Just Breathe
Just Breathe
Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
It was common knowledge; something that differed humans from every other creature in this world. Everyone had to die in the very end, some sooner, some later than others.
Horatio had never failed to acknowledge this fact. He had embraced it; had embraced it every morning after waking up, fully aware of the fact that because of his line of duty, he rather belonged to the first group of people. Nevertheless, something or someone had always been watching over him and the ones around him; had wrapped its protective wings around him and kept him safe.
So why was he sitting here right now?
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none
Yes he’d been a lucky man, even though after all he’d been through in his past, calling himself lucky had always sounded weird to himself. Losing members of his family - first his mother and then his brother - should have distraught him; it should have made him wary about developing any kind of feelings towards other people since the risk of losing again was huge, but then again he’d known from the beginning that fate never worked out in his favour.
But was having friends such a bad thing?
No, it wasn’t and he knew he could call himself fortunate to have such friends; to have a team, which always had his back just like he had theirs. The team wasn’t an overly big one, but then again quantity didn’t matter when it came to matters of the heart. It didn’t matter when it came to trust, respect and love.
He loved every member of his team, because they were his family in the end.
So yes, he could call himself a lucky man, especially when a new character had entered his life.
She’d come out of nowhere, like a sunbeam which had been hiding behind thick clouds.
She’d turned his world upside down, so fast that he’d felt his head spinning. And she’d done that with so much charm that every one of Horatio’s refusals of opening himself to her had been crushed in their early stages.
He’d never felt so light headed before; he’d never felt so good because of that either.
Stay with me...
She had to.
She was the other part of his soul; he knew that.
She’d been the one he’d unconsciously been searching for his whole life.
She’d made him feel complete.
Let's just breathe...
It sounded so easy, but he himself struggled with his own command.
How could one breathe when their whole body was clenched with fear and despair?
How could one breathe when it felt like it could be the very last time to take a breath? Maybe holding his breath was giving him more time before the inevitable happened - acknowledging the fact that it was only one of two who still breathed.
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
He’d committed a lot of sins, probably more than he could ever count. Some lay heavier on his shoulders than others, but in the end he had to atone for all of them.
He had never let them rule his life completely though and her arrival had been one of the reasons for that.
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
Because her arrival and her never ending support had made him realize that he, the so-called guardian angel of Miami, was just human after all; with flaws and imperfectness.
He was anything but an angel and he loved her for that.
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe
He’d never been someone who had enjoyed hurting other people, not even when it came to his greatest enemies. He was a gentle soul which was both his strength and weakness.
Others had hurt him countless times, on purpose and accidentally. He’d been hurt enough to know that he would never enjoy it.
And yet he was hurting again; for himself and most of all for her.
He was hurting for them.
Stay with me
You're all I see...
She was all he’d ever wanted.
He had compared every woman in his life with her; even years before he’d met her in person. None of the women had passed his insuperable tests; none but her. She had easily weaselled into his heart, had conquered it and sternly refused to give it back to him.
Not that he had wanted her to do that anyway.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Had he? Had he told her that?
He’d never been a man of many words and when it came to actions, he was even worse. He knew about this particular flaw, yet he couldn’t change it.
He’d told her that he loved her, but had this been enough? Had she known that she was everything he needed? Everything that he’d ever wanted?
Did she know that?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
It was typical that one realized their mistakes when it was too late.
It was, in a way, the story of his life.
As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
He still wondered why she’d fallen in love with him. He was just a normal man with a normal life. There was nothing extraordinary about him and yet she’d chosen him and his love for unknown reasons.
She’d been perfect for him; so imperfectly perfect.
Maybe it had been the same for her when it came to him.
She’d always been stubborn in the end and not listened to the warnings of others when it came to him. It was a good thing that he’d never thought about challenging this particular stubbornness.
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
She’d given him so much; more than he could and would ever ask for. She would have walked to the end of the world and back just for him without thinking twice.
He would have done the same.
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...
She’d taken in every harsh word of him at the beginning of their journey; the time when he’d still refused to let his walls down. She’d taken it with joy, knowing that the more he fought against her, the easier the walls would crumple up in the end.
Of course she’d been right about that.
She’d always been right when it came to him.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...
He missed her presence, her wonderful laugh.
He missed her lips pressing against his, missed the warmth radiating from her body when he woke up in the morning or in the middle of the night.
He missed her insight into his wounded soul; he missed her soothing words.
He missed her gentle hands running over his body, the way she was reading him right then without words, without eyes but only with her touch.
He missed her.
And he knew he always would.
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...
He’d always thought that he was the first one to go, but fate has had other plans for them. Now it was his turn to accept that and live their dreams to their fullest.
She would have wanted that, he knew. But knowing and doing were two different types of things.
Then again, he’d never declined a challenge. So why should he start now? Not to forget that she’d have his head once they met again.
Yes, this sounded like her.
With a gentle smile, he let his hand brush over the small stone in front of him and stood up.
“I love you,” he whispered and took a deep, cleansing breath. They would meet again, of that he was sure and until then he’d make her proud and show her that her faith in him had never been misplaced.
With this promise he turned around and slowly walked away, with every step, the weight on his shoulders lessened; with every step he accepted the hurt in his heart and let it out with every breath he took.
He would breathe for the two of them and he would do it with joy.
Taking a breath had never felt so easy after she’d been gone.
And in the end, a breath was just a breath after all.
The End