from lores_ (formerly veelaoferised)'s journal:

[jerthepedo]

This is a filter. You are on this filter. This means I trust you.

I will feel much better after this has gotten out to you. I want to be
honest with the people I feel are honest with me.

I think it's quite evident why I got a new username. I'd been thinking
about it for quite some time previous to actually doing it. Some of
you may have noticed that I address someone in this journal, someone
who is not on my flist any longer. Someone who believes she stood up
for me when in fact she tore our relationship apart and made a show of
me on livejournal. She concocted a lie that I must reveal to those
closest to me. I don't believe I have it in me to make this public.
I'm not prepared for the comments I'll receive. I don't even know that
I'm prepared for what some of you might say.

I did not attempt suicide.

Let me first off say, before I go on, that I KNOW it sounds sick. I
KNOW. And please believe me when I say I have indeed been down that
road before. I knew, and know, this was no laughing matter. I know the
feelings exactly. But, according to its_couture, it was the only way.

I let my emotions get out of hand. I didn't even think about the
implications. I didn't realize what would result of this. I made a
public post at my old journal which was used as a bashing missile
against me, even to this day. I was fucking angry. I was fucking angry
that some twat was able to say whatever she damn well pleased with a
group of then twenty one girls backing her up. The majority backing
her up out of fear, for fear they'd be the next veelaoferised.

Alaina, its_couture, was worried what would be said about me. I
honestly believed her and took everything she said into consideration.
I mean, tehparadox was a defense. We stood up for each other. She told
me to delete my journal. And I did. I just couldn't take the backlash
anymore. I didn't even care that my lie would hurt others. I was just
so glad to give something back to a few of those girls that hurt me.
And I know I struck a chord. I know. I saw the anonymous memes. I saw
the things that were said. Even recently, at damante's journal, I made
an anonymous comment about my mother having an abortion before she had
me, making me feel out of place in life. And what do you know? The
same girls that attacked me as my username, offered empathetic words
to me. Absolute hypocricy, all because I wasn't signed in. And let me
tell you how hard it was to see my flist's reaction. I wanted so
desperately to undelete my journal and tell everyone I was fucking
alive and none of this had ever happened. But I couldn't. I was under
the watchful eyes of Alaina. I couldn't fuck anything up. She swore us
all to secrecy. One word and we were "fucking over on livejournal". I
can't live this lie anymore. I don't care how Alaina feels. But I feel
guilty. I feel sick and conniving. And I feel like I've played a dirty
trick on everyone.

Then there was the public post at Alaina's journal, The Great Delete,
and the mock icons used by Amy and Rachel. And let's not forget the
anti_veela slogan, "that bitch should have died and left livejournal
foreverz". That fucking hurt alright. Even though I'd never attempted
to kill myself, I was gone from LJ. It seriously might have been real.
And it sure as hell felt like it.

And finally, Alaina's shining moment at tehparadox. She lied about me.
She made me seem like an insecure nutcase who tried to kill herself
over tehelite drama. Yeah, I was pretty fucking mad, but never NEVER
would I bring online shit into my life. Believe it or not, I'm just
fine the next day. What REALLY got me was the fact that NO ONE close
to them ever seemed to have enough balls to tell them they were
fucking wrong to their face. But, I have more to live for than petty
internet drama. LJ is not that much of my life. But I was "gone". I
couldn't defend myself at all. Alaina even suggested we change up the
story and say I hade died and that I never come back. (or if I did, I
would have to lay low and probably stay out of the HP fandom entirely)
I flat out refused. She was not going to control what I did on
LiveJournal. Even so, I honestly felt grateful to her. It seemed like
it worked. The only way for it all to stop was a near death
experience. That's pretty fucking sad when it has to take something
like that to get those fools to shut up.

I came back a lot earlier than Alaina would have liked. And things
really went downhill from there. What I really want to say is I
apologize to everyone. Despite the fact that Alaina masterminded this,
I allowed it to happen. I suppose I was desperate. I knew it was sick.
But I can't keep this hidden any longer. Alaina would never tell
anyone; but I'm not like her. And it's taken the past couple of months
out of tehparadox and being away from her to realize I wasn't myself
around her. And ficklegirl and _lyingawake_, I want to let you both
know how much I love you. I wish some things didn't have to happen;
but, I'll never regret you two.

As for the rest of my flist, if you're disgusted please just cut me. I
won't raise a fuss. Everything will be fine. But before you judge me,
please try to look from my perspective. I know I really went about it
all the wrong way. But things, were fucking ugly on BOTH sides. So
naturally, it just escalated from there. I didn't enjoy a minute of
it. I wanted it all to be over. I got caught up in all of Alaina's
words, which really is unlike me.

Comments will be screened, so please don't hold back. I just have to
get this all out now. And for the love of god, I'm trusting you.
Please keep this to yourself. This is a filter after all, it'd be
pretty fucking obvious if this was shared with anyone.

PIMP THIS ENTRY AND EXPOSE THE EVIL TRUTH THAT IS VEELA AND ALAINA TO ANY NON-BELIEVERS.