(no subject)
much love to tara for coming to visit me yesterday. mommy daughter diner run = <3
i'm worried. i've more or less gotten everything i've wanted. i don't have to go back to princeton high, it's summer, i'm going to france in 2 weeks, i have a ton of awesome new friends. but i feel so disconnected. i definately cut a lot of ties and changed a lot when i left school. i don't consider a lot of people who i was "close" with to even be friends anymore. and yeah, it's good to rid yourself of fairweather friends and people you never liked in the first place.
but i'm scared all my nightmares of being alone are coming true.
i'm scared i'm going to fuck everything up again. i've done it so many times before and it's so easy, but i just want to be able to like myself and like people around me. i hate codependance and i feel like i've weaned myself off of it only to discover i'm a shell of myself. yale was amazing, but looking back, i have this feeling that my heart just wasn't in it. my smiles look forced.
and it's not that i miss him, i just miss what we used to have.
i haven't produced anything worth reading in forever. i spent so much time thinking my work was superior to others' and now i sit down with my notebook and pen and nothing happens. and when it does, i want to rip it up so nobody can read it.
i've gotten everything i spent so much time working for, and i'm just wallowing in my own feelings.
maybe when i go to france i'll feel better. maybe when school starts i'll have purpose and reason. but right now i feel like i'm just killing time before something, anything, happens.
i'm a social butterfly with a broken wing. tell me you love me. tell me i am essential to your well-being. make it better. someone just please please please take me away from here.
<3 coco
i'm worried. i've more or less gotten everything i've wanted. i don't have to go back to princeton high, it's summer, i'm going to france in 2 weeks, i have a ton of awesome new friends. but i feel so disconnected. i definately cut a lot of ties and changed a lot when i left school. i don't consider a lot of people who i was "close" with to even be friends anymore. and yeah, it's good to rid yourself of fairweather friends and people you never liked in the first place.
but i'm scared all my nightmares of being alone are coming true.
i'm scared i'm going to fuck everything up again. i've done it so many times before and it's so easy, but i just want to be able to like myself and like people around me. i hate codependance and i feel like i've weaned myself off of it only to discover i'm a shell of myself. yale was amazing, but looking back, i have this feeling that my heart just wasn't in it. my smiles look forced.
and it's not that i miss him, i just miss what we used to have.
i haven't produced anything worth reading in forever. i spent so much time thinking my work was superior to others' and now i sit down with my notebook and pen and nothing happens. and when it does, i want to rip it up so nobody can read it.
i've gotten everything i spent so much time working for, and i'm just wallowing in my own feelings.
maybe when i go to france i'll feel better. maybe when school starts i'll have purpose and reason. but right now i feel like i'm just killing time before something, anything, happens.
i'm a social butterfly with a broken wing. tell me you love me. tell me i am essential to your well-being. make it better. someone just please please please take me away from here.
<3 coco