Hey Guys
I just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be posting all my personal stuff here, since Chrychaesa is going to be eaten by school postings.
I'm depressed, it feels, I'm confused, I'm not happy, and it's all coming down to the process of breaking up, or being broken up. I'm experiencing a not-healthy kind of sad, so I'm probably going to go talk to somebody about it. I'm kind of scared about that, because usually my friends or family... people I know and trust have been able to bring me around. Then again, I haven't been this sad since Danny, so maybe it's high time I went to a professional and learned how to take care of myself the right way.
It's really hard to be optimistic right now... especially since I have no idea why I'm sad, why I can't function and go to school.
I feel thus:
Empty. I shouldn't be crying because I feel so empty, but it seems there's an an aqueduct somewhere in my body that's sprung a leak, because I can't seem to stop, really.
Full. There are so many feelings that I wade through daily. Sadness, fear, anger, sadness, sadness, confusion, lostness, exhaustion. Sometimes I don't think about it. When I'm doing other things I'm really happy. But then I come home, and somehow things manage to catch up with me.
Sad. I'm sad that Corey's moving on. I'm sad that I can't trust in what he believes. I'm sad that I'm not paying enough attention to myself, sad that I can't figure out how to function. I'm sad that things had to be this way, I'm sad that I can't really remember how to be happy. I'm sad I can't move on. I'm sad that I can't reach out to people, I'm sad I don't want people.
I'm afraid I'm broken. I no longer want another person, sexually or emotionally. Everything in my life doesn't really feel important, or they don't seem to fit together. I'm frightened of new things, but I can't go back to the old things because they're much too painful. And I have this strange complexity too. I haven't quite been able to let go. I'm still protective and jealous.
I found out a so-called "friend," started pinging Corey online, and wanted to come up here to stay with him for awhile the minute she heard I had broken up with him. I'm pissed off, extremely resentful as well, but there's a strange backseat emotion that says... it's not up to you anymore. And I have no idea of where to place this girl emotionally either. It's like I want to run back to Corey to keep this from happening.
But even then, if I go back to Corey, I lose all pride for myself: I don't think I'd be happy. He seems to realize this. But then I get sad because I don't remember what happy is, or if it'll ever happen to me again. And I'm frightened of being with another person, even as an eventuality because they might put me through the same thing I'm going through with Corey, and what I've been through with Danny. I used to have so much love to give to a person. Whatever happened to that? Why don't I have that anymore? I'm just a body now, without a soul to power it. So, I need to fall in love with this emptiness?
Hell, I don't even feel like everything with Corey is DONE. He still wants to talk to me. He still wants to see me. And I lack the courage to say 'no' because I don't want that to stop, and because I don't want to let go. It's also because I feel guilty somehow. He'll be sad that I don't want to talk to him. Although, he has said that he'll be okay. But if I stop talking to him, that just confirms that this is really over and I have such a hard time coming to grips with that. I really wanted to be friends. Why can't that ever happen?
It DOES. Why can't it ever be an immediate thing? How can we make it work to the degree that I'm comfortable with?
I should just disappear. But if I do that, he'll keep moving. (He already is and I guess I'm just being dragged along somehow because I don't have the courage to let go.) I don't want to be forgotten, or left behind. So, it's all back to the complexity of breaking up/broken up, and how I just don't have the tools to deal with it, and I want guidance, and I don't want guidance, and I want it all to be over, and I want us to be friends, and I want to be happy again, and I want to love somebody again, and I don't want to be afraid of doing that anymore.
I'll be talking to a councelor soon. Maybe that'll help. Anyway, support would be great.
I'm depressed, it feels, I'm confused, I'm not happy, and it's all coming down to the process of breaking up, or being broken up. I'm experiencing a not-healthy kind of sad, so I'm probably going to go talk to somebody about it. I'm kind of scared about that, because usually my friends or family... people I know and trust have been able to bring me around. Then again, I haven't been this sad since Danny, so maybe it's high time I went to a professional and learned how to take care of myself the right way.
It's really hard to be optimistic right now... especially since I have no idea why I'm sad, why I can't function and go to school.
I feel thus:
Empty. I shouldn't be crying because I feel so empty, but it seems there's an an aqueduct somewhere in my body that's sprung a leak, because I can't seem to stop, really.
Full. There are so many feelings that I wade through daily. Sadness, fear, anger, sadness, sadness, confusion, lostness, exhaustion. Sometimes I don't think about it. When I'm doing other things I'm really happy. But then I come home, and somehow things manage to catch up with me.
Sad. I'm sad that Corey's moving on. I'm sad that I can't trust in what he believes. I'm sad that I'm not paying enough attention to myself, sad that I can't figure out how to function. I'm sad that things had to be this way, I'm sad that I can't really remember how to be happy. I'm sad I can't move on. I'm sad that I can't reach out to people, I'm sad I don't want people.
I'm afraid I'm broken. I no longer want another person, sexually or emotionally. Everything in my life doesn't really feel important, or they don't seem to fit together. I'm frightened of new things, but I can't go back to the old things because they're much too painful. And I have this strange complexity too. I haven't quite been able to let go. I'm still protective and jealous.
I found out a so-called "friend," started pinging Corey online, and wanted to come up here to stay with him for awhile the minute she heard I had broken up with him. I'm pissed off, extremely resentful as well, but there's a strange backseat emotion that says... it's not up to you anymore. And I have no idea of where to place this girl emotionally either. It's like I want to run back to Corey to keep this from happening.
But even then, if I go back to Corey, I lose all pride for myself: I don't think I'd be happy. He seems to realize this. But then I get sad because I don't remember what happy is, or if it'll ever happen to me again. And I'm frightened of being with another person, even as an eventuality because they might put me through the same thing I'm going through with Corey, and what I've been through with Danny. I used to have so much love to give to a person. Whatever happened to that? Why don't I have that anymore? I'm just a body now, without a soul to power it. So, I need to fall in love with this emptiness?
Hell, I don't even feel like everything with Corey is DONE. He still wants to talk to me. He still wants to see me. And I lack the courage to say 'no' because I don't want that to stop, and because I don't want to let go. It's also because I feel guilty somehow. He'll be sad that I don't want to talk to him. Although, he has said that he'll be okay. But if I stop talking to him, that just confirms that this is really over and I have such a hard time coming to grips with that. I really wanted to be friends. Why can't that ever happen?
It DOES. Why can't it ever be an immediate thing? How can we make it work to the degree that I'm comfortable with?
I should just disappear. But if I do that, he'll keep moving. (He already is and I guess I'm just being dragged along somehow because I don't have the courage to let go.) I don't want to be forgotten, or left behind. So, it's all back to the complexity of breaking up/broken up, and how I just don't have the tools to deal with it, and I want guidance, and I don't want guidance, and I want it all to be over, and I want us to be friends, and I want to be happy again, and I want to love somebody again, and I don't want to be afraid of doing that anymore.
I'll be talking to a councelor soon. Maybe that'll help. Anyway, support would be great.