2010 Year-ender Report
2010 is my worst year. If it was a quadratic equation, and I would graph it, then it would be a very slim parabola, starting with an amazing uphill then ending with an extremely low slope til reaches the negative y-axis.
It was supposed to be my year according to the Chinese Calendar - The Great Tiger. But I wasn't the Tiger. The tiger ate me and even left me for another tiger, literally and figuratively.
Enough of the metaphors. It was love which complicated everything this year, for me. Love - which I thought I fully understood but I wrong. I didn't know what love is until this year came. And there were three people who helped me write the real definition of this word in my little invisible dictionary. Now, it was like I have a Yahoo! Dictionary Search Page where I have several meanings of this complicated word, all based from my experiences this year.Somehow, this reminds me of my second year English class about the difference between denotation and connotation. Denotation is the literal meaning of the word while connotation refers to the associations that are connected to a certain word or the emotional suggestions related to that word.
So, in denoeument of the year that has been, I will be giving my very own connotations of the word, one for each person whom I will be mentioning indiscretely.
LOVE, as PHILIA, is secured and unconditional. It started April 15, 2008. Pat is a Financial Management graduate from La Salle and is currently studying in Ateneo Law School. To put it simply, we had a lot in common and we loved almost the same things - food, watching random films, taking memory pictures, just walking in the mall, shopping, American Idol, and more pig-outs. We even went to the same gym and almost weekly hope that tita and tito will not be home so I can sleep over. Pat gave me everything including security and unconditional love. Pat made me feel the true sense of being loved. Pat called me hubby and we promised marriage. I thought it would never end because we already promised forever. And this made me really really comfortable and forgot that promises can be broken, too. We got bored with our weekly routine and sleepovers became infrequent. We got over-occupied with our personal life. Pat had a lot of cases to read and I was given several endorsements and projects. Even our vacation breaks did not meet. I felt bored, honestly with the routine. Boredom plus several temptations in the gym equals you-know-what. But I never had number 2 during the relationship and it never became an option despite the boredom and my very very high self-esteem. Pat also found a new circle of online friends. I became really jealous and the green-eyed monster in me thought that this may be the escape rope that I am waiting for. And all the two years just ended with the power question, "Do you still trust me?", which I answered, "I don't trust you anymore." Although it was somehow set and planned, I felt really lonely because of the simple fact that I love Pat more than anything else. Pat was always the number one on my list of priorities which I admit now, that I forgot. Pat was the love that is secured and unconditional. Pat was PHILIA because Pat became the kind of best friend that I would never forget to call even in my death. I was really really sad.
Love is painful yet life-changing. Since I was really really saddened by the fact that I lost Pat, four days after the break-up, Kris and I started the roller coaster relationship which really turned my life upside down. Kris is a Commerce Graduate from UST and is working as a Research Associate in McKinley Hill. Kris is exciting. Kris drives so Kris brought me to places I have never been before. Kris had this youthful aura that is contagious. The relationship really began with a kind of bang that I only hear when the clock strikes 12 at New Year's Day. And that was until Kris invited me to live together. We rented a unit in GA Tower 2 Mandaluyong and it was again a first time. We did grocery to together. We shopped together. We went to bars to drink together. We cooked and washed the dishes together. We watched DVD series together. We slept together. And it was all new to me which made it more exciting. Even financial management or saving up which was very foreign to me before became a word in my dictionary. Although I was at the peak of my physical hotness, I decided to discontinue my gym just to save up for us. I also began to value time especially with Kris so I made sure that I leave work early which was very not Jerson-like. In other words, there were sacrifices and drastic changes when Kris came. Despite all these, Kris' past became a scar in the affair. We talked about it once so I assumed it was already settled. It was settled, but differently from what I wanted. Everything was smooth-sailing until two consecutive special dates came, June 30 first monthsary and my July 1 birthday. Kris never greeted me not until I told him. It was really painful because I know Kris knew. Then, Kris started to have things that Kris didn't have before - Apple IPad, Nikon D-SLR, and expensive clothes. It all came from Kris' ex who was courting Kris again. There was this innate feeling of suspicion but I just simply ignored it. Then, there was the text telling me that Tita will get Kris' car if Kris will not return home. It was really a stab to my heart because it was a very very lame excuse and I knew I wasn't stupid to accept that - pride and all. I cried a lot every night until we finally talked about it after one week. It was decided that even if Kris will be returning home, we will continue the relationship. So, July 13 was the day Kris left the condo right after going to Boracay for three days. July 14, it was raining hard and classes were suspended throughout Metro Manila. i was trying to call Kris but Kris never answered. From 1 to almost a hundred missed calls. Then we finally had this chance to talk in facebook. Kris finally admitted that there was another one. Kris told me that things became complicated and Kris was confused. Then, we decided to meet up one sunday in Katipunan and talk in person about us. Kris got his car and we decided to go to my unit in GA. I really could tell that Kris was prepared and ready for our closure contrary to my plan to get Kris again because I thought Kris was just confused. We parted ways with anger in our hearts because of all the hundred lies and I, left alone, having very very LSEM. Pain, pain, and a lot more pain. I was diagnosed with depression and anemia because I wasn't eating well. I couldn't feel by stomach because I was feeling more the pain in my chest, literally. I was hospitalized for three days. I was extremely angry so I prayed to God harder than before. Love, for me after Kris, meant pain.
