Everything I've known...
There are a lot of things I have failed to admit, and failed to remember or think about. My past is one huge mess of heartbreak and anger... and confusion. I surpressed all of these emotions. Tonight I had a sudden urge to log into my old myspace account, and it started with the old photos and comments and grew into lets see what happened in these blog entries between myself and an ex boyfriend.
Then I remember all the spiders I have in my closet and how much they still really hurt. SO much so that I'm tearing up right now thinking about it, and I have so many 'what if's'. I can't even remember why I did so much of what I did back then, or why I felt the way I did. I was so stupid. Where would I be today if I had been different. I realize now that it was all my fault.
I realize why I have so few friends, I tore them all away, or threw them all away. I am a terrible person. I can't forget the past. I can't forget being 3 years old and chasing you down our field, and stealing kisses before we even knew what it meant. I ruined all that 13 years later. I can't be 14 again. I can't be 16 again. You waited so long, and I hated everything about life and now I feel like I ruined the only thing we shared. I don't want that anymore. It was elementary lust, right? I don't believe in sole mates. I don't believe in fate... or do I? I always tried to convince myself everything happens for a reason, but... do I really believe in anything?
I love Parker, more than anything in the whole world. More than I have ever loved anyone. But I hurt him so much, and I can't help that. Sometimes I wonder if I can give him everything he needs. It could be that its 2am, and I've been awake sense 7am yesterday, but maybe not. Maybe I dont need help. I'm not sure.
I'm just very tired and I'm not sure what I'm talking about. I am happy with how I feel about love right now, I guess I just can't picture myself doing anything successful or making anyone happy. Someone please tell me I'm doing something right, because I am so used to doing everything wrong.
Then I remember all the spiders I have in my closet and how much they still really hurt. SO much so that I'm tearing up right now thinking about it, and I have so many 'what if's'. I can't even remember why I did so much of what I did back then, or why I felt the way I did. I was so stupid. Where would I be today if I had been different. I realize now that it was all my fault.
I realize why I have so few friends, I tore them all away, or threw them all away. I am a terrible person. I can't forget the past. I can't forget being 3 years old and chasing you down our field, and stealing kisses before we even knew what it meant. I ruined all that 13 years later. I can't be 14 again. I can't be 16 again. You waited so long, and I hated everything about life and now I feel like I ruined the only thing we shared. I don't want that anymore. It was elementary lust, right? I don't believe in sole mates. I don't believe in fate... or do I? I always tried to convince myself everything happens for a reason, but... do I really believe in anything?
I love Parker, more than anything in the whole world. More than I have ever loved anyone. But I hurt him so much, and I can't help that. Sometimes I wonder if I can give him everything he needs. It could be that its 2am, and I've been awake sense 7am yesterday, but maybe not. Maybe I dont need help. I'm not sure.
I'm just very tired and I'm not sure what I'm talking about. I am happy with how I feel about love right now, I guess I just can't picture myself doing anything successful or making anyone happy. Someone please tell me I'm doing something right, because I am so used to doing everything wrong.