long overdue
I know, I know, I always do this. I never update consistently. Well, here's the newest in a long list of "I haven't written in forever"s.
So, life has been sucking ass in many ways.
Not only does my sister have cancer, but my brother and father do too. And they will all have it for the rest of their lives. And there's no telling how long that will be. My father basically has the same thing as my sister; his prostate cancer spread to his bones undetected for a few months, so he will incur treatments every month like my sister. He gets a shot to stop the production of testosterone (since that's what the cancer feeds on) every 3 months I think? His white blood cell count is very very high and the doctors can't seem to figure out why/how to stop it. He's had two pints of blood and some platelets already to try to up his red cells, but it's not really working. He feels great lately, but I think it's mostly due to the fact that he's on a steroid to stop the pain in his back and limbs. My sister has been having some back issues and her leg has been swelling. My brother has intestinal tumors that my sister-in-law said were not cancerous, but we just found out that they are. There's no surefire treatment for the type of tumors/disease that it is, so he's trying a lot of experimental drugs. He had part of his colon removed last year, and has been on drugs since, but they came back. THe drug he's on now shrinks them, but it gives him blisters on the soles of his feet and his hair is turning white. It's really sad and confusing and meehhhhhh. I have so many emotions about it and get so overwhelmed. Sometimes I have really hard days and I can't stop crying. I ended up having to withdraw from my classes because I couldn't finish them- it's just been too much. I feel like such a failure and a fuckup. Therapy has been helping, somewhat. But now I feel like issues that we were trying to deal with have gone to the backburner in light of all this. It's really overwhelming.
Plus I still don't work enough. I "tried out" or "hung out" as they call it at Julian's a few weeks ago; they didn't explain to me in the beginning about their hiring process, so after I worked 2 shifts, I called to get my schedule and this kid Brian that I have been going through for shifts and hiring and whatnot wasn't there, so I was really paranoid I was on a schedule I didn't know about or something. He called me back a few days later (he was away) and told me that what they do is have a few different people try out over a few weeks and then hire someone at the end. It's basically like cheerleading tryouts, which blows, but what can you do? I really want the job. He said if I didn't hear from him by this past Wednesday to give him a call because he probably got sidetracked; I called and left a message Thursday because he didn't call me. He called back yesterday when I was in Stop and Shop and sounded a bit different than usual on the message he left (my phone was in the car)- he sounded almost stern or upset. I dunno. He said,"Hey Jes, it's Brian, I need you to give me a call back at Julian's....." I tend to read too much into.. oh.. EVERYTHING, so I was trying to like pick apart his message like,"Does he need me to call because he wants to hire me, or does he need me to call so he can tell me to stop calling and I didn't get the job?" So anyway I called back, and a girl answered and was like,"Oh he said he'll call you back in 2 minutes" and he never called me back. So. I don't know whether to call or wait? Maybe I should just myspace him, haha. That would be totally weird of me. "Hey, it's Jes, I hunted you down on myspace, do I have a job, or no?" Mehhhhhhhhhhh I have been a freaking basketcase lately. I just can't seem to hold it together.
Okay, now for some happier stuff. My hairstylist wants to take pictures of my hair for his portfolio! I may have mentioned this before in my Las Vegas post. Maybe submit to some hair magazines?? WHo knows!? So I am going on Monday and he's going to redye it (FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and blow it out and do my makeup and take pictures. I'm pretty fucking stoked about it. The salon is closed on Mondays, so we'll have the place to ourselves. I'm meeting him at 10. Joy.
Friday, Mike and I drove up to the Brimfield Antiques Show. It was pouring. POURING. But I wanted to go for the hell of it- even if I found one cool thing, I'd be happy. It was pretty dead I guess, compared to how it usually is. I got some cute stuff- I'll post pics later. I got some cute 50s fabric for $15, a little white box purse for $10, some jewelry for $19 collectively, and Michael bought me a dogwood flower clip-on earring and pin set I loved. It was worth it just to go and see it. I can't wait to go back. Actually, I can't wait to go back when we buy a house with a big moving truck and some serious moneys. That will be SO much fun. Someday. God knows when the hell that will be.
