one step more is one step less
I'm really starting to like the way I look.
and I almost like the person I am.
Go look in the mirror. Tell her you Love her. Now mean it.
I'm getting really close to being able to do that more often than not.
biggest problem...
be who I am with the people from back when I wasn't.
maybe some day I'll let myself learn that.
when I'm alone with me. I know who I am. but when I'm with people, I don't know. I just... I can watch myself do it. I can see it, but I can't stop it. it's this awful automatic compulsion. I throw up this horrific mask. this mask to hide the me. it's like I'm afraid that if I let people know that I'm finally ok. that I'm finally able to be me... at least for a few minutes, a little while, in that moment between wake and sleep. that if I let them know that there's a me, a real me, somewhere underneath that. that if I let them glimpse for just one fraction of a second. I don't know. that maybe I'll lose it. that I'll lose me. but, as these things always go, in the putting up that stupid mask, well... one step forward, two steps back.
one step more is one step less.
but in which direction?
i need to write more. more often. more words. more thoughtfully. more explicitly. just, more.
and I almost like the person I am.
Go look in the mirror. Tell her you Love her. Now mean it.
I'm getting really close to being able to do that more often than not.
biggest problem...
be who I am with the people from back when I wasn't.
maybe some day I'll let myself learn that.
when I'm alone with me. I know who I am. but when I'm with people, I don't know. I just... I can watch myself do it. I can see it, but I can't stop it. it's this awful automatic compulsion. I throw up this horrific mask. this mask to hide the me. it's like I'm afraid that if I let people know that I'm finally ok. that I'm finally able to be me... at least for a few minutes, a little while, in that moment between wake and sleep. that if I let them know that there's a me, a real me, somewhere underneath that. that if I let them glimpse for just one fraction of a second. I don't know. that maybe I'll lose it. that I'll lose me. but, as these things always go, in the putting up that stupid mask, well... one step forward, two steps back.
one step more is one step less.
but in which direction?
i need to write more. more often. more words. more thoughtfully. more explicitly. just, more.