hating life
so there goes another shitty week in the life of me
we got second at champs and we didnt get best percussion. ok, this wouldnt be as upsetting if i knew that i had done my best. but my performance was so shitty. people tell me that im being hard on myself, but really, just listen to the tape...i cant believe i messed up on such petty things. i definitely broke down when i heard the scores. but that was alright...cuz i got to see katherine and cathy! w00t! i was like FREAKING OUT when i saw them! i cant wait to see them again (hopefully by thanksgiving)
there really is a huge difference in myself when im with my friends from new jersey. i think rob put it best (even though he only saw me with them for about a minute): "you just looked so happy". that's all it is, it's me being truely and genuinely happy. now im not saying this to put down any of my friends in ct cuz you know i love you! but it's like im two different people put in to one body (oh, the exact description of a gemini, cat and ryan would be proud). anywho...i really need to see steph especially. she's going through some hard times and i feel horrible that im not there to help her through.
i got my report card last night...
yup, my mom definitely wouldnt talk to me other than to tell me that i definitely wasnt allowed out for the night. im pretty sure there were about 4 C's in there. my worst report card ever, and the one that's going out with my application. im fucked. my mom came into my room today and started balling and lecturing me on how i blew my last chance at getting decent grades for college. she let me know that my screwed up home-life was only an excuse for last year. (yes, because that totally doesnt effect me anymore....????) yea i know i didnt do my best, but i dont know why i didnt. i dont know how to fix it either. there are some days when i really want to do my homework and i want to be able to succeed, but then there are those other days when i could give two shits about school and my grades. but then there are those other days, which are even more confusing, because i want to get the work done, but for some reason i cant. it's like there's some super-natural power holding me back from getting work done. i cant concentrate on anything. urgh, it's so damn frustrating.
and i just found out that winter percussion is merely a "rebuilding season" this year and that we wont be competing. brush says that he wants to get all of the members of the drumline and pit better for next marching band season. ok, i understand that there were a lot of new people this year and that they do need extra work, but why does that mean that the seniors of this year have to get shafted? the only reason i do marching band is because i love performing. if it's just practices then im going to end up killing myself. and it's not like there are even going to be practices... it's just going to be an in-band class thing. no after school stuff and no saturdays except for the occassional one when shug shows up. ummmmm, no thank you. what about all of the people that dont take band who are extremely interested? these kids are possibly considering doing marching band next season and they actually know what a note is (unlike most of the freshman this year). it makes me so mad that this activity that i've been looking forward to for so long has just slipped away.
in other news: i love clark university, it's too expensive, and with my current grades i probably wont get in.
THE END