why
I guess I'm feeling kinda down right now. I miss Nurin so much. I guess i don't understand why it has to be so hard for us. I knew going into this that the distance was gonna be hard at times...but i guess i just see people that take their relationships for granted because they are always able to see eachother...and i feel like they almost dont realize what they have. I realize what i have because I dont always get to have her with me. But i would like to think that even if she was with me i would never take her for granted, because of what she gives me even when we arent together. She is the first person i have ever been with that gives me everything that i give her. I don't feel like im giving and not getting back, and its so nice to have. Finally, i'm at the point where im not scared all the time that its going to end. I know i have no way of telling yet if she is "the one"...because you never know what the future holds...but i do know she is the one for me right now...and thats all that matters. I can see us together right now...but i can also see a future with her...even if im not sure its going to happen. Yeah, it scares me at times...the distance and everything else...sometimes i'm afraid its too much, for her and for me...but then i realize that i cannot imagine life without her...if i pushed her away i would be miserable...i would be lost and i would be everything that i was before her. Thats when i realize for the millionith time, that we can get through it...that i'm worth it to her..and she is sure as hell worth it to me. Even though i'm sad sometimes that she is in Charleston and I am here...i would be absolutely broken if we weren't together at all. Mostly because just a txt from her, or the sound of her voice on the phone can heal me. Its amazing to have that, so why would i give it up just because i get scared and insecure sometimes? I won't. I refuse to let all that stop me from embracing something that is so amazing to have. On another note, being sick sucked, but it meant a lot that she was so worried. I'll admit i was kinda bummed that eveyone didn't come hang out..but i'll get over it. I really don't want to work tonight, but it was really nice of George to be so cool about the whole thing. I'm missing my grandma a lot these past few days...its been really hard because i think it is just now setting in that i can't just call her up and talk to her anymore...christmas is going to be so fucking hard. I still just don't want to face it...i want it to just go away and i know it cant...but im so scared of letting go...i still feel so guilty for not calling more often. I wish i could have talked to her just one more time...i just...i didnt know she was so sick...i didnt know that...i would never get to talk to her again. It scares me because i'm so afraid of losing the people around me..and im not ready to deal with that yet. I have this fear now that someone is going to take away the people i love. I have these bad dreams that i can't seem to shake...that someone is taking everyone away from me. that seems so childish. but its almost every night. anyways. im gonna go lay down. i dont really have anything else to say