And when I do bad, we will still burn bright.
Title: And when I do bad, we will still burn bright
Author: jeri_1116
Rating: PG
W/C: 2,772
Disclaimer: Dude! I don't own Twilight. All that shit is Ms. Meyer's doing. But if I did own it... Jake would have imprinted on Edward at the end of New Moon and I would have shipped Bella back to Arizona where she belongs.
Author's notes: Jakeward, but more Edward and Carlisle actually. Just read and see if you like. :)
I needed to get out of there. The house was stifling, too many voices screaming. They needed answers. Most of those voices mad at Jacob, his shifter abilities interfering with Alice’s visions. Those same voices filled with regret once realization set in that it wasn't his fault, he couldn't help that- help what he was.
I needed to get away, but I didn't want to be alone. I needed to vent.
Standing now in the forest trees surrounding me, birds chirping in the distance I know now I’ve made a mistake. He’ll see right through me, see all I want to share. And he’ll see it pains me to share it.
“So what do you want to talk about?”
I shake my head, he knows me so well.
“Nothing” I say giving him a smirk, a little shrug throw in for effect. I don’t have to admit something’s wrong, just because he senses it. I like to live in denial, act as if what’s happening isn’t happening. Pretend I didn’t make a mistake; pretend I’ve never made mistakes.
“Okay we can play it like that, it’s your choice.”
He knows I want to talk, knows I need to talk. I won’t make it easy though. I make nothing easy. This is why we are here now in the first place. It’s me. It’s all me.
“I’m here Edward; you can say what’s on your mind.”
“Carlisle we’re miles from the house they can’t hear us…..speak.”
“And why are we miles from the house? Why are we not watching over Bella?”
Hearing her name sends a chill through my body. Damn Carlisle! He knows exactly how to push my buttons.
“I don’t want to talk about Bella” I say this casually as if what’s happening isn’t that important, but it is, it’s all very important- all a very significant. “Besides Jacob is with her, she’s fine.” I lean my body against a tree and stare off into the distance. Even though I know I should talk, I pray Carlisle drops it and lets me just have my moment- have this peace.
“You brought me out here.”
He doesn’t say it accusingly and in fact there’s not a hint of anger in his tone at all. Nevertheless he’s right I did bring him out here, except now I’m scared. I’m scared of what he’ll think- what he’ll think of me and my twisted mind.
“Carlisle, please.”
I’m not a begging man, but this….this it mustn't be spoken. It’s wrong, so very wrong. Deep done I know he knows what lingers inside my mind. Deep down I think, they all know it.
When he just stares, it says it all and it takes all of me not to crumble, to show him how weak I truly am. I try my best to ignore him, to act as though it were my imagination.
“You don’t want to change her do you?”
Carlisle’s thoughts are calm. I suspect he’s almost as weak as me. To dare say such things aloud, to let them enter into the air and gather weight, to make it a possibility is, like I’ve whispered to myself many times before, like I said not more then two minutes ago. It’s wrong. So very wrong.
“You know she will die if you do not”
And yet when I hear such a thing, such a fact it does not scare me, it does not make me feel remorse. What scares me, what makes me feel so utterly appalling, so inhumane.....
I shake my head to rid the thoughts that swim around in my head. Even though I know what I am leaning towards will make me look like a monster, it doesn't mean it doesn't make me sick to think such things.
I stare at Carlisle as if I don’t have a clue as to what he’s talking about and grasp at the watch that ticks unbearably loud in my ear. I won’t voice it, I can’t.
“You want it over….the time. It consumes you?”
I slide down the tree, my legs coming up instantly, arms wrapping around them as if that could keep me safe. I say nothing. After all my silence is all he needs to know the truth.
I can hear as he walks towards me, the crunch of his shoes over fallen leaves. Carlisle stoops down; he takes an unnecessary deep breath. “This was her choice, you wanted her to terminate. All of us did.” I can see he is struggling as he says those words. I take one of my own unneeded breaths and let my head fall back into the tree. “But” Hearing that word spill from Carlisle’s mouth almost breaks me, because I know what he’s going to say.
“ You've been…” Carlisle cocks his head to the side, his look one of wonderment. I’m pretty sure I just saw disappointment there as well, but he hides it well. Suddenly he shakes his head and stands back up. Carlisle loathes feeling such things.