LOVE is patient, not just EROS. I needed fast recovery physically and emotionally but it took me months. Until now, it is still difficulty for me to tell myself that I am finally fine - even okay. But still, with all the love that emanates from my family and friends, I am recovering which is a positive note. Then came JPR (apology for hiding the name). JPR is a ex-fling from gym. We are compatible in so many ways but we both feel that we have to wait for the proper time that's why this time, love is patient.
Realizations and Learnings
(1) I still love Pat and if given the most precious second chance, I will never throw that opportunity to waste. I promise to give Pat my all.
(2) "Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people." (Narnia Chronicles, 2010) Maybe I am that extraordinary (positively) to experience a lot of things this 2010. I am just being optimistic.
(3) “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.” (Eat, Pray, and Love, 2010) I need to prioritize things in my life more. I am a planner and very reflective so I know it will be harder but I will try.
(4) Family is the most important for me, now. They inspire me to be better. I love them so much. I have never appreciated my family especially my parents like this before. Like what my super friend Hana said, maybe my family was the divine intervention that helped me through. And I agree.
(5) God is real and ever-present. God is kind, generous, yet subtle.
(6) I need to be less impulsive with my decisions. I need to practice eliminating my emotions in all the practicalities of my life next year.
(7) I should stop being a control freak. Sometimes, it is better to pause, relax, and just let the water flow.
(8) I need to grow and achieve only the best in life because a lot of people is expecting me to.
(9) Be patient.
(10) Life is too short to waste it.
It was supposed to be my year according to the Chinese Calendar - The Great Tiger. But I wasn't the Tiger. The tiger ate me and even left me for another tiger, literally and figuratively.
Enough of the metaphors. It was love which complicated everything this year, for me. Love - which I thought I fully understood but I wrong. I didn't know what love is until this year came. And there were three people who helped me write the real definition of this word in my little invisible dictionary. Now, it was like I have a Yahoo! Dictionary Search Page where I have several meanings of this complicated word, all based from my experiences this year.Somehow, this reminds me of my second year English class about the difference between denotation and connotation. Denotation is the literal meaning of the word while connotation refers to the associations that are connected to a certain word or the emotional suggestions related to that word.
So, in denoeument of the year that has been, I will be giving my very own connotations of the word, one for each person whom I will be mentioning indiscretely.
LOVE, as PHILIA, is secured and unconditional. It started April 15, 2008. Pat is a Financial Management graduate from La Salle and is currently studying in Ateneo Law School. To put it simply, we had a lot in common and we loved almost the same things - food, watching random films, taking memory pictures, just walking in the mall, shopping, American Idol, and more pig-outs. We even went to the same gym and almost weekly hope that tita and tito will not be home so I can sleep over. Pat gave me everything including security and unconditional love. Pat made me feel the true sense of being loved. Pat called me hubby and we promised marriage. I thought it would never end because we already promised forever. And this made me really really comfortable and forgot that promises can be broken, too. We got bored with our weekly routine and sleepovers became infrequent. We got over-occupied with our personal life. Pat had a lot of cases to read and I was given several endorsements and projects. Even our vacation breaks did not meet. I felt bored, honestly with the routine. Boredom plus several temptations in the gym equals you-know-what. But I never had number 2 during the relationship and it never became an option despite the boredom and my very very high self-esteem. Pat also found a new circle of online friends. I became really jealous and the green-eyed monster in me thought that this may be the escape rope that I am waiting for. And all the two years just ended with the power question, "Do you still trust me?", which I answered, "I don't trust you anymore." Although it was somehow set and planned, I felt really lonely because of the simple fact that I love Pat more than anything else. Pat was always the number one on my list of priorities which I admit now, that I forgot. Pat was the love that is secured and unconditional. Pat was PHILIA because Pat became the kind of best friend that I would never forget to call even in my death. I was really really sad.