Tonight was really nice. I worked this morning at Newbury from 10-3, then went to my parents' house and took a lil nap, then my sisters Jenn and Jill came over and me and them and my mom went out to dinner at The Pearl in Providence. It was great. The atmosphere was really nice and swanky, and tje food was good. I had the best cappucino EVER- it was almond. Mmmmmm. I have recently discovered the beauty of espresso. I always assumed it would make me even shakier than coffee, but then I found out from a friend who worked at a coffee shop that a cappucino or latte has less caffeine than a coffee. I've been getting mochasand lattes lately, and they simply make me cheery. It's really weird. And AWESOME. I get one every time I go to work now. I'm a whole lot nicer to people.
I ate like shit earlier today. I went to Panera before work and got a caramel latte, everything bagel with veggie cream cheese, and a cinnamon bun for later. Then bagel ended up being too potent with that cream cheese on it- it tasted weird. So I just ate the cinnamon bun. Then I got a take 5 candy bar, and then at my parents' house I had a vanilla frosted doughnut and a little piece of chocolate cake!! FATTY!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I napped and woke up with the most mucousy mouth ever. At dinner, I drank an entire bottle of sparking water myself, and had a spinach, walnut, goat cheese salad with a yummy creamy mandarin dressing on it, then ricotta tortellini with roasted veggies in a tomato pesto cream sauce, and snickers pie and that cappucino for dessert. Fatty fatty fat fat. Gross. I need to start exercisin pronto. My sister Jill looked amazing today- SO SLIM! She and Jenn are totally slim, and me and Wendy are pear-shaped. Well, I have boobs too, but she doesn't. I am flying down to visit her Memorial Day weekend- I can't wait! We're going to have such a blast. I'm leaving early Saturday morning, then coming back Monday night. I'll have 3 whole days there, pretty much. Then in July my whole family (per usual) is going to Cape Cod. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm having a real hard time at work lately because I feel like all I want to do is spend time with my family.
I'm going to go read, I think. If I don't fall asleep first. xoxoxoxo
So, life has been sucking ass in many ways.
Not only does my sister have cancer, but my brother and father do too. And they will all have it for the rest of their lives. And there's no telling how long that will be. My father basically has the same thing as my sister; his prostate cancer spread to his bones undetected for a few months, so he will incur treatments every month like my sister. He gets a shot to stop the production of testosterone (since that's what the cancer feeds on) every 3 months I think? His white blood cell count is very very high and the doctors can't seem to figure out why/how to stop it. He's had two pints of blood and some platelets already to try to up his red cells, but it's not really working. He feels great lately, but I think it's mostly due to the fact that he's on a steroid to stop the pain in his back and limbs. My sister has been having some back issues and her leg has been swelling. My brother has intestinal tumors that my sister-in-law said were not cancerous, but we just found out that they are. There's no surefire treatment for the type of tumors/disease that it is, so he's trying a lot of experimental drugs. He had part of his colon removed last year, and has been on drugs since, but they came back. THe drug he's on now shrinks them, but it gives him blisters on the soles of his feet and his hair is turning white. It's really sad and confusing and meehhhhhh. I have so many emotions about it and get so overwhelmed. Sometimes I have really hard days and I can't stop crying. I ended up having to withdraw from my classes because I couldn't finish them- it's just been too much. I feel like such a failure and a fuckup. Therapy has been helping, somewhat. But now I feel like issues that we were trying to deal with have gone to the backburner in light of all this. It's really overwhelming.