I can’t look at him; I can’t bear to see the pain there.
“How long have you've been connected to him?”
The slight accusation is there now seeped in his tone. I turn my body from his and keep my eyes centered on a dry bush not to far from us. “I asked you a question.” He doesn't raise his voice as he asks. I think he already knows. He just needs to know when it all changed, when it all became a real true reality. “Give me a time frame Son” He swallows a shaky sigh, because even though he needs to know, he fears the answer will be too much.
It will be too much.
I stand up on shaky legs, and really that’s a joke. My body can take so much. I’m unbreakable, yet this conversation makes me sick. “Edward” I can hear the tone, the warning and I know I can’t ignore it anymore, can’t pretend I’m not a monster.
I am a monster.
“When I came back from Italy I….” I trail off. I don’t want to see the shock.
This could have been prevented.
It could have been prevented.
“Just say it son.” Carlisle’s voice is back to that loving caring tone and that makes me feel even worse. He doesn’t know how to stay mad at me; he doesn’t know how to stay mad at any of us.
Once upon a time, a long time ago I slipped. And when I say slipped I mean I killed a lot of people. Granted they were criminals, but who am I to judge?
Carlisle took me back. When I came to him, he forgave me all my sins. He may not be able to forgive this.
“It was the day I met him in the woods with Bella” I say coming out of my thoughts.
“He imprinted on you?” Carlisle knows when he should keep his mouth shut.
“Yes” I whispered.
“Carlisle I tried to resist it, so did he! I swear.”
“Ah but Edward, if you hadn't of done that, then we wouldn't be waiting here now for Bella to give birth to the unknown. Now would we?”
I look away, because he’s right. All that resisting led us here. If I had just given in, let her go we wouldn't be here, we wouldn't be here waiting for the unknown, waiting for whatever.
“I will never turn my back on you, you must know that.”
I know that’s true I feel it, but there’s such disappointment there when he looks at me.
“I will never stop loving you.”
I know that to be true too. Carlisle face hides nothing, he’s sad. He knows me well; he knows what I have chosen. The minute he got here he knew- just needed conformation.
I can’t bear to look at him anymore. I turn my face away and stare out at the expanse of trees surrounding us. There’s a rushing sound of water flowing through my ears; the sound giving me a little sliver of peace.
“Jacob may hate you afterwards”
I clench my jaw at those words, because the statement his true, it’s as true and real as what I’m about to do.
“Can you live with that?”
Carlisle is standing before me again staring deep into my eyes “can you?” He decides to voice those words aloud. I know it’s a plea to stop what I am about to do. Using Jacob as a way to do it could work…. almost.
“He will not- at least not for very long. He doesn't know how to.” I know I’m being smug, but I know the wolf. I know he’ll yell and scream, break things while he pleads with me to restore her- make her whole and beautiful. But I won’t. He may even phase and threaten to rip and shred, but he won’t.
Eventually he’ll fall away into a corner sobs choked in his throat; waiting on tenterhooks till her heart gives. If we’re lucky he’ll hear a baby cry- a piece of his Bella left behind. I sneer at that last statement; the wolf is mine, I’ll share him with no one.
Now this is in no way Bella’s fault. She has no idea of what we've done. But I told her to walk away from this, to terminate. These are the consequences.
“I have tried; I've done all I can.” Carlisle finally says taking an unnecessary deep breath.
“You have.” I agree.
Carlisle gives a faint smile, before turning and heading for the house.
“I know you will love me” I rush to say. Those words keep him rooted to the spot. His back is still turned from me. I know his eyes are closed. I know he’s in so much pain. I can sense it. Carlisle is about to help me commit murder or at least let death to its job. His pain is thick and it pushes into me like a knife.
“….but I need to know if you will really forgive me.” I can’t worry about that feeling he’s sending me right now- that knife that pushes in to me slow. I have to go on, I need to know.
“Will this factor into you changing your mind?”
Carlisle’s back is still facing me. His head is cocked a little to the side as he waits.
“Jake’s soul has no choice, his is intertwined with mine or what ever I have that could be considered a soul. He’ll hate me, but still love me. One day he’ll come to me and beg me to make him understand. I won’t be able to deny him that, I can’t deny him anything.”
“What?” Carlisle turns around disbelief written all over his features.
