But you were wrong.
Yesterday was mom's weekend here, and I had a lovely day with my mother. We went and worked out together at IMPE, played some basketball, showed her around, it was fun. We went to dinner with the other mom/child teams, then we went and saw the movie Fever Pitch. It was a pretty good film. Then we went to Murphy's....yup..with the moms, and sat there for a bit. My mom was tired and wanted to go home so we left, and I took her home. On the way home, she told me how much she worries about me because I was driving home alone and I live alone, and she is a mom, so she worries. And I almost broke down and started crying then and there, but if I start to cry my mom starts to cry...thats how she works...and I imagine if I ever have kids, and something makes them cry, it would also hurt me bad enough to cry. Well I didn't want my mom to worry about me or cry, or feel bad about things that aren't her fault and she can't control, so I drove her home, and the whole damn way the tears where on the brink of falling. We made it home and I dropped my mom off, gave her a hug and said goodnight...and then minute she shut the door, I cried like a 5 year old. I sobbed the whole way back to my apartement. Then I parked my car and walked into my apartment, and continued to sob. I sobbed for a good long while. I just sat and cried. Its so hard for me to explain why because I feel like such a damned fool when I do, and everyone who reads this will know how ridiculous I am, but I don't care anymore. When my mom told me she worries about me because I am alone, I realized just how alone I am. I am completely alone. Yeah people will read this and say, oh you have me and people that care about you, but thats bullshit, thats not what I mean. I am just....a little heart broken, and don't want to be. I am just sick of all the bullshit..and men..and i just want someone to love me unconditionally..someone I can run to when things get shitty...someone that will hold me....but I don't have that...every night I come home alone...to my empty apartment..and the only one waiting for me is Jack (my cat..heheh) and I miss both of them so much it makes me want to cry...and so I do. I hate being weak, I hate missing people, and I hate caring about them so much. I hate how I feel, I hate being vunerable, and I am just damn sick of having my heart broken. I know it is all my fault, and then I feel all the more stupid for caring for them like I do, and that just makes it all worse. Most days you wouldn't know I was sad, I don't act like it that much. I try to just suck it up and continue on, because thats what you do, that is the only choice you have. Most days I can laugh it off, because come on, some of it is really funny. But somedays it is just too much for me to take, and today, is one of those days.