May 16, 2006 17:27
So I've been laying here for almost a half hour trying to take a nap and I just can't. So I decided to write what was on my mind instead of having it play over and over for the next half hour. All I can think about is Carolina . . . and how much I want to go back. Isn't that funny how things end up in the end? A year ago I was desperate to come home, I would have paid someone a million dollars to fly me to NJ right there on the spot. This year is completely different. For the first time in the world I cried when I left Cola, I just couldn't bring myself to go. I delayed my leaving by almost five days and when the time came yesterday, I still wasn't ready.
This year by far has been my greatest year in college. For the first time I am happy with my academics (for the most part), happy with where I'm living, happy with my job, and best of all happy with my group of my friends. Things really couldn't have gotten any better, actually that's a lie, there's always room for improvement. I was comfortable with the direction my life was going for once. Even with everything going on at home in NJ, I was still overall happy with everything in my life. This year was a wonderful year to bring everything into reality. With what little time I had due to CP, school, and work, plus everything going on at home, I really learned who my true friends were. At the end of the day I didn't want to waste my time bullshitting and "fake pretending" with people who were my so called friends. I hung out with my friends that are important and close to me, the ones that I can turn to no matter what. I love you all and I'm going to miss you so terribly much this summer.
Staring at all my pictures that are hung up around my room at home, it just makes me laugh. I look at the pictures and see a different girl. Snap shots frozen in time. That may have been me and they may have been important moments in my life at one point, but now they're just empty pictures. They have no significance, they represent a differnt girl. What is importnat now can't be found there. I'm going out tonight and printing a huge crop of pictures and surronding myself with the people I'll be missing over the summer. It's not that I'm forgetting my past, or trying to shove it into the closet (literally), I'm just in a different place now than I was then.
I'm living in my sister's old room this summer, seeing as she commandeered my room last summer. In a way I think it will be good. It's a chance to start a new. I'm setting off to make this room mine while I am here, but in reality, it won't ever be. And my old room won't ever be mine either. And I'm okay with that. My home lies in Columbia until I graduate and I'm just taking a little hiatus until August. And after I graduate, who knows, we'll see where the road takes me.
As my dad told me yesterday, everything gets tougher as you begin to settle you're own roots. Where are my roots? My heart tells me columbia right now, but I know come August when its time to head back it may different. Why am I always so conflicted?