**DISCLAIMER**don't read this b/c it's whiny shit
i'm just feeling so off today. i mean, i wanted to come home to get away from Hanover and all the fucking work i've been doing recently, but i miss the girls and having fun without parents around. not that my parents are awful and i hate them, but i just want to do my own thing. like Thursday night, we all got drunk and danced around in our underwear and played twister. i mean, it was silly as hell, but it was so much fun. Molly and Dana and Leslie were dancing all over the place and it was just good. now i'm home and i want to see my friends, but we have to coordinate schedules and decide on who's house to drive to, and it's just wierd. it's not that i don't want to see my friends here in Indy because i do. i've missed Em and Becka and Alex and Robbie and everyone for a long time. i just wish it was easier, like it is at school. because i have GREs to study for AND work at the GAP AND do work for my boss at Hanover. at school, even if i'm really busy, i just leave my room, or wait for someone to pop in, and i'm surrounded by friends in an instant. we eat together, we hang out, and it's just fun. here, i feel like i'm so damned busy that i actually have to schedule in friends. i HATE feeling like i have to do that b/c i shouldn't.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND SO MUCH SHIT TO GET DONE AND NO ONE ELSE IS DOING ANYTHING. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels. how conceited does that sound? god, i'm a fucking nut. that's no surprise though, right?
and i'm getting really frustrated with this whole long distance thing. Jason and i had planned that i was going to see him on Thursday after my last final and then leave Friday night for Indy. well, he had too much shit to do, which wasn't really his fault, and he told me that we'd have to see each other later. well, it's already been 2 and a half weeks. and the last time we saw each other wasn't even 24 hours. we were together from 10pm (i got there and had a huge headache and had to go to bed right away) until 7pm the next day. it was shit. and that was after waiting 3 weeks to see each other. it's just this big fucking joke being played on us. at least that's how i feel. i've dated so many fuck up loser ass holes. guys that don't give two shits about me, and just are not good at all. (not all of them were bad of course, just a lot) and now Jason seems so fucking perfect for me and so nice and wonderful, but he lives far away and he's busy like i am. when he wants to see me, i'm busy and when i want to see him, he's busy. so why the fuck are we even trying to see each other?? i know why i want to see him. i love him. he loves me, that's why he's putting up with this, but it's so annoying. it's just a big joke. after all the shit you've been put through, you now must fall in love with a boy that is too busy to date you and lives far away. i mean, i was looking forward to seeing him on Thursday so bad that when he told me it wouldn't be good for me to come up, i cried. i fucking burst into tears. how fucking pussy is that? he's just a boy and my life is full of school and grad school stuff to think about. i don't have time to cry b/c i can't see a boy. but it physically pains me to think that we're going to be together and then get a let down like that. it just breaks my fucking heart. what have i become???????!!!!!!!!!!
i just love him so much. he brings out the best in me. when i get ugly and evil and the worst person ever, he brings me back to reality and i'm a better person again. he loves me even when i'm ugly and stupid and evil, which is a lot. but for some reason he says i'm beautiful. he sings me songs and he makes me laugh all the time. he calms me down, which is REALLY hard to do when i'm flipping out about something. he's so good with me and he loves me for who i am. no boy has ever loved me for who i am. and here i am, bitching cause i'm going to have to wait until Christmas day to see him. at least i have him in my life. i'm just a greedy fucking bastard. i'm being a whiny, stupid, evil, ugly little girl right now and i just need to go to bed and forget this whole night. last night i didn't have to think about it because i was drunk and having a skivvies party, but now i'm alone. my parents are here, but they work all the time during the week, and they aren't the same as friends or Jason. i just wish i had my own place to wallow in. then i wouldn't have to worry about my parents seeing me and asking, "what's wrong?" "NOTHING! I'M JUST WALLOWING! LEAVE ME ALONE!" people need to just get all ugly sometimes. it reminds us how we're not perfect in anyway and how we think we have it bad when we really don't. and how we're scum b/c we think we have it bad but don't and how we're whiny, evil little shits sometimes. ugh. i need to go to bed. this is all shit. i'm shit. fuck this, i'm going to bed.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO AND SO MUCH SHIT TO GET DONE AND NO ONE ELSE IS DOING ANYTHING. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels. how conceited does that sound? god, i'm a fucking nut. that's no surprise though, right?
and i'm getting really frustrated with this whole long distance thing. Jason and i had planned that i was going to see him on Thursday after my last final and then leave Friday night for Indy. well, he had too much shit to do, which wasn't really his fault, and he told me that we'd have to see each other later. well, it's already been 2 and a half weeks. and the last time we saw each other wasn't even 24 hours. we were together from 10pm (i got there and had a huge headache and had to go to bed right away) until 7pm the next day. it was shit. and that was after waiting 3 weeks to see each other. it's just this big fucking joke being played on us. at least that's how i feel. i've dated so many fuck up loser ass holes. guys that don't give two shits about me, and just are not good at all. (not all of them were bad of course, just a lot) and now Jason seems so fucking perfect for me and so nice and wonderful, but he lives far away and he's busy like i am. when he wants to see me, i'm busy and when i want to see him, he's busy. so why the fuck are we even trying to see each other?? i know why i want to see him. i love him. he loves me, that's why he's putting up with this, but it's so annoying. it's just a big joke. after all the shit you've been put through, you now must fall in love with a boy that is too busy to date you and lives far away. i mean, i was looking forward to seeing him on Thursday so bad that when he told me it wouldn't be good for me to come up, i cried. i fucking burst into tears. how fucking pussy is that? he's just a boy and my life is full of school and grad school stuff to think about. i don't have time to cry b/c i can't see a boy. but it physically pains me to think that we're going to be together and then get a let down like that. it just breaks my fucking heart. what have i become???????!!!!!!!!!!
i just love him so much. he brings out the best in me. when i get ugly and evil and the worst person ever, he brings me back to reality and i'm a better person again. he loves me even when i'm ugly and stupid and evil, which is a lot. but for some reason he says i'm beautiful. he sings me songs and he makes me laugh all the time. he calms me down, which is REALLY hard to do when i'm flipping out about something. he's so good with me and he loves me for who i am. no boy has ever loved me for who i am. and here i am, bitching cause i'm going to have to wait until Christmas day to see him. at least i have him in my life. i'm just a greedy fucking bastard. i'm being a whiny, stupid, evil, ugly little girl right now and i just need to go to bed and forget this whole night. last night i didn't have to think about it because i was drunk and having a skivvies party, but now i'm alone. my parents are here, but they work all the time during the week, and they aren't the same as friends or Jason. i just wish i had my own place to wallow in. then i wouldn't have to worry about my parents seeing me and asking, "what's wrong?" "NOTHING! I'M JUST WALLOWING! LEAVE ME ALONE!" people need to just get all ugly sometimes. it reminds us how we're not perfect in anyway and how we think we have it bad when we really don't. and how we're scum b/c we think we have it bad but don't and how we're whiny, evil little shits sometimes. ugh. i need to go to bed. this is all shit. i'm shit. fuck this, i'm going to bed.