Nov 20, 2006 00:26
im just gonna fuck the whole love thing, because its not all thats its cracked up to be it only hurts... when i think of him and talk about him i about cry or i do... i ache to be with him.. i want to feel him near me.. it hurts so much... i cant take it anymore... but it hurts more to wanna give up.. ive cut myself a couple times this week a couple for feeling the way i feel... i just get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and i cant stand it.. so i just cut... the worst ive ever cut was the other night when mom jumped all over me i hung up on ellis and just got the blade out and in one swift slice well it was three but blood just come rushing out.. i sorta panicked ok no sorta i freaked i didnt think it was gonna quit..i talked to ellis about how i felt and why i done it and i really cant explain it.. i love it.. sick and twisted but i love it its an obsession... i got pissed today at mom and dad and told ellis i just wanted to slit my wrist he was like no your not i guess in a way like he said i want someone to stop me... even though i know i wont i guess... i just need someone so bad.. and my parents i cant talk to them none of my family.. all of them would put me in a instituion.. and i couldnt deal with that.. shew i got in a mess today ive been doing my report im so panicking over it.. i got so down and stressed i cut i dunno maybe ellis is right im heading in that direction "manic depressive" whats gonna happen when i cut to deep and need stitches??? i mean if i cut any deeper that what i am now i will end up in the hospital.. shew i dunno i mean my way of expressing pain is either gonna wind me up in a nut house or a hospital... maybe ill be lucky and neiter... well i talked to sandy about ellis she wouldnt tell me anything just that he did care for me.. and something was holding him back.. just what hurts is he tells me he doesnt know or have an idea and when she told me he sorta knew and it wasnt good or bad but its something we probably wont get over.. that tells me hes not telling me something an he knows were not gonna be together.. no wonder hes not trying... maybe i shouldnt anymore not after that... and as for dustin naw im not even gonna try with that its not fair to either of us... but i do care for him and wouldnt have mind dating him... but knowing where my heart is it wouldnt be fair... *sighs* its snowing and well i dont wanna go to school tomorrow... shew i truly dont ... im in pain right now i dunno if its my back or kidney.. sometimes i really wish i would slip up and slice to deep cause my life the emotional and physical pains i go through just isnt worth it anymore...