Love is painful yet life-changing. Since I was really really saddened by the fact that I lost Pat, four days after the break-up, Kris and I started the roller coaster relationship which really turned my life upside down. Kris is a Commerce Graduate from UST and is working as a Research Associate in McKinley Hill. Kris is exciting. Kris drives so Kris brought me to places I have never been before. Kris had this youthful aura that is contagious. The relationship really began with a kind of bang that I only hear when the clock strikes 12 at New Year's Day. And that was until Kris invited me to live together. We rented a unit in GA Tower 2 Mandaluyong and it was again a first time. We did grocery to together. We shopped together. We went to bars to drink together. We cooked and washed the dishes together. We watched DVD series together. We slept together. And it was all new to me which made it more exciting. Even financial management or saving up which was very foreign to me before became a word in my dictionary. Although I was at the peak of my physical hotness, I decided to discontinue my gym just to save up for us. I also began to value time especially with Kris so I made sure that I leave work early which was very not Jerson-like. In other words, there were sacrifices and drastic changes when Kris came. Despite all these, Kris' past became a scar in the affair. We talked about it once so I assumed it was already settled. It was settled, but differently from what I wanted. Everything was smooth-sailing until two consecutive special dates came, June 30 first monthsary and my July 1 birthday. Kris never greeted me not until I told him. It was really painful because I know Kris knew. Then, Kris started to have things that Kris didn't have before - Apple IPad, Nikon D-SLR, and expensive clothes. It all came from Kris' ex who was courting Kris again. There was this innate feeling of suspicion but I just simply ignored it. Then, there was the text telling me that Tita will get Kris' car if Kris will not return home. It was really a stab to my heart because it was a very very lame excuse and I knew I wasn't stupid to accept that - pride and all. I cried a lot every night until we finally talked about it after one week. It was decided that even if Kris will be returning home, we will continue the relationship. So, July 13 was the day Kris left the condo right after going to Boracay for three days. July 14, it was raining hard and classes were suspended throughout Metro Manila. i was trying to call Kris but Kris never answered. From 1 to almost a hundred missed calls. Then we finally had this chance to talk in facebook. Kris finally admitted that there was another one. Kris told me that things became complicated and Kris was confused. Then, we decided to meet up one sunday in Katipunan and talk in person about us. Kris got his car and we decided to go to my unit in GA. I really could tell that Kris was prepared and ready for our closure contrary to my plan to get Kris again because I thought Kris was just confused. We parted ways with anger in our hearts because of all the hundred lies and I, left alone, having very very LSEM. Pain, pain, and a lot more pain. I was diagnosed with depression and anemia because I wasn't eating well. I couldn't feel by stomach because I was feeling more the pain in my chest, literally. I was hospitalized for three days. I was extremely angry so I prayed to God harder than before. Love, for me after Kris, meant pain.
LOVE is patient, not just EROS. I needed fast recovery physically and emotionally but it took me months. Until now, it is still difficulty for me to tell myself that I am finally fine - even okay. But still, with all the love that emanates from my family and friends, I am recovering which is a positive note. Then came JPR (apology for hiding the name). JPR is a ex-fling from gym. We are compatible in so many ways but we both feel that we have to wait for the proper time that's why this time, love is patient.
Realizations and Learnings
(1) I still love Pat and if given the most precious second chance, I will never throw that opportunity to waste. I promise to give Pat my all.
(2) "Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people." (Narnia Chronicles, 2010) Maybe I am that extraordinary (positively) to experience a lot of things this 2010. I am just being optimistic.
(3) “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.” (Eat, Pray, and Love, 2010) I need to prioritize things in my life more. I am a planner and very reflective so I know it will be harder but I will try.
(4) Family is the most important for me, now. They inspire me to be better. I love them so much. I have never appreciated my family especially my parents like this before. Like what my super friend Hana said, maybe my family was the divine intervention that helped me through. And I agree.
(5) God is real and ever-present. God is kind, generous, yet subtle.
(6) I need to be less impulsive with my decisions. I need to practice eliminating my emotions in all the practicalities of my life next year.
(7) I should stop being a control freak. Sometimes, it is better to pause, relax, and just let the water flow.
(8) I need to grow and achieve only the best in life because a lot of people is expecting me to.
(9) Be patient.
(10) Life is too short to waste it.