[365days: Day 18] On meta and rants
I'm subscribed to both 
metafandom and
linkspam. They usually don't post the same links, but now and then they intersect -- especially when a big, eh, event is taking place. Well, I usually don't have more use of these communities that quickly reading over the excerpts, then moving on.
Because, you know? I need no more drama in my life. I want to be informed of what is going on, and those few paragraphs at least give me an idea of what the last kerfuffle is about, and how is it (d)evolving. I might take a peak at the subject if someone in my friend's list / reading circle chooses to delve a bit on it. But otherwise? I already am too emotionally invested in my online time. See: to me, even devoting a few hours to go over my LJ/DW is emotionally involving, because to be honest, an amoeba has more emotion stored into itself than I do.
Furthermore, the little I've seen mentioned about 'privilege' just. Tires me. I naturally censor myself, even on the more impersonal posts in my personal journal. I usually spend an hour to write under a hundred words. Commenting on other people's posts can be God--So--Tiring. And I don't want to write something or comment on something, just to have my words totally twisted and thrown back at me. Because, in RL? It frustrates me when I can't find the words to explain myself in other people's terms. And online is particularly worrisome, as I can go back and read what I wrote knowing what I tried to say, and then read what was written back to me, with what other perceive was my interpretation.
Or with the concepts I forgot.
Or with ...
And then I spend time trying to reshape my words, when I already spent time trying to shape them. How much time? It doesn't matter. Because yes, some days I can do it. But others? It's just not healthy. I -- I don't want to doubt myself like that. Because, in truth, I don't doubt myself; I simply think: 'we get it differently'. And I'm happy ok with it ... which I should be, because 'we get it differently' to me means 'they wouldn't understand it (the way I do)'. 'They don't follow the same thought processes, but I know we mean the same thing, even it they still don't know it'. 'I know we actually agree, so I have to explain it in their same thought processes'. Using their words. Their concepts. Their pace.
Not mine.
And so I live in a bubble, and it vaguely intersects with the rest of the world, and only when I try. And no, I usually don't mind, but sometimes it is so tiring, even if most times I don't even notice, and I slip away. It's reaching out, reaching out, trying to connect. And people using words like 'privilege' and 'allies' in hurtful, mean and spiteful ways doesn't help. Even if they don't hurt anymore because I've learned to numb myself, the possibility of having them thrown in myself is. Yeah, you guessed. Tiring. Because I know that I somewhat hurt these people, or helped hurt them, even if I didn't try to.
Which. No. Don't want.
So I keep quiet. Furthermore, I won't read so I don't spend time redacting replies I'll never post. Which leaves voices like mine outside of fandom discussions, of interesting topics. Because, guys. Some of you make it. Just. So. Difficult. I'm not apathetic, I simply don't like feeling like a terrified bull in a china store. There's so much nervous energy I can handle everyday, and this? The chance my head my be bitten off? So not worth it. Which is a shame, as I enjoy engaging in endless arguments.
But the amount of poison I've seen around? Thanks, but non thanks.
Note: I'm NOT going back to edit this post, so please forgive any bad HTML, bad grammar or whatnot. Call it another of my New Year resolutions. Oh, and I absolutely <3 all of you in my f-list and r-circle. It's the fandom out there what makes me despair.
This entry is also posted at DW.
metafandom and
linkspam. They usually don't post the same links, but now and then they intersect -- especially when a big, eh, event is taking place. Well, I usually don't have more use of these communities that quickly reading over the excerpts, then moving on.
Because, you know? I need no more drama in my life. I want to be informed of what is going on, and those few paragraphs at least give me an idea of what the last kerfuffle is about, and how is it (d)evolving. I might take a peak at the subject if someone in my friend's list / reading circle chooses to delve a bit on it. But otherwise? I already am too emotionally invested in my online time. See: to me, even devoting a few hours to go over my LJ/DW is emotionally involving, because to be honest, an amoeba has more emotion stored into itself than I do.
Furthermore, the little I've seen mentioned about 'privilege' just. Tires me. I naturally censor myself, even on the more impersonal posts in my personal journal. I usually spend an hour to write under a hundred words. Commenting on other people's posts can be God--So--Tiring. And I don't want to write something or comment on something, just to have my words totally twisted and thrown back at me. Because, in RL? It frustrates me when I can't find the words to explain myself in other people's terms. And online is particularly worrisome, as I can go back and read what I wrote knowing what I tried to say, and then read what was written back to me, with what other perceive was my interpretation.
Or with the concepts I forgot.
Or with ...
And then I spend time trying to reshape my words, when I already spent time trying to shape them. How much time? It doesn't matter. Because yes, some days I can do it. But others? It's just not healthy. I -- I don't want to doubt myself like that. Because, in truth, I don't doubt myself; I simply think: 'we get it differently'. And I'm happy ok with it ... which I should be, because 'we get it differently' to me means 'they wouldn't understand it (the way I do)'. 'They don't follow the same thought processes, but I know we mean the same thing, even it they still don't know it'. 'I know we actually agree, so I have to explain it in their same thought processes'. Using their words. Their concepts. Their pace.
Not mine.
And so I live in a bubble, and it vaguely intersects with the rest of the world, and only when I try. And no, I usually don't mind, but sometimes it is so tiring, even if most times I don't even notice, and I slip away. It's reaching out, reaching out, trying to connect. And people using words like 'privilege' and 'allies' in hurtful, mean and spiteful ways doesn't help. Even if they don't hurt anymore because I've learned to numb myself, the possibility of having them thrown in myself is. Yeah, you guessed. Tiring. Because I know that I somewhat hurt these people, or helped hurt them, even if I didn't try to.
Which. No. Don't want.
So I keep quiet. Furthermore, I won't read so I don't spend time redacting replies I'll never post. Which leaves voices like mine outside of fandom discussions, of interesting topics. Because, guys. Some of you make it. Just. So. Difficult. I'm not apathetic, I simply don't like feeling like a terrified bull in a china store. There's so much nervous energy I can handle everyday, and this? The chance my head my be bitten off? So not worth it. Which is a shame, as I enjoy engaging in endless arguments.
But the amount of poison I've seen around? Thanks, but non thanks.
Note: I'm NOT going back to edit this post, so please forgive any bad HTML, bad grammar or whatnot. Call it another of my New Year resolutions. Oh, and I absolutely <3 all of you in my f-list and r-circle. It's the fandom out there what makes me despair.
This entry is also posted at DW.