in response to my previous post, and a comment made ;*)
hah...yes, but that wasn't what i was referring to!!! you silly, naughty gutterball-minded boy!
what i'm actually so damn giddy about HERE is that i've recently found my primary totem. FINALLY!!! and it's...well, apparently it's a corbae. usually it's a raven, but sometimes a crow maybe too. and i've always had a bit of a fondness for grackles, despite how annoying they can be. or maybe because of it. anyway, it's helping me, or hopefully it will help me, to grow. spiritually. i really need it right now, i think i've waited long enough. and yeah, it sounds way cheesy and goth that my totem is a raven, like "caw caw bang fuck, i'm dead!" but..they have always been a major power symbol, they're psychopomps (you know how i love soul carriers!) and they're tricksters!! which explains why i've not only been collecting ravens and crows, but jackalopes, books and stories on Coyote, and even that stuffed spider. and my fondness for loki. i have a thing for tricksters, especially Trickster Gods. gah, why did it take me so long to see?
okay, i think that rant's over for now.
and yes, i am mostly having a good time with my love...that is, when i get to see him. which is not so often anymore with his new job. i think once things get settled, i might be seeing him more than ever, he even says so, but i have to be really patient for now. and i miss him. we just got over a bunch of different kinds of shit that almost broke us up, i thought i was going to have to end the relationship and just try to work out a good friendship if at all possible..then suddenly it's like he understood, and his whole attitude changed. and then he got the new job. he said he's going through "Brandi Withdrawal" and that he owes me a day or two...i'd be happy just to get him alone for a night that doesn't start late or with one of us already exhausted. ya know?
i'm in love, man. seriously. and i don't know quite what to do, or how to act, and i'm trying so hard to be both me and a good girl at the same time, and it's a fine balance that hurts a bit sometimes. i think i'm finally having to grow up, and that's the pain i'm feeling.
i want to be with him so badly, i feel his absence like a shadowy hole surrounding me. i'm used to being alone, sure. i've spent most of my life alone.
but i didn't spend it IN LOVE and alone.
and no, not even when i was married...despite how alone i was then. it just wasn't anything like this. i think i stand a decent chance of having a real, honest, good relationship with this guy. he's great! even when he fucks up, he does it in his own style. if we can both just get past the rest of our attitudes, and leave the freight cars of baggage sitting on the tracks as we disappear into the sunset.
wouldn't that be great?
what i'm actually so damn giddy about HERE is that i've recently found my primary totem. FINALLY!!! and it's...well, apparently it's a corbae. usually it's a raven, but sometimes a crow maybe too. and i've always had a bit of a fondness for grackles, despite how annoying they can be. or maybe because of it. anyway, it's helping me, or hopefully it will help me, to grow. spiritually. i really need it right now, i think i've waited long enough. and yeah, it sounds way cheesy and goth that my totem is a raven, like "caw caw bang fuck, i'm dead!" but..they have always been a major power symbol, they're psychopomps (you know how i love soul carriers!) and they're tricksters!! which explains why i've not only been collecting ravens and crows, but jackalopes, books and stories on Coyote, and even that stuffed spider. and my fondness for loki. i have a thing for tricksters, especially Trickster Gods. gah, why did it take me so long to see?
okay, i think that rant's over for now.
and yes, i am mostly having a good time with my love...that is, when i get to see him. which is not so often anymore with his new job. i think once things get settled, i might be seeing him more than ever, he even says so, but i have to be really patient for now. and i miss him. we just got over a bunch of different kinds of shit that almost broke us up, i thought i was going to have to end the relationship and just try to work out a good friendship if at all possible..then suddenly it's like he understood, and his whole attitude changed. and then he got the new job. he said he's going through "Brandi Withdrawal" and that he owes me a day or two...i'd be happy just to get him alone for a night that doesn't start late or with one of us already exhausted. ya know?
i'm in love, man. seriously. and i don't know quite what to do, or how to act, and i'm trying so hard to be both me and a good girl at the same time, and it's a fine balance that hurts a bit sometimes. i think i'm finally having to grow up, and that's the pain i'm feeling.
i want to be with him so badly, i feel his absence like a shadowy hole surrounding me. i'm used to being alone, sure. i've spent most of my life alone.
but i didn't spend it IN LOVE and alone.
and no, not even when i was married...despite how alone i was then. it just wasn't anything like this. i think i stand a decent chance of having a real, honest, good relationship with this guy. he's great! even when he fucks up, he does it in his own style. if we can both just get past the rest of our attitudes, and leave the freight cars of baggage sitting on the tracks as we disappear into the sunset.
wouldn't that be great?