“Anything but that!” I’m quick to say.
Carlisle says nothing else; he resigns himself to just listen.
I sigh before I continue. “My answers won’t be easy to swallow and he’ll go on hating me. But like I said…. eventually he’ll come around- he’ll never forgive it. I’m not foolish to believe such things, but regardless he’ll love me, follow me, take care of me.” I look away again. What I am about to ask, has no right to be asked. And even though I know this I’m to selfish not to ask. “As my sire” I swallow thickly, because I know I’m being manipulative, but I have to be, I can’t lose him. “Will you….” I take my time. I’m scared of the answers. “Will you forgive me? Will you love me the same as always? I need to know that truth.”
I close my eyes tight, my hands fisted at my side as I wait. Before I know it a soft press of lips is pressed to mine. I still don’t open my eyes. I sense Carlisle’s acceptance, but I know that sad look is still present and I can’t bear to see it right now.
“Open your eyes Edward come on, do as I ask”
I can’t ignore his command; I don’t want to ignore it. Slowly I open my eyes- watch the way his golden eyes shimmer in the natural light. “In time I will” he whispers. He closes his own eyes, places his forehead to my own.
“It is a given.”
“You mustn't worry about me now, things are about to get really serious, really fast. I should be the least of your worries. And when Jacob finds out you used him…..”
My eyes grow wide “I did not use him.”
Carlisle gives a sad smile, “my boy you have. Unknowingly, but you have.”
I can’t stomach what I know he’s about to say.
“Alice can’t see. And knowing that makes this so much easier for you. It’ll be too late to stop you. He may hate himself for knowing this; he may think it’s his fault.”
“I won’t let him. I won’t” I shut my eyes again. I know even though the imprint will keep Jacob close to me, it doesn't mean he won’t hate himself for what I've done. “I will make him understand” I whisper.
I feel another press of lips to my own, his fingers raking through my hair.
Before I can respond there’s a gust of wind that hits my face and I know he is gone. I know soon he’ll be back at the house waiting to help me finish something I should have never started.
I can’t go yet. I may be adamant in my decision, but I know what’s about to come. Jake my Jake will be heart broken and I will have to take what he gives me. Knowing such a fact gives me physical pain and I find myself bending slowly over.
Standing straight I pull myself together “we will get through this.”
“We will get through what?”
I whip my head to the side, I didn't even hear him. I watch as Jake leans his body against a tree, the same way I had done earlier with Carlisle “I didn't even hear you” I say causally.
“Sorry” he bites his bottom lip and looks away shyly.
I can’t help but gravitate towards him, get a chance to feel his lips on mine. He tries to move away, I don’t give him a chance. He doesn't think we should do those things here, here in this place where she is. “Where are you going?” I growl pulling him to me before he can escape?
“Not here Edward” he shakes his head sadly. “When Bella is up and about walking then we’ll…” He doesn't know how to finish that sentence, he already feels bad. “Um…as soon as she can handle it we’re gonna tell her right? Because I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
I hate seeing him like this. And I know in a few hours his pain will be worse, because there will be no Bella. There will be nothing to tell, to confess.
“She’s going to be a great mother” Jake whispers, his eyes looking in the direction of the house. “I hope that’s enough for her? Well that and immortally.”
I say nothing- not a yes or a no to that statement. I won’t outright lie to him.
Beside he’ll know as soon as it happens. When he sees Carlisle and I not come to her aid to glue her back together. So instead I bump his shoulder with mine “come on you mutt, let’s go and try and deliver this baby.” I wrap my arm about his shoulders pulling him close to me. “You think it’ll be offended by your wet dog smell as well?”
Jake, shoves me hard and I land on the ground, his body soon covering mine “shut up leech, you love my smell and you know it.”
I can’t help but smile “that I do” I whisper pulling him closer to me. I kiss and nip at his neck, the gesture making him squirm and giggle. I bass in that sound and try and tattoo it into my memories.
“Come on let’s go” Jake say’s out of breath lifting himself up. “Alice brought Bella a new dress for her transformation.” He makes a face; it’s so cute and childlike. “Honestly I shouldn't even care about what she’ll be wearing, but I really want to see her in one of those things with heels to match.
I watch as he takes off heading back to the house, his laugh like a warm breeze lingering in the air.
Too bad it’ll be a long time before I hear it again.