i feel...
i feel like a complete selfish asshole.
we were fooling around today. the door popped open. i was so into it, i asked her if she minded if we finished.
when i was in the moment i wasn't thinking of her. well, i don't mean it like that. i was obviously thinking of her. but sexually and lovingly, not thinking of her state of mind. that's what i mean.
and that is fucking selfish.
i try to think of her so much. not try... i know she dislikes when i say it like that. but what i really mean is i try to catch myself when i stop thinking of her for a moment. i don't always catch myself. in fact, with the problems we have, it seems like i don't catch myself a lot.
i hate it.
i shouldn't let my hormones override my thinking. i wish i wasn't such a horny little bastard sometimes.
it made me feel bad when she compared me to him. and then later to the other him. but mostly the second one hurt because of the first one. i wish she didn't feel like i expected to mess around. i like to, and i want to. sometimes i really hope to. but i rarely expect to. i have planned something special a couple times, as has she, and we planned it together a couple times, too. but other than those times i never expect sexual activity from her. that is just a fucked up thing to do.
i know it seems like it from her perspective. and i shouldn't react so strongly to her making that connection in her mind. of course she is going to make a connection, i'm an older male, bigger than her... but i try to distance myself from that type of thinking in her. i guess i don't do a good enough job. i'm gonna try real hard.
it bothers me, too, that she gets curt with me because she's mad at her family. but i can't be mad about it because i do it too sometimes. i am trying to work on that, too.
i didn't realize that me saying i wanted a cigarette hurt her like that. i wish i'd known. she wants me to still tell her... i dunno. sometimes i feel like i should stop being such a big fucking baby and get over it. but sometimes i can't.
and now it seems like i had a bad christmas.
but i did not. this was the best two day christmas i've ever had. even today was good. her mom loved my gift of home movies transferred to dvd. i hung out and gorged on food with my nursic. we slept in her bed. i massaged her back while she slept. she looks so beautiful and peaceful while she's sleeping. even though she was a bit annoying today, i love her little sister. and her older little sister. and even though she irks me at times, i love her mom, too.
but mostly, i love sarah. forever. with all of my heart, body, mind. i never want to let her go. i felt like she wanted to end it in the car today. i've never been so worried in my life. including when i went to prison. that was the worst pain in my stomach ever. i'm so glad it wasn't true.
randomness...
we were fooling around today. the door popped open. i was so into it, i asked her if she minded if we finished.
when i was in the moment i wasn't thinking of her. well, i don't mean it like that. i was obviously thinking of her. but sexually and lovingly, not thinking of her state of mind. that's what i mean.
and that is fucking selfish.
i try to think of her so much. not try... i know she dislikes when i say it like that. but what i really mean is i try to catch myself when i stop thinking of her for a moment. i don't always catch myself. in fact, with the problems we have, it seems like i don't catch myself a lot.
i hate it.
i shouldn't let my hormones override my thinking. i wish i wasn't such a horny little bastard sometimes.
it made me feel bad when she compared me to him. and then later to the other him. but mostly the second one hurt because of the first one. i wish she didn't feel like i expected to mess around. i like to, and i want to. sometimes i really hope to. but i rarely expect to. i have planned something special a couple times, as has she, and we planned it together a couple times, too. but other than those times i never expect sexual activity from her. that is just a fucked up thing to do.
i know it seems like it from her perspective. and i shouldn't react so strongly to her making that connection in her mind. of course she is going to make a connection, i'm an older male, bigger than her... but i try to distance myself from that type of thinking in her. i guess i don't do a good enough job. i'm gonna try real hard.
it bothers me, too, that she gets curt with me because she's mad at her family. but i can't be mad about it because i do it too sometimes. i am trying to work on that, too.
i didn't realize that me saying i wanted a cigarette hurt her like that. i wish i'd known. she wants me to still tell her... i dunno. sometimes i feel like i should stop being such a big fucking baby and get over it. but sometimes i can't.
and now it seems like i had a bad christmas.
but i did not. this was the best two day christmas i've ever had. even today was good. her mom loved my gift of home movies transferred to dvd. i hung out and gorged on food with my nursic. we slept in her bed. i massaged her back while she slept. she looks so beautiful and peaceful while she's sleeping. even though she was a bit annoying today, i love her little sister. and her older little sister. and even though she irks me at times, i love her mom, too.
but mostly, i love sarah. forever. with all of my heart, body, mind. i never want to let her go. i felt like she wanted to end it in the car today. i've never been so worried in my life. including when i went to prison. that was the worst pain in my stomach ever. i'm so glad it wasn't true.
randomness...