Plus I still don't work enough. I "tried out" or "hung out" as they call it at Julian's a few weeks ago; they didn't explain to me in the beginning about their hiring process, so after I worked 2 shifts, I called to get my schedule and this kid Brian that I have been going through for shifts and hiring and whatnot wasn't there, so I was really paranoid I was on a schedule I didn't know about or something. He called me back a few days later (he was away) and told me that what they do is have a few different people try out over a few weeks and then hire someone at the end. It's basically like cheerleading tryouts, which blows, but what can you do? I really want the job. He said if I didn't hear from him by this past Wednesday to give him a call because he probably got sidetracked; I called and left a message Thursday because he didn't call me. He called back yesterday when I was in Stop and Shop and sounded a bit different than usual on the message he left (my phone was in the car)- he sounded almost stern or upset. I dunno. He said,"Hey Jes, it's Brian, I need you to give me a call back at Julian's....." I tend to read too much into.. oh.. EVERYTHING, so I was trying to like pick apart his message like,"Does he need me to call because he wants to hire me, or does he need me to call so he can tell me to stop calling and I didn't get the job?" So anyway I called back, and a girl answered and was like,"Oh he said he'll call you back in 2 minutes" and he never called me back. So. I don't know whether to call or wait? Maybe I should just myspace him, haha. That would be totally weird of me. "Hey, it's Jes, I hunted you down on myspace, do I have a job, or no?" Mehhhhhhhhhhh I have been a freaking basketcase lately. I just can't seem to hold it together.
Okay, now for some happier stuff. My hairstylist wants to take pictures of my hair for his portfolio! I may have mentioned this before in my Las Vegas post. Maybe submit to some hair magazines?? WHo knows!? So I am going on Monday and he's going to redye it (FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and blow it out and do my makeup and take pictures. I'm pretty fucking stoked about it. The salon is closed on Mondays, so we'll have the place to ourselves. I'm meeting him at 10. Joy.
Friday, Mike and I drove up to the Brimfield Antiques Show. It was pouring. POURING. But I wanted to go for the hell of it- even if I found one cool thing, I'd be happy. It was pretty dead I guess, compared to how it usually is. I got some cute stuff- I'll post pics later. I got some cute 50s fabric for $15, a little white box purse for $10, some jewelry for $19 collectively, and Michael bought me a dogwood flower clip-on earring and pin set I loved. It was worth it just to go and see it. I can't wait to go back. Actually, I can't wait to go back when we buy a house with a big moving truck and some serious moneys. That will be SO much fun. Someday. God knows when the hell that will be.
Tonight was really nice. I worked this morning at Newbury from 10-3, then went to my parents' house and took a lil nap, then my sisters Jenn and Jill came over and me and them and my mom went out to dinner at The Pearl in Providence. It was great. The atmosphere was really nice and swanky, and tje food was good. I had the best cappucino EVER- it was almond. Mmmmmm. I have recently discovered the beauty of espresso. I always assumed it would make me even shakier than coffee, but then I found out from a friend who worked at a coffee shop that a cappucino or latte has less caffeine than a coffee. I've been getting mochasand lattes lately, and they simply make me cheery. It's really weird. And AWESOME. I get one every time I go to work now. I'm a whole lot nicer to people.
I ate like shit earlier today. I went to Panera before work and got a caramel latte, everything bagel with veggie cream cheese, and a cinnamon bun for later. Then bagel ended up being too potent with that cream cheese on it- it tasted weird. So I just ate the cinnamon bun. Then I got a take 5 candy bar, and then at my parents' house I had a vanilla frosted doughnut and a little piece of chocolate cake!! FATTY!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I napped and woke up with the most mucousy mouth ever. At dinner, I drank an entire bottle of sparking water myself, and had a spinach, walnut, goat cheese salad with a yummy creamy mandarin dressing on it, then ricotta tortellini with roasted veggies in a tomato pesto cream sauce, and snickers pie and that cappucino for dessert. Fatty fatty fat fat. Gross. I need to start exercisin pronto. My sister Jill looked amazing today- SO SLIM! She and Jenn are totally slim, and me and Wendy are pear-shaped. Well, I have boobs too, but she doesn't. I am flying down to visit her Memorial Day weekend- I can't wait! We're going to have such a blast. I'm leaving early Saturday morning, then coming back Monday night. I'll have 3 whole days there, pretty much. Then in July my whole family (per usual) is going to Cape Cod. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm having a real hard time at work lately because I feel like all I want to do is spend time with my family.
I'm going to go read, I think. If I don't fall asleep first. xoxoxoxo