I Want to Join the Circus

[jerkoff]

Some of the more romantic moments I have experienced in my life have been times I have spent by myself.  Less so of the cliche sexually arousing, and moreso a moment in which you discover a new part of yourself, despite how many times it is done.  Stayed up all night, realizing how much the outside world amazes me, how much my need is growing to go explore.  To risk it all, to risk the fact that perhaps I am not a holder of a personality that many will get along with, but I have to see something else besides what is here.  I can only hold out so much longer before I know I will go.  I don't know who will go with me, I hope he will go with me-- but if he doesn't... it might be okay, eventually.  But I know this phase of life needs to be put on hold soon, and I know I need to get out of here.  I want to see the sunrise somewhere else, I want to know I stayed up all night and chain smoked, and the only reason I knew I was finally tired was because the first ray of light to come over the hill, the mountain, the skyscraper, through the new hotal window was the first non-artificial light I had seen in much longer than the average work shift I work and it burned my eyes.  I want to know its time for a nap, to turn the phone off and re-energize my body only to continue on a journey which holds no possible certainty except that I will find something new.
I am releasing my fear of leaving what is familiar slowly but surely.  I hope he is too, but I don't know.  There's something out there for me, something besides the only time I get to see the bright sun over my head and people laughing is during the ten minutes I have to walk from one lecture hall to the next.  This can be put on hold-- I'm a visual learner, and the letters on the textbook don't make sense anymore, it's the nature of the beast that I want to see for myself.