It continued until recently. Once I turned eighteen, it got worse. "You're not jail bait anymore," was his response to me demanding he stop. No, sweetie, I'm not jail bait. But if I was sensible, I'd have you in jail for assault. Did I want to cause that kind of scene? No. Do I now? No. He's out of my life, thanks to my Project Manager at school. But he's another example of why I can't trust my mother. I told her about him feeling me up, and instead of doing something about it, she laughed. She hates him now, sure. Now that she knows what was really going on. But when it mattered...she found it funny.
A case of mental/emotional abuse (two, if you count my mother), and two cases of sexual assault. No wonder I'm so goddamn fucked up. No wonder I have so many trust issues. No wonder I'm just trying to find someone I can love, and who loves me back. It doesn't even have to be a lover, or a partner. Just someone that's there.
I apologize now to all of my friends on here who only added me to view my fanfiction or original writing, and are now getting my personal life shoved down your throat. I find this to be more therapeutic than almost everything else I've tried. Talking about things helps me more than people seem to realize.
-sighs- I think I may need to go to an actual therapist. I've been telling my mother that for years. When I get insurance, that's the first thing I'm looking into on my own. Hallelujah for being eighteen. Finally.
Guy number two...if I ever see him again, I'll probably kill him. He was one of Mom's exes. We lived with him for a while, and I'm convinced he was attempting to sexually abuse me. He was "grooming" me for rape. Mom refuses to believe this was true, but my grandmother saw it too. And had he succeeded, I'd have killed him. He was already touching me in inappropriate areas when we "wrestled." I thought I was crazy. Thinking back on it now...not so much. Few believed me when I voiced my concerns. One person did. Mom ruined that at Parent/Teacher Conferences, when she made up some bullshit lie to keep us looking perfect. Never have I felt like I could tell someone when someone else was making me uncomfortable again.
Guy number three was absolutely lovely to me until he had his heart attack. He's quite old, and was like my grandfather for a while. Until he felt me up in his car while dropping me off after I got off work at sixteen years old. It continued until recently. Once I turned eighteen, it got worse. "You're not jail bait anymore," was his response to me demanding he stop. No, sweetie, I'm not jail bait. But if I was sensible, I'd have you in jail for assault. Did I want to cause that kind of scene? No. Do I now? No. He's out of my life, thanks to my Project Manager at school. But he's another example of why I can't trust my mother. I told her about him feeling me up, and instead of doing something about it, she laughed. She hates him now, sure. Now that she knows what was really going on. But when it mattered...she found it funny.
A case of mental/emotional abuse (two, if you count my mother), and two cases of sexual assault. No wonder I'm so goddamn fucked up. No wonder I have so many trust issues. No wonder I'm just trying to find someone I can love, and who loves me back. It doesn't even have to be a lover, or a partner. Just someone that's there.
I apologize now to all of my friends on here who only added me to view my fanfiction or original writing, and are now getting my personal life shoved down your throat. I find this to be more therapeutic than almost everything else I've tried. Talking about things helps me more than people seem to realize.
-sighs- I think I may need to go to an actual therapist. I've been telling my mother that for years. When I get insurance, that's the first thing I'm looking into on my own. Hallelujah for being eighteen. Finally.