Batman '42: Lair of the Riddler
Just an excerpt from an Elseworlds story I've had bouncing in my for a couple of years, set during WWII, as an answer to a really terribly racist Batman serial that Columbia Pictures released in 1943.
Scene: May, 1942, night. The Penguin’s office above the Iceberg Lounge. Big band music can be heard thumping through the walls as the Penguin enters, puffing on his cigarette holder. He pauses, frowning as he turns, as Batman emerges from the shadows.
Penguin: See my secretary if you want an appointment. I only give interviews during business hours.
Batman: What do you know about the incident at the docks, Cobblepot?
Penguin: Why would I know anything? I own a lounge, not a warehouse. Besides, that’s Maroni’s territory.
Batman: Maroni is dead. He was assassinated tonight by a man wearing black, who carried a tanto.
Penguin: The Lone Ranger’s sidekick?
Batman: (irritated) Tanto. It’s a small Japanese sword.
Penguin: I believe all of Gotham’s Jap population are now enjoying an extended vacation in Nevada for the duration. I seriously doubt any of them are still hanging around.
Batman: If you’re collaborating with any spies…
Penguin (looking offended): Please, what do you take me for? Do you think I want Hoover’s boys sniffing around my office? It’s bad enough with you showing up at all hours. I may not be a completely legitimate businessman, but at least I’m a patriotic one. As I said, I have no idea what happened at the docks. Why don’t you ask Edward instead? I believe his “lair” is nearby.
Batman: That’s my next stop.
Penguin: Don’t let me delay you then. No, wait. (pulls a roll of bills from his pocket and peels one off, handing it to Batman). Give this to Edward when you see him.
Batman: Generous of you.
Penguin: In his own peculiar way, he’s been an excellent partner. If he asks, tell him its payment in advance for my next job.
Batman: Which is?
Penguin: (laughs). Haven’t a clue. But I’ll think of something eventually.
Scene: An alleyway near the docks, a little while later. Batman walks by a pair of bums, a large paper sack in one gauntlet. He pauses at a crude wooden doorway partitioning the end of the alleyway off. Its painted green with a purple question mark on the door with “THE RIDDLER’S LAIR” painted above it. He opens the door silently and steps inside.
The Riddler stands in front of a pilfered chalkboard, scribbling calculations and mapping threads of logic while he mutters to himself. He’s a rail thin, wild eyed man dressed in the remains of a green tweed suit, a battered green bowler atop his head.
Riddler: (ignoring Batman) Where, where, where… Obviously if the Japs mean to conquer America they would have to gain a foothold in the Aleutians and move down from Alaska through Canada. But to divert the Pacific Fleet’s resources they’d make a feint towards a more obvious target, like Midway Island. But how does that reconcile with Gotham’s docks?
Batman: I’d like to know that as well, Professor Nygma.
Riddler: (whirls around angrily) Don’t call me by that! Edward Nygma is dead. You must now address me by my true name, The Riddler!
Batman: (sets the paper bag and Penguin’s money on a table near the chalkboard) Riddler then. You mentioned the docks. Did you see anything happen there tonight?
Riddler: (snatches up the bag and pulls out a large hoagie, and begins eating it ravenously, speaking around bites.) I was investigating the numerological clues to found on the waterline markings of various ships, when I caught sight of an individual wearing black pajamas. He paddled in on a canoe, and then climbed up the side of one of the ships. Apparently one of the dockside guards saw him as well, for they and Maroni boarded the ship as well to confront him. I heard shots, and then the man in the pajamas left with a large box that he lowered down to the canoe.
Batman: Were there any markings on the box that you could see?
Riddler: Certainly! (he wipes off a large section of the chalkboard with the sleeve of his jacket, and writes “He3” prominently). That’s the scientific symbol for Helium 3, an isotope not normally found on the Earth, except perhaps as a byproduct in the production of Tritium. Why an escapee from a slumber party would want it I have no idea.
Batman: Thank you, that’s helpful. Do you know where he went after that?
Riddler: Back out to sea. I was more interested in dodging Maroni’s dock guards than seeing what direction he went, you understand. (he spots Penguin’s money and picks it up. It’s a hundred dollar bill. He’s furious) What’s this? I won’t accept charity from the likes of you, Detective!
Batman: It’s from the Penguin. He says its payment for your next job together.
Riddler: Ha! Nor from the fat waterfowl either! (he crumples it and bounces it off Batman’s chest, the latter catching it.) Tell him I’ll no longer partner with my intellectual inferiors!
Batman: All right, RIddler. If you see anything else suspicious, contact me.
Riddler: I will. Though I doubt I’ll have any observations within your intellectual capacity to comprehend. Good day! (turns back to his chalkboard and starts restoring his figures.)
Batman turns away, shaking his head sadly. He passes the two bums at the alley entrance, dropping Penguin’s bill in the lap of the first one, and a bill of his own into the second’s.
First Bum: Hey! Thanks, Batman!
