Finally ready to make a post

[jesfromipanema]

I've been reading and keeping up with all of you, I just haven't felt much like writing. Sorry it's been so long- it's been a really hard month (6 months/year). My father died 3 weeks ago. We were not expecting it at all. I mean, we knew he was sick and I think we all figured that this was going to kill him, but had no idea it was going to happen so fast. He's been in and out of the hospital since September- he would just get to the point where he felt so sick he couldn't eat anything, and then a couple days would go by and he wouldn't get better and he'd have to go back in the hospital again. At one point, he went to a rehab facility for a few weeks because he had gotten a staph infection from the hospital and it nearly killed him. He was in ICU, then a regular room, then rehab to get back on his feet. He couldn't even walk, he was so weak. But he got better after that- it was so discouraging because he would get better and feel pretty decent, then down again he'd go. It was so up and down. On Sunday Nov. 12th, he wasn't eating again and was having shortness of breath so my mom called an ambulance. He was in the emergency room until about midnight I guess, and then they brought him to a regular room. While he was in the ER, the doctor that was covering my dad's doctor's patients came in and introduced himself- he was maybe 30, totally cocky little fucker. He asked my dad if he was having any pain  in his abdomen and started pressing on it as my dad said no, then he pressed somewhere that was sore, and he winced pretty hard. I was like,"Oh I guess that was a yes!" And my dad sort of chuckled and was like,"Well, nobody's pressed that hard before." And the doctor was like,"Sir, if you think that's hard, nobody's ever pressed on your stomach before." I was like FUCK YOU, I wish I had said something. He was such a little prick. So I guess later on he came back in- my dad was on the bedpan on the other side of the curtain, and he like jumped up on the counter near my mom and was like,"I was just looking at his test results, and I don't know why Dr. McBrine is even bothering to do chemo- the cancer is all over his abdomen. I mean, it's really not going to do anything at this point." My mom was fucking speechless. Then he was like,"Well, my shift is over, bye" and about 20 minutes later, came back by and hollered in, "Flagile? Why he is on flagile?" And my mom was like,"He got a UTI last time he was in here." And he was like,"Oh." And left. What a little piece of shit. My mom left around 2 and I didn't talk to her until the next day. I worked until 3, then went to the mall and dicked around instead of going to visit my dad (I am kicking myself pretty hard for this) and as I'm on my way home, I get a call from my mom- she was sobbing and she was like,"He just died." I couldn't fucking believe it. I am still furious with myself for not going there. I know I couldn't have known, I just wish I had gone. It happened really fast- she got there and there were like 3 nurses around his bed, and they were like,"You should get on the side of the bed, we don't think he has too long." So she did, and he looked at her while she was talking to him, holding his hand, and she thinks he was trying to say something but couldn't, and he died in 10 minutes. Fluid gathered around his heart and they couldn't stop it. When I got to the hospital, she was sitting in the room with him with the curtains pulled- there was another patient in the fucking room on the other side of the curtain!!!! I was so pissed. I mean, I guess it would have been weird to move him to a private room? I dunno? I thought it was really fuckign strange though. My sister Jenn showed up awhile later- we sat with him for a couple of hours. It's still completely surreal to me. The wake was on Thursday, the funeral Friday. 240 people came to the wake- I was shocked. People that he worked with from NY even came to the funeral. He was really well-liked, apparently. It's  been a very strange couple of weeks. My mom is having a really hard time. She hates being alone. Going home to an empty house is really tough. I try to go over there as much as I can at night- during the day she's okay, it's really at night when she gets the most upset. For me, I'll be doing okay for awhile, then all of a sudden it just hits me. My friend Chris' father passed last summer, and he said the first holidays are the hardest. The first EVERYTHING is the hardest. I hope Christmas goes okay. I know Christmas morning is going to be really hard. I had a dream about him the other night, right before I woke up. I dreamt I was at the mall with Mike and Emily, and we were looking in some store on the second floor, and the second floor looked out to a parking lot. I saw a van pull up, and my dad got out, and we all knew he was dead, but it wasn't weird to be seeing him. Then I was at my parents' house, and he was there, eating soup at the dining room table, watching tv, and we were chatting about nonsense, and I said to him,"Dad, I don't want you to leave again." And he was like,"I have to." And I was like,"I know... what's it like?" (meaning dying) and he said,"I'm not going to tell you" and then I woke up. It was so strange. It was really good to see him, but also I was a wreck for the rest of the day.

We are finally all moved in to Providence. I love our apartment. I just wish I had more time to get it situated. There's still a lot of stuff to put away. The animals have taken the move well. I'm just glad to be closer to Mom and everything.

I hope all of you are doing well. Jade, that baby is one handsome little man.