If you bury me, I'll bury you...

[jerzsrfer]

Life has become very strange for me.
Seems things are changing, and i'm not sure exactly what to do about it.
I've become a bit of a hermit.
I just need some time alone.
And i need people to understand it has nothing to do with them at all.
I know what kind of friend i am, and i think i deserve a little slack, based on past performances.
I'm so lost

Comments

[jerzsrfer]

i know you don't understand me, i don't understand myself. I'm sorry I upset you that day, but to be quite honest with you, i didnt even end up at the pool that day, i slept all day. And when i was referring to being a hermit, i just meant that i spend a lot of time alone. I am contradicting myself a bit, but that was the point of the entry, that im lost. Its not just you i'm distancing myself from,ask anyone else and they will all say the same, and its not on purpose, i just need a little time to figure things out. I'm sorry that you felt you couldnt say all these things to me face to face, but as long as we are talking about bottled up emotions, there are some things maybe sometimes i want to say to you, but i fear the derek i know right now will be very defensive about it, it bothers me how sometimes it seems that we can't have a good time unless everyone is fucked up, and it bothered me the night we split the cost for a bottle of vodka, and you drank almost all of it, and when i asked you to please save some, you threw it in my face and got mad, i'm sorry to say this but honestly when you drink like that, to the point where you don't even know what your saying anymore, it hurts me to see, because you know what...i've dealt with that before in my own home, and its a part of my life i'd rather not relive, i worry about it every day. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, thats why im being so hesitant about this, i know for a fact i used to be content with just smoking and drinking and running away from everything, but now, thats just not me. But i will never judge any one of you for it, thats not what this is about. This is simply about the way it affected me when i found out you went on a rampage while you were drunk telling everyone i owe you...because you were helping me with getting my computer fixed. Really...that hurt. I owe you? Since when does friendship have anything with owing eachother? Followed by that i'm told you told everyone i creeped out lisa, which honestly, whether it was said or not, was hurtful and quite embarrassing. I guess maybe i just want you to realize that although you were drunk when you said those things, thats not an excuse, and it doesnt make them hurt any less, your held accountable for your actions whether you are sober or not. So yeah, maybe there were some things i was holding in too, in fear that if i brought them up it would cause a big rukus, and really, after everything, i just want to have a good, drama free summer. But please D, if you do anything for me, don't take this the wrong way, its not meant to be hurtful, its meant to help you understand where i'm coming from. Lets not let the things that have happened over the last two weeks decide what two years of friendship means to either of us, rough patches are just that, they are unavoidable, because people change, people go through things, but true friendship is about continuing to love a changed person. I do love you derek, and i do want to work on it. Thursday i have to go get my phone and then help my mom grocery shop, but lets spend the night chillin just me and you figuring out how sweet my new phone is okay? I promise i won't back out, unless something crazy happens and im sick in bed. Call me.