Batman: Don’t mention it. (Jerks a thumb back towards the Riddler’s lair) Keep an eye on him for me, would you? He was a good man, once.
Scene: May, 1942, night. The Penguin’s office above the Iceberg Lounge. Big band music can be heard thumping through the walls as the Penguin enters, puffing on his cigarette holder. He pauses, frowning as he turns, as Batman emerges from the shadows.
Penguin: See my secretary if you want an appointment. I only give interviews during business hours.
Batman: What do you know about the incident at the docks, Cobblepot?
Penguin: Why would I know anything? I own a lounge, not a warehouse. Besides, that’s Maroni’s territory.
Batman: Maroni is dead. He was assassinated tonight by a man wearing black, who carried a tanto.
Penguin: The Lone Ranger’s sidekick?
Batman: (irritated) Tanto. It’s a small Japanese sword.
Penguin: I believe all of Gotham’s Jap population are now enjoying an extended vacation in Nevada for the duration. I seriously doubt any of them are still hanging around.
Batman: If you’re collaborating with any spies…
Penguin (looking offended): Please, what do you take me for? Do you think I want Hoover’s boys sniffing around my office? It’s bad enough with you showing up at all hours. I may not be a completely legitimate businessman, but at least I’m a patriotic one. As I said, I have no idea what happened at the docks. Why don’t you ask Edward instead? I believe his “lair” is nearby.
Batman: That’s my next stop.
Penguin: Don’t let me delay you then. No, wait. (pulls a roll of bills from his pocket and peels one off, handing it to Batman). Give this to Edward when you see him.
Batman: Generous of you.
Penguin: In his own peculiar way, he’s been an excellent partner. If he asks, tell him its payment in advance for my next job.
Batman: Which is?
Penguin: (laughs). Haven’t a clue. But I’ll think of something eventually.
Scene: An alleyway near the docks, a little while later. Batman walks by a pair of bums, a large paper sack in one gauntlet. He pauses at a crude wooden doorway partitioning the end of the alleyway off. Its painted green with a purple question mark on the door with “THE RIDDLER’S LAIR” painted above it. He opens the door silently and steps inside.
The Riddler stands in front of a pilfered chalkboard, scribbling calculations and mapping threads of logic while he mutters to himself. He’s a rail thin, wild eyed man dressed in the remains of a green tweed suit, a battered green bowler atop his head.
Riddler: (ignoring Batman) Where, where, where… Obviously if the Japs mean to conquer America they would have to gain a foothold in the Aleutians and move down from Alaska through Canada. But to divert the Pacific Fleet’s resources they’d make a feint towards a more obvious target, like Midway Island. But how does that reconcile with Gotham’s docks?
Batman: I’d like to know that as well, Professor Nygma.
Riddler: (whirls around angrily) Don’t call me by that! Edward Nygma is dead. You must now address me by my true name, The Riddler!
Batman: (sets the paper bag and Penguin’s money on a table near the chalkboard) Riddler then. You mentioned the docks. Did you see anything happen there tonight?
Riddler: (snatches up the bag and pulls out a large hoagie, and begins eating it ravenously, speaking around bites.) I was investigating the numerological clues to found on the waterline markings of various ships, when I caught sight of an individual wearing black pajamas. He paddled in on a canoe, and then climbed up the side of one of the ships. Apparently one of the dockside guards saw him as well, for they and Maroni boarded the ship as well to confront him. I heard shots, and then the man in the pajamas left with a large box that he lowered down to the canoe.
Batman: Were there any markings on the box that you could see?
Riddler: Certainly! (he wipes off a large section of the chalkboard with the sleeve of his jacket, and writes “He3” prominently). That’s the scientific symbol for Helium 3, an isotope not normally found on the Earth, except perhaps as a byproduct in the production of Tritium. Why an escapee from a slumber party would want it I have no idea.
Batman: Thank you, that’s helpful. Do you know where he went after that?
Riddler: Back out to sea. I was more interested in dodging Maroni’s dock guards than seeing what direction he went, you understand. (he spots Penguin’s money and picks it up. It’s a hundred dollar bill. He’s furious) What’s this? I won’t accept charity from the likes of you, Detective!
Batman: It’s from the Penguin. He says its payment for your next job together.
Riddler: Ha! Nor from the fat waterfowl either! (he crumples it and bounces it off Batman’s chest, the latter catching it.) Tell him I’ll no longer partner with my intellectual inferiors!
Batman: All right, RIddler. If you see anything else suspicious, contact me.
Riddler: I will. Though I doubt I’ll have any observations within your intellectual capacity to comprehend. Good day! (turns back to his chalkboard and starts restoring his figures.)
Batman turns away, shaking his head sadly. He passes the two bums at the alley entrance, dropping Penguin’s bill in the lap of the first one, and a bill of his own into the second’s.
First Bum: Hey! Thanks, Batman!
Batman: Don’t mention it. (Jerks a thumb back towards the Riddler’s lair) Keep an eye on him for me, would you? He was a good